Would you feel jealous or insecure?

Question

I am feeling jealous & insecure right now. I need some advice if you think I have a right to feel this way or am I just having a pity party for myself here. I got married to a man I love and adore. He is a recovering alcoholic and has 14 years of sobriety for which I am very proud of him. I did not know him when he drank. I am not an alcoholic. He is very active in AA and I have always supported him in that and I go to some affairs with him and go to see him get his anniversary pins, etc...There are a few women there who call here constantly and ask him for rides and favors and they have lots of problems and he says he must help as it is always one alcoholics duty to help another. This morning one of them called & her problem was she likes to walk around naked and there are construction guys looking in her window and wanted him to put up blinds. I'm getting sick of these needy women and him running to help. Am I being horrible? We have a baby now and I need him too.

Answer 1

my mom has 17 years clean, so i can understand where you're coming from...be proud! but i'm here to tell you right here and right now if some naked woman was calling my husband for ANY reason i'd be a crazy mad b*tch!!!!!!i know it's his "duty" to help other recovering people...but DAMN!! you have to draw the line somewhere!i'd call the sl*t and tell her to put some f*ucking clothes on or close her own f*cking blinds!!but that's just me...i'll watch this question and see if we're right to be upset!i'm not playing!i'd SNAP! but on her...he's probably just trying to be a nice guy and make up for some bad karma...good luck and congrats!!!

Answer 2

Putting up blinds have nothing to do with the AA and the fact that she wants blinds up in order to walk around naked is too much information for her to be giving your husband.

Will she be dressed when the blinds are being put up no just kidding.

You have a right to be concern because their co dependency on alcohol is now a co dependency on your husband and his time.

I understand he is a recovering alcoholic and want to help others in his position but that's what the AA meetings are for.

You need to tell your husband immediately that anything outside of the AA requirements are taking up the personal time he can have with his family. Mention that you don't care if he help sometimes with others who are in recovery but make sure it doesn't interfere with his marital duties at home.

Answer 3

He has the responsability to help those in need, so he has to help.

However, you should also get involved in helping them so those needy women KNOW that he is very much married and that he is not available.

Recovering alcoholics are very needy and they may cling too much on the people that are tryig to help them. The same goes for therapist, counselors, etc.

Set the rules with yoru spouse. Draw the line with the women that likes to be naked, that is just trouble and next time it would be something else to drag him to her place. She wants attention because she needs attention but your husband is NOT the one who is responsible for her and he cannot save the world all by himself.

Tell him that you will go with him and see for your self if there is a treat or not, but in any event, it doesn't hurt to do some helping yoruself and make sure that those women know that he is not available and that you are not a fool putting the blind eye to their dirty manuipulative tricks.

Good luck

Answer 4

The rides and that sort of help is understandable. It is a very important part of being involved with any sort of recovery group. However, the one woman who said that she needs him to hang blinds has definitely got other motives. You have to understand that alot of these women may feel very lonely and they're wanting someone to take care of them. It's not easy getting clean. Your husband is married to you and you have a right to draw a line on how much and what kind of help can be offered. You do need him too and thats ok. Make sure you're very careful with how you react so that he doesnt think that you're just jealous. If your marriage is strong and healthy he will listen and try and make changes where you need them. I've been here and I hope this helps.

Answer 5

ooooh. Yes ... my cousin is an AA "addict" too. I say that because to me, it seemed almost as though she was trading one addiction for another one. Maybe this sounds cruel, but that's what it is like. And the people in AA with her are the neediest, whiniest people I've ever met. Another thing is, they seem to try to isolate her. They think all the AA people should stick together, or something. It's like a cult. I know it does help people recover, but I do not agree with some of the group's ideas. If your husband has been sober 14 years, does he really need to still go to AA?? With your support, it seems like he would be ready to move on and stop needing the support of the group.

Answer 6

It is hard to understand the workings of an alcoholic if you've never been one. It is a day to day uphill battle. I am VERY proud of your husband & his accomplishment.

Yes, those in AA are to help one another. It is the support of family & friends that help them deal.
While this is very important in their recovery, there are also limits & boundries that need to be set. I wouldn't want some naked woman calling my husband asking for favors. Your husband, I think is misunderstanding. He is suppose to help & support his fellow AAers in their addiction. Not necessarily with the installation of blinds.

Sit him down and tell him him this. And that he is now married to you & you have a family. Ask him to be more picky who he helps & how often. He may not see this woman's intentions. Most men don't.

Answer 7

Jealousy and insecurity have to do with your own self-esteem. Even if that woman who likes to walk around naked had not left the message, you would have still had a problem related to your self-esteem. That particular incident just triggered this feeling that you have.

What you need to do is the following:

1. Accept that you have a low self-esteem.
2. Ponder when it first started (did you dad cheat a lot and as a child it made you feel guilty for mom, but because you didn't speak up, you have been carrying a burden of regret for all these years?) It could be anything. Write as many of these incidents as you can.
3. Once you've written down all these reasons, then, you must have a "pity burning party."

A couple of DO NOT's also:

1. Do not innundate your friends with this. All you'll be doing is poisoning them with your problems.
2. Do not tell your husband this. If anything, take his stories as his insecurities and try to teach him how to kill any aspects of his low-esteem that may have developed because of his prior substance abuse.
3. Dwell in your "self-pity." When you feel that way, do something to "keep oxygen flowing freely in your bloodstream."

Who needs pity parties when you can pillow party that weak emotion of low-self-esteem out of your life.

One final note: If you deny that you have a low-self-esteem, you'll not be able to get over these feelings that are bothering you.

Best of luck!

Sincerely,

The man who has a problem walking naked in front of cheerleaders or arobics classes.

Answer 8

There is a fine line between helping people in need and enjoying the attention of other women. In this case your hubby is enjoying the attention of other women. If they are alcoholics and they are having an issue regarding drinking then sure he should help though they should have their own sponsor they should be calling first. He doesn't need to be going and helping with things outside of the fight against drinking. By doing so he is going to go see them for social reasons only. I also notice you say women call him all the time, why aren't there guys calling for him to help them? The only reason is that their needs and wants have nothing to do with their problem with alcohol.

Answer 9

That's great that he wants to help support others, no better person then one who's been through it. A problem arises when he is spending too much time supporting others and not enough time with his family. Naked women, that's where I draw the line! That is stepping WAY over the line of helping an alcoholic.

Answer 10

I think yes and no. You need to tell him that as much as you appreciate his need to help others in the situation that he was in that especially now with your baby you need him to put you first. You are his wife, and that should make you a priority in his life over someone who can't control herself walking around naked. But don't stop him from helping them for legitimate reasons. Recovering from alcoholism is hard, and they need a support system. He hss been there so he knows how to help them. Just sit down and communicate all of your feelings. That is the best thing that you can do.