Physical Abuse? Should I tolerate?

Question

My husband started abused me physically recently. Verbal abusing was going on for sometime. I'm high up in the academic ladder & my husband's not. Whatever I say, rubs him the wrong way as he seem to think I'm belittling him as he didn't have a good education. I've never thought of it like that. I've been with him for over 15 yrs before and after marriage. Our arguments are usually related to me helping out my family and his discontentment regding that. I usually become defensive and talk back. I've experienced domestic violence in childhood and I don't want my child to experience the same thing. I'm too humiliated to talk to family as I defied everyone when I got married to my husband. Is it my behavior that causes him to hit me? I live in a foreign country away from relatives. I have no one to talk to. My social status has made it impossible to get outside advice. Should I just walk away from this marriage? Please help!!

Answer 1

YES

WALK AWAY NOW

physical abuse only gets WORSE and he could seriously hurt you or kill you. DO NOT TOLERATE THIS. YOu deserve better, and you can find better. HE hits you becuase HE has a problem. There is nothing wrong with you/

Leave now, and get counseling for yourself to rebuild your self esteem and confidence.

Answer 2

The problem with domestic violence is that we as women keep it a secret and that's one reason why it continues. It is never your fault because you voice your opinions, you are a human being and a grown woman and you have the right to express yourself just like him. It's his own insecurities that he has the real problem with. He knew when he married you that you had more education. I know I did the same thing defied everyone to marry my abuser and It got me 7 yrs of misery. But I found the courage through prayer to leave with two kids, you see he made the bulk of the money and I left and believe it or not I am doing better than I did when I was with him and the kids are happier. Even though you are in a foreign country, you can still call home. Your family probably can help you with support. Now whether to walk out of your marriage that decision is yours. Now if you decide to walk out you can't tell him because he will be more abusive than ever. You will just have to do it and let him know much later. You will probably have to be on plane and in the air or have at least landed in the United States or where ever you are from before you let him know. Please make sure you are safe before you inform him or not. So be careful and safe.

Answer 3

First know you're not alone. Many women have been or are in your situation. You only know what makes you safe. And it is especially hard being a professional and embarrassed about other knowing and blaming you. But know this domestic violence crosses every gender and social status.

What should you do?

1. Coming here is a start, I am going to recommend two books to you: Ditch That Jerk (it is a real book) and Why Does He Do That? Both are good supportive books to empower you in your decision.

2. Join a supportive group online. Here is an online support group for abused women: http://www.drirene.com/catbox/index.php

3. Find a domestic violence counselor and go on an individual basis. No one needs to know. Use your employment assistant program most jobs have them. Go here: http://www.ndvh.org/ call the number: 1-800-799-SAFE (7233)

4. If you don't feel safe now please go to the police or court and get a Order of Protection. If not that start talking to someone you trust a friend, a sister, someone.

5. Walk away if you can but make sure you find out your rights before you do. Meaning divorce information and so forth.

Be safe....I undestand your situation.

Answer 4

He obviously has an ego problem -- lots of guys end up that way when their wives are at a higher social/financial/educational status that they are. If you cannot get therapy, you had better get out. There is never an excuse for verbal or domestic violence. Do you think this is going to go away???? What ARE you thinking. In your place, get back to the states, get a divorce and find someone else if that is your goal. You are living in hell, and don't even realize it..... good luck, sweetie.

Answer 5

He has you just where he wants you, isolated from your family and no friends to talk to.

Physical abuse is never acceptable nor do YOU do anything to deserve it. He is insecure and jealous of your success. You need to take you child and leave asap. Your family loves you, unconditionally. Ok, you defied them by getting married to this guy but they would much rather see you walk away from it now instead of attending your funeral later.

I have been in your shoes and I know how scary it is. I also encountered abuse in my childhood so in some weird way we seem to view it as "normal". It isn't. You don't want your child to repeat the pattern.

Get out now! Also keep in mind once you leave, he will beg and plead and tell you how much he loves you and how he has "changed". I was fooled into believing he had changed too. Lasted briefly until things got worse. Get a restraining order from him once you get out.

Get yourself out and your child as soon as you can. Remember, you are all your child has as well and they depend on you.

You can do it. Take care and my prayers are with you.

Answer 6

You should NEVER tolerate physical abuse. Try talking to him again, and if he gets violent, tell him you'll call the police. If he still doesn't listen, follow through and call the police, and go back home to find a relative to live with for the time being, so you can get the hell out of that marriage. Best of luck. and p.s....you should never be ashamed that you received a good education

Answer 7

It is very wrong to even ask if you should tolerate it? Of course the answer is NO YOU SHOULD NOT! He sounds really stupid I am sorry to tell you like this but if his way to make him self to feel better is to beat you, is out of mind. He has some really issues. Do you think that being with someone who beats you and who does not respect you and does not respect your family shows how much he loves you? You deserve and eveybody else does to be with someone who will love you, make you happy and respect you and would never hit you. I would suggest to walk away from this marriage and seek a professional help, like a therapist, who can help you to rebuild your self-esteem as your husband has been destroying it for some quite time in order to make you feel bad about yourself. It's quite normal that you may be asking yourself if it's your fault that he hits you. It's his fault that he cannot control himself. I am sorry but even if he gets angry or upset with you, he has absolutely no right to hit you or to abuse you. There are other ways to communicate our upset feelings. You could report him for abuse. Please get out of this marriage as soon as you can or he will think you will tolerate this forever and there is a danger that you and your children might start to think that his behaviour is acceptable and it's normal to deal with problems this way. You need to realise that a healthy and a loving relationship is based on trust,mutual respect and communication. Verbal abuse, violence is non-tolerable.

BE STRONG! and find yourself a man with the same values, who will treat you with respect, love, care and kindness. This one does not deserve you.

Answer 8

When i first met my husband i knew he had a dodgy past but because i believe everyone deserves a 2nd chance i gave him one, after only 2 1/2 months ( he was away for 3 1/2 years before that) he showed his true colours now not only am i divorcing the bleep im taking him to court for assault, its not easy to accept that you've bad a bad choice in man but thats the ONLY thing your to blame for, accept its time to move on and ditch him, he's not going to change no matter how much you want him to so please dont kid yourself that he will. Well done for tollerating him for this long but you shouldnt have to tollerate your partner, book a flight and go spend some time with your family/friends for support, dont be afraid to ask for help, its not going to be easy, be strong and good luck !

Answer 9

no one should ever lay their hands on you, in a way that is going to hurt you, nor should they verbally abuse you. You are not doing anything wrong but being you and that is not wrong, walk away and go back to your family they will love you no matter what has happened, do not look back when you walk away. If you do not want your child to experience this, then you need to leave..

Answer 10

He can not get away with hitting you. You need to leave honey. Allow him to seek counseling and live apart. Explain to him over the phone that he will have a choice to make. You are right as well about this being bad for your child to see. Do it for the child if not for yourself.
I suggest that you buy a gun because after you leave him he could become even angrier. This way if you have to protect yourself then you are holding the cards. I will be praying that he will go seek counsel and you will be able make it work again one day. I will pray for your safety and his. God bless you and your sweet child.