Is this marriage ever going to be ok??

Question

I have a friend who has been married for 14 years. They have 3 children together and seem to be ok on the outside. But the problem is,the wife has put up with constant lies such as her husband's over use of drugs from marijauna, coke, crack, to pills. He has an addictive personality as we call it. When he cheated he said it was due to an addiction to sex. As time has rocked on, the woman has told him to leave a few times but the children seemt o pressure her into letting him come home after he parties and she sits home with the children. He goes to the strip clubs and hangs out with all his drug headed buddies. I don't really know what to tell her. She knows how I feel so I thought I would ask you all. Now, it seems my friend has met a man who makes her very happy. She thinks of him all the time and she wants to be with him but because of her children she stays with their dad. How can I let her see it is ok for her to be happy?

Answer 1

We only live once in this world, and in that time, we, as humans have this lifetime planned out at an early age when we start thinking of our ideals. From the kind of guy we meet, to our marriage and even the number of kids we have.
The problem with that, is that it rarely works out that way. There are too many other influences in our lives for us to live idealy. You friend happend to stumble on a huge influence...her children's love for their father. Anyway she looks at this, she knows that it's a bad situation and based on everything this man is addicted to, it's probably never going to get better with everyone excusing his addictions. She needs to get out, it's not a want thing. It's a need, not only for her, but for her children. Maybe she doesn't realize it, but if her husband is ever arrested for all this drug usage, and it's at home where the children are, these children are going to be taken away from her and she is going to be locked up right along with her husband for allowing it to go on.

I know this question was about this guy she likes, and I agree, she should consider her possibilities, but for right now, she should focus on getting out first, before she even considers another man. This is going to be the hardest thing she may ever have to do. She's going to have to answer to her children, let go of a 14 yr relationship, even if he isn't that great to begin with. There are alot of other things holding her back right now. But one thing you should make clear to her is that the children, are just children. They can't see beyond their wants and decide if it's best for them...that has to come from their mother, and the sooner she does it the better.

Answer 2

Some people have trouble letting go of a marriage even a bad one it is scary moving on. As they say better the devil you know than the one you don't. she seems scared to move on perhaps all her basic need are met in the house she is in now. Happiness is a right and she needs to become the adult in the relationship with her children and tell them that she is moving on. Perhaps not right away with the new man as that would just complicate things too much with the kids and the husband but he certainly can still be around. The addictions that the husband have are not healthy and it is not an ideal environment to raise the kids in it is rally a child protection matter so she should go to authorities and get some help to move out etc. Whilst he may have an addictive personality he can still take ownership of this and do something about his behaviour. Right now there are no consequences for his negative behaviour as despite all his wrong doings he does not loose his family. The kids will grow up and leave one day then it will be too late for her to be happy. After 14 years of this crap she has certainly given her marriage a try. Advise her to move locally so the kids can still see their dad. In some ways they are manipulating her as well just like dad and that needs to come to a stop.

Answer 3

She is happy playing a game, she doesn't realise that it is a game, but she will play the victim as long as she feels that is what she wants to be.There will always be an excuse for him to come back as long as she allows it. Unfortunately you have become involved , because you care, her kids are involved. She has to break the cycle but in some perverse way she could be getting some benefit from this. I do not mean that in a nasty way but maybe she is getting more attention from you her friend, because there is always a drama, or maybe she is just fulfilling what she believes she is worth.Either way it is only her that can make the decision to leave this loser.
If she really wanted this new guy then she would make the move. What does happen a lot in these situations is you have the victimiser and the victim then along comes the guy who is the saviour. A strange thing can then happen and the victim pulls a 'switch' the saviour then can become the victim of the previous victim i.e. her, she can throw all the bad feelings that she has had on to the poor new guy as if to pounish him for her previous partner's mis-demeanours. I think you just have to stand by her as a friend and if she stays with this guy, stick by her, if she decides to leave offer every support.

Answer 4

From experience...no this marriage is not going to be okay.
I understand your friends need to think of her children, however, there will come a day when the children will be grown...leave the house to pursue careers and/or families of their own..and your friend will be on her own. If her children care about her, they should care if she is happy. But as children do..they dont understand complex 'adult' relationships, they only know they want both of their parents, together.
I dont think your friend should look for another man to make her happy. She needs to resolve her relationship now..one way or the other and be committed to her decision.
Taking baggage from one relationship into another, is never a good idea. The next relationship is set up for failure, whenever ppl do that.
She needs to be happy in her own right, only then will she be happy with someone else.

Answer 5

Unfortunately ur "friend" doesnt see that she is enabling her husband to act this way.. she is now partially to blame for his actions, because she's allowing it.. and the fact that she lets her kids dictate what she does with her life only proves even further that she cant seem to think for herself.. A GOOD mother would see that this is not a healthy environment for her children, and wouldnt want them growing up thinking that its ok to act this way when u grow up.. Does it mean she "has " to divorce him? No. It means that she needs to leave him, take the kids, and MAYBE he will grow up and realize what he's losing .. and if he cares about his kids as much as she cares about her kids feelings about being with their dad, then he'll change.. but if not, why should she stay with a man for the kids sake that doesnt love his kids enough to get help and walk the straight and narrow?? Your friend is being neglectful to her children and putting them in harms way and at this point she needs to decide if living with a man that has drug issues is worth losing her kids, because if the right people find out about this she could very well lose all her kids, Is he worth that???????????? Tell her to stop being an enabler.. if she keeps forgiving him he figures that out, and just keeps doing it, why? because wheres the consequence?? there is none, he just makes empty promises, says sweet things, and boom hes back in the door.. Does he have a problem? YES.. But so does she.. shes to blame for putting up with it, shes to blame for putting her kids in harms way.. shes to blame for enabling him to do it.. Hope she wises up before the state moves in and takes the kids away from both of them..

Answer 6

Children don't have the best skills in knowing whats best for them. If you want my opinion she should leave her husband and perhaps persue things with this new guy more. Even if she hadn't met the new guy however, i would still convince her to leave. As i said, the kids may think their happy, but if i was a mother i wouldn't want my children growing up with that for a role model and i would have a fear that he could come home drunk/high and maybe become violent around them. Point this out to her and it might help her understand it's for the better.

Good luck to your friend. She's lucky to have a person who cares about her so deeply. xxx

Answer 7

the marriage can only be happy if they both want it to be and open a line of communication between them up. I also believe that the mother will sometimes have to make a hard choice even if the kids do not agree with it. Last time i checked the parents were the ones in charge not the kids. The job of a parent is to protect them from harm and to set positive examples for them. How can one tell them not to do drugs, or drink, or party at all hours of the night when they see it at home? Kind of one of those things that says we can't do it as kids but when we are older we can do it. In all honesty she has to be sick and tired of the way he treats her. You can choose to back off of the friendship and let them have their space and tell her you're still her friend but you for your own sanity will need to back off because it's not fair for you to only hear the bad things about the guy that she defends several times by cont. to take him back time and time again. If she wants to be happy she has to be happy alone and with her kids before she can be happy with anyone else.

Answer 8

No, this marriage is anything but okay. I can tell you from experience that when you are in love with someone who is in love with drugs, you always come last. As for the children, the worst thing in the world she could do is stay with him. Too often, people stay together for the kids, but it just ends up screwing them up even worse then if you were to seperate. Children are innocent but they aren't stupid.
If anything, she should leave him for her children, that is what is best for them but hey, that's my opinion I dont know her kids or her.

He will swear up and down to change everything if he hasn't already, he will say he'll get help and go to rehab. Great, let him, but she needs to stand her guard and just say " I really hope that works out for you.. I'm still leaving".

Answer 9

She needs to be the adult and kick him to the curb. She shouldn't let her kids pressure her to stay. A parent should never stay in a relationship because of there children. It can only be damaging to them in the long run. Her children need to understand that just because their dad doesn't live with them that doesn't mean he isn't their dad anymore. As a parent she must realize that this is not a good environment for her children to grow up in. When they get older they will have respect for her and themselves. In time they will understand why she did what she did. It will be a rough road ahead for her but she just needs to be strong and remember it is for the best.

Answer 10

If she's miserable and her husband is this addicted, this is not a healthy enviornment for herself or for her children. It's wonderful she's found another guy who might be a good partner, but she should leave to be with him, she should leave to get out of a bad marriage. If after she leaves and the dust has settled (it usually takes about 6 months to get your head straight and routines back) and she feels open to it not as a rebound relationship but as a new one, then by all means, see about the new person. But yes, I agree, if she really wants out she should go.