I have realized I am gay-Is it wrong for me to leave my wife and kids?

Question

I realize that I will get many different answers and some people will get disgusted with me in the first place. I am married with three kids. I have pretty much come to the conclusion that I am gay. I am out to a few freinds who are cool with it. I have had sex many times with men. I "Like " women, but they obviously cannot give me what I want, or need. I have felt pressure all my life to keep in the closet, to be with women, to marry. I love my family very much, and it hurts. I feel like it may be the right thing for me, to lead the lifestyle I need, but won't I be hurting them?? Why do I feel like such a bad guy. I am 33 yrs old, and have been married for 6 yrs. Yes, I told my wife I had been with men before we got married, and she married me anyway. Now I tell her I believe I am gay, and I am a bad guy. Why?? I didn't realize it. I didn't try to decieve. If anything, I was decieving myself, trying to be who everyone else wanted me to be. I just don't know what to do.

Answer 1

I am so sorry, for many reasons, that you are going through this. I cannot help but think of the movie, "BROKEBACK MOUNTAIN", and what the characters went through. When the movie was released, I went to the official website, and there is a link to read online testimonials, about how the movie affected them. After so many, I had to quit reading them, as it brought me to tears; story after story of love by another name. I feel for you, that you didn't realize this all earlier, and sadly will not be able to spare your family from the pain that will be felt. However, to put it off any longer, will only add to that. Plus, the pain that YOU will surely feel, knowing that you are living a lie. Remember, that this is the woman that you loved, and decided to marry, and bear your children. This isn't going to be easy. You will need to most likely go to counseling, to help you, her, and the children to cope with this. You'll most likely have to relocate, and begin your life again, yet still have contact with the children. Assure your wife that this has NOTHING to do with her as a person. She is going to feel awfully humiliated, and will think it has something to do with her, which is not the case here. (Just imagine her telling people that "he left me for another MAN!") Forgive yourself, and others for this situation, and try to move on. You are NOT a bad guy, just a little delayed with your admissions. I wish you peace, as I feel for your situation, wholeheartedly.

Answer 2

I've never been married but it's obvious these days that vows spoken on that wedding day don't mean jack s h i t. I know that when I marry, they will stay true. I just don't understand this I guess - you loved her when you married her right? So now you believe yourself to be gay. Gay or not, you obviously want to be with someone else other than your wife - sad. Marriage is a commitment that you got yourself into. Sure there is divorce but divorce to me = easy way out. Which, I guess in your case, should be done if you really can't go on living with the one you married because now she cannot fully satisfy your needs. I just see this situation as very sad and hard to understand. What exactly is it that she cannot give you that a man can? To me, love is love and you should be lucky you fell in love with someone in the first place - it doesn't come cheap and not everyone gets to enjoy the life of love. Not to be hasty, but it almost sounds selfish - up and leave the wife and kids to be with a man because that's what you want. And I agree, we should all live life to our utmost fullest and hopefully live a happy and honest life - fact is you have a family, man. A family that I am sure adores you and loves you - and you love them. Just because my dad developed schizophrenia didn't persuade my mom to leave him - sure she's thought about it a million times but she stays with him because she took vows that day and meant them. I know that she sees how green the grass is on the other side, yet she continues to stay strong and make it through. I know that she didn't wish for this kind of life but these are the cards she was dealt. Like other answers before mine, I agree that this is going to be hard and that you will hurt a lot of people. Once you stake this claim, there is no turning back. good luck.

Answer 3

This is a classic case of a boy who may have grown up in an environment that did not accept homosexuals, therefore you decided to cover this up by trying to live a "normal" life by marrying a woman and having children.

You may have not wanted to hurt anyone, but in the end you have ended up hurting yourself, your deceived wife and confused children. I speak from experience. My father is gay, but has never came out although he has divorced my mother and I find gay porn on his computer. After 25 years of marriage to my mother and four children later he now realized that he is not happy. Late, but that's the way it is.

This is why it's important that we learn to accept our children who are gay or lesbian and let them live their lives they way they feel they should.

I do not believe you are a bad guy. You just may have not had the opportunities and acceptance that many young gay men have nowadays. The only thing you can do is accept the truth - in which you have already done and move forward from there. Look at the bright side. You have three beautiful children from this marriage. Many gay men only wish they could have children of their own.

In time you and your family will have adapted to the changes and perhaps a new, extended family could result from this.

Go live your life man.

You can be living proof that it is not too late to get out and be happy and show by example that you do not have to live a miserable life with a woman just so that people around you think you are normal.

Best wishes.

Answer 4

If your wife knew about this when you were married, then she should understand what you are trying to tell her now. If not something needs to be done for sure but I wouldn't know what that is. I have never been married and am seriously opposed to the "gay" lifestyle, but it has never affected how I treat people in general. I know I seem to have no answers for you, but I wanted to let you know that the only person who really understands is Jesus, and I will pray that you will be open to that, and that you will somehow find what it is you need to be able to deal with this and to feel comfortable with who you are. Whatever you decide, I do know that whatever you do as long as you remain there for your kids that is the most important. The wife? well, I don't know. But you can't live with things the way they are. You both should do whatever is possible to stay together and I hope you can find a way to do that. I will pray for you, okay? God Bless.
Take care and don't give up.

Answer 5

There is nothing wrong with marrying and trying to do what society says we should. There is nothing wrong with being gay, either. What unfortunately IS wrong is making a commitment to someone, then violating it. If you are married, be faithful. If you don't think you can do that, get out of the marriage and be the best dad you can be. After all, if you are gonna stay married but cheat on the side, are you really abiding by the promise you made? Do the honorable thing, the thing that works best for your needs AND those of your wife. Don't knock yourself out with guilt, because you are human...but don't have a relationship you can't be faithful in, either. Do what is right for you both.

Answer 6

This is so complicated and I feel for you. I think either way you turn there is going to be hurt. If you stay in the marriage you are going to be unhappy. If you leave your wife and kids you are going to hurt them terribly. I think who I feel the most for are your children because they did not ask to be put here on this earth. The upheaval that they will experience if you leave the home is going to be very tough on them not to mention the social issues they may have to deal with if you come out. I think regardless of whatever you choose to do you need to do it in a way that will protect your children at all costs. I am a lesbian and I have dealt with these issues as well so I really feel for you. If you choose to leave the home my advice to you is if you have any kind of health insurance that will cover any kind of family counseling I would get on the ball and get the whole family going. Even if you feel like you, your wife, and the kids don't need it...go anyway. It will help you all cope with the changes that will come about if you opt to leave. Good luck!!!

Answer 7

Its going to hurt your wife and kids so bad, but at the end of the day, is it going to be harder for you to leave now or later? Its not fair on your wife for you to continue the marriage as you are living a "lie" as you are not "in love" with her.

You need to be happy also. There is 100% nothing wrong with been gay, and I really hope that you can work out your situation with minimal heart ache! But remember no matter what happens its going to hurt. Be strong and remember you only have 1 life so you should live it how you want to!

Take care & Be safe!

Answer 8

If i was you i would set my wife down and tell her that for a while i have been very unhappy.and that it is nothing that she did.and that she have been one of the best wife any man could have.and i would tell her that i have been trying to fight these feeling that i have about other men.but cannot anymore.so rather than stay around and keep living a lie.i must bring this to and end.and tell her that i will still be a man and take good care of you and my kids.but i am gay.and have made up my mind to act on it.i am very sorry for all of the hurt and pain that this has calls you.and i hope that you will someday find the man you need in your life.because my love i am not.hope this has been some help.

Answer 9

If you are certain that you are gay, then the depression caused by living a straight lifestyle will not just affect you but your attitude to your family. Neither your kids nor your wife would deserve that. Your wife, who you love, deserves to be with someone who would look to make her happy and fulfilled in their relationship, as a priority. You won't be able to manage this.

You have (potentially) a lot of pain ahead, as you and your (extended) family's world adjusts to your situation. It would be trite of me to suggest that any divorce would be amicable and that there would never be any issues regarding access to the kids and their maintenance.

The onus is on you to make any transition as easy as it can be through this family trauma. There needs to be lots of reassurance.

I've included a Link below that may help you and your wife come to terms with your situation

Best Wishes

Answer 10

You need to be in your kids life and make sure you support them. There are lot of people in the same position that you are in. I know a guy that got married just because he had tired sex with a women and got her pregnant. Some times you dont realize what you want untill you are much older in life...