my niece wants to live with me, but she's only 12 years old, what do i do?

Question

my niece wants to live with me, but she can't unless my parents say so, which they won't. her biological mother(my sister) signed her rights away when she was 1 year old. my niece resents her a lot. apparently my sister is trying to gain back that mother/ daughter relationship that she never had. but in my opinion, its too late. my niece said she wants to live with me because she will have more opportunities where i live. which is true. she had a really bad first day of school. (and its my sisters doing). she doesn't understand how being a preteen is. my sister was such a tomboy, didn't like guys, got in a lot of trouble. my niece has crushes on boys, is girly, likes to dress up. but its not allowed to do any of that in the house where she lives. my parents are really strict and old fashioned, and i personally think my mother should take parenting classes to update herself on teens these days.NEED HELP!

i'm 25 yrs old, married w/two children. my niece tells me that i pay more positive attention to her than what she's getting at home. which, i know how that is because that's the way my parents were with me. my parents adopted my niece, when my sister signed her rights away. in the state where we live, 17 is legal age. (that's going to be a long 5 yrs)

i also don't think its healthy(emotionally) for my niece for her birth mother to be telling her, that if she doesn;t do certain things, like, call her mom, or if she eats certain things that she's going to hell to burn. i believe in brainwashing at that age, because, kids are just learning everthing of the world.

and for more datails, my sister was 26 years old when she signed her rights away. i think thats old enough for some responsibility.

some more datails for that last answer. my parents have seen that she's happy when she comes over to my house, and all they say is " now you think your better than us, since you have a good job and moved to a big city" and with that, i do feel very accomplished.

my sister is 36yrs. ,she is not married, and got really defensive about her status, when i got married. she started to act really weird around me, like if i got married on purpose to spite her. she never has liked me. especially when we were younger, we are 11 years apart, when i was 11 she grabbed my hand and stuck in the door and smashed my fingers, needless to say i was wearing a ring at the time, so the ring cut off the circulation in my hand. my parents got home that evening(they had gone out for their anniversary )to find my hand purple and blue from having no circulation in it. my sister has no patience for children. there are some other issues that go along with this whole question, but in a couple of words, she is an unfit person,and needs to resolve her issues with life, before she ruins my niece's life. i talked to her last night. she was sad, she said because she never got to see us.my parents say she has no business visiting me when i can talk to her on the phone.how wierd

Answer 1

I'm a social worker and your situation is why I oppose relative, especially grandparent placements in certain situations. There is a conflict of interest in protecting the needs of the grandchild and the needs of your child who you still love. I understand that, but the child should come first.

You're right 26 years old is old enough to know what you're doing. This isn't about your sister, this is about the child.

I really don't know enough about you to say, but you should suitable, and yes, I'd let her live with you if it were up to you, but it isn't. Your parents have the legal choice, if they'd let you, I'd say yes, if your husband agrees.

You have to be careful though, you love this child which will do wonders for her, but you have to protect your own children, home and marriage. Will bringing her into your home bring all the drama of your sister along with it? Do you want your kids exposed to that?

If you can safely bring her into you home, I say do it. If you can't there are things you can do......

First, don't fight with your parents (especially in front of her) it will make them more stubborn and will make things worse on her. They may cut you off from her.

Second, be there for her as much as you can. As much as you're allowed have her over for as long as you can. Use that time to give her positive attention, mentor her and model and healthy, strong woman with a healthy marriage.

You say crushes on boys and dressing up....I'm not sure what you mean. She's 12.....she should not be dressing in some of these Jr. Skank outfits I see parents letting their children wear. Short shirts and low jeans....come on. She's a child, not Brittney Spears. (If that's what she wants)

Maybe you could take her shopping and buy some happy medium clothes, in style, but not skanky. Something in the middle. If your mom won't let her wear them, let her at your house.

As hard as it is, you have to walk the line of empathy and support, without talking bad about her mom or your parents. Her mother is her mother, and she is stuck with your parents, fueling her feelings won't help that.....but you can empathize with how hard it is for her.

When she is put down, you can whole heartedly agree, just be respectful....not for your parents, for her. Like "It really doesn't feel fair to you when Grandma makes you talk to your mom. It must feel like your feelings don't even count." Not "Grandma is crazy and you won't burn in hell like I hope she does for saying that to you."

Maybe you could bring in a professional.....a removed fair party who may help your parents and sister see what they are doing to this child. I don't think your sister will see, with parents like that, it is all about them.

Your parents are old school and thinking "Children belong with their parents" they love your sister with the blind love parents have and siblings don't. Maybe a professional could help them see that their responsibility is to the child, not the 26 year old adult who screwed up.

If your niece goes to a counselor for help, the school has to act.....taking you out of the role.

Answer 2

i have a preteen its just that sometimes grandparents and moms feel that they dont want they child life to end up like there i had my daugther when i was 14 and i told her that i will be dame if she is going to follow down my road, not saying that i did not do nothing w/my life but you loose a lot when you are teen you loose a lot of years w/ a baby on you hip, i pretty sure everyone even her mom is just trying to look out for the best of her.

Answer 3

let her stay with your within atleast 2 days, and show up her parents how happy she was being at your house, you are her aunt not a strange woman. So, i gues you have to let her parents know that she feels comfortable being with you and happy.

her parents are Mean but they will change when they will realize that thier daughter will be happy with her aunt.

Answer 4

If your sister and her husband are in a stable relationship and there is no abuse, you can't do anything.

However, you can ask to have her over as often as she can.

Answer 5

let her stay with you

you sound to be the best choice for her

Answer 6

LET HER STAY WITH HER AND HOW OLD ARE YOU WHY DO YOUR PARENTS HAVE TO MAKE THE CHOICE?