How do you deal with an alky?

Question

I love a woman who is a total drunk now. We were together for 8 years but the last two she became a total drunk due to some deaths in her family. Problem is she gets violant when she drinks which is nightly till she passes out. Told her to leave now she lives with some friends of hers that are exactly the same as her. Gave her time 6 months to think and tryed again but still the same. What do I do? I care to much to walk away but cant deal with her anymore. I have found myself wanting to end my life because I love her and cant get it thru her head that I want her to see she has a problem. The two family deaths in her life were also due to boose how could she be this way then. She is drunk and passed out in her car in my driveway as I type this

Answer 1

She will not stop until she is ready. AA is great, and she may need an in-house program since she seems so bad. The problem is you can force her to dry up, but if she still has the same issues to deal with (the deaths) then she will go right back to drinking. What ever the action, make sure she understands that counseling is a must.

You are a wonderful person to still care about her and want to help her through this. You could try going to an al-anon meeting. You may get more answers from them. Those people have dealt with all of this, too.

Answer 2

Been There, Done That.
Just like the other answers you got...
She will not quit unless she wants to, you can say or do nothing that will MAKE her quit.
You can not reason with a drunk.
For your own sanity have no further contact with her, any attempts on your part will only be fuel for fire from her.
Sorry to be blunt, but... the person you knew before is dead and gone as long as she drinks, and the longer she drinks the deader. (impossible to have it the "way it was").
I still care about my Ex-, and dream about the way it could have been, but that doesn't change her behaviour, even after nine years and about as many rehabs(30 days and longer).
Cut the cord and walk away.
If she is violent and you stay involved you will most likely end up with some kind of domestic violence charge or worse.
Do as like someone else said and if at all possible call the cops and get her in jail to dry up(trespassing,threatening, battery) , but still stay away from her.

Answer 3

Have you been to Al Anon? They can help you. You'll have to leave her. She's got to hit bottom. If and when she's had enough she'll go to treatment, and then it is possible you can be together down the road. But right now she is not capable of caring about you, she only cares about the booze. She is not a bad person, alcoholism is a disease. There is no hope for the two of you as a couple until she WANTS to recover. Take care of yourself. Go to the first Al Anon meeting you can find. As long as she is still breathing, she has a chance, but this disease KILLS.

Good Luck and God Bless.

Answer 4

Pal, I am sorry to hear the problem that you face, and believe me it is a big one. I was going to recommend Al-Anon. They help people like you to deal with an alcoholic. But what you have said at this point I don't think you are ready for Al-Anon. She has to have help. She has to enter a "Duel-Diagnoisis" unit at the hospital and let them, under medication get her back. I feel for her loss, and the same thing happened to my ex-wife when her sister got killed in a mining accident. She never got over it, but has since stopped drinking. That I do not know for sure. That accident ruined out marriage after about two years after her sisters death. But friend you have a long way to go, and try as you may t ry to convince her how much she means to you and that you are going to help her through this past episode.
I realize that "grief affects people in different ways. But please try to help her, and don't do anything that would make matters worse for her. My prayers are with you. Rody_o

Answer 5

You must of had a alcoholic in your family before so I am guessing. Tough love is the best you can do tell her it is either me or the booze. She has to get help for herself she is not going to do if for anyone else. You can cry,scream,nag,and beg and she will not do it. You need to stay strong and put your foot down otherwise she is going to lose from the bottle. Try to talk to her about her getting herself help at AA and you should go to alanon that is a meeting where people who live with alcoholics can talk about what is going on. Personally I would not put up with the drinking. If you have children with this women she is damaging your children. Either leave or have her leave and tell her she is not welcome in the home unless she seeks treatment.

Answer 6

wow...umm...First ...You cannot make her stop..no matter how much you love her. She has a problem that ONLY SHE can fix. You are not doing her any favors by putting up with it. You have to DEMAND that she leave you alone until she gets the help she needs. Talk very serious ONE MORE TIME and tell her she HAS to go to re-hab NOW or it is OVER. Alcholism is a disease,true enough. But it CAN be controlled. Also..If you drink with her....STOP. She thinks you are being hypocritical if you drink too. oh yea.... Go Get THE KEYS NOW. Good Luck and Take Care.

Answer 7

I was with an alcoholic for 13 years. It is something that is very hard to deal with. First off she has to be able to admit she has a problem. You could try to get her to go to AA and you can also attend the meetings with her which will help you to understand her better. But if she is not willing to at least try then you should quit putting yourself through this and move on with your life. I know it may be hard at first but trust me it is much better than what you have to go through with an alcoholic. I finally put mine out and am much happier. Good Luck

Answer 8

Hving a bunch of alkies in my family, I can identify with your plight. I finally came to the realization that you have to give them a choice...get help or you have to cut off all contact with them till they do.
You have to live your life with as much happines as you can find. Being around alcoholics will only bring you down. They have no joy in their lives because of the booze. I am sorry you are in this situation but the best thing you can do is give an ultimatium. Either its the booze or you.

Answer 9

My heart goes out to you. This is one of those absolutely worst case scenarios, because once alcohol takes hold, there is nothing anyone can do for the person. They have to do it for themselves. You can help them once they decide that life is more important than booze, but until they hit bottom, there is just nothing you can do.
There is, however, a lot you can do for yourself, and you sound like a pretty nice guy, to be so supportive and understanding of her in this very destructive phase she is in.
Get in touch with your local AA group. You aren't an alcoholic, but they have a great program for people who are associated with alcoholics, from husbands to family, friends etc. They'll give you pointers on how to help her get to the stage where she wants to turn her life around, and then help you both in helping her achieve that goal.
But do get some help -- for both of your sakes. You'll do her no good if you try ending your life. If you love her, let AA help you both to work toward a successful, booze free life.
Bless you for your great, compassionate heart, and good luck to both of you.

Answer 10

basicly i suggest getting a therapist.. obviously from what you have said alcohol has ruined what you guys have and she cares about that more than you.. i think a therapist will help you break away from her.. even though you think its impossible now i think you should give it a shot.. dont waste your precious life trying to fix something that cant be fixed.. you only have one life man.. make the best of it and come out of this a better person than you were before.. im sorry for your situation..