"you look
but are you seeing?
on the outside i'm fine,
but inside i'm screaming!
the scars are slowly fading,
but the pain stays buried deep.
you've never never seen me cry,
but i sob myself to sleep.
(chorus:) and you can't see it
unless you know what you are looking for.
and you can't tell me how i feel
unless you know how i felt before.
and you can't feel this pain
unless you aren't afraid to reach out.
and you can't make me be sure of myself
unless you yourself aren't in doubt.
and you can't help me now
unless you've known my past.
and you can't try and make me love you...
...unless i know that yours will last
-end chorus-
you hear me
but are you listening?
my voice is small and fading
so now i am only whispering.
you can hear the laughs
but can you hear the emptiness?
will you be the one to hear me?
will you be the one to end this?
(repeat chorus)
...unless i know that yours will last...."
2006-08-21 15:42:06 · 21 answers · asked by lifeistough_period 1 in Arts & Humanities ➔ Books & Authors
Awesome, very deep, very thoughtful.
2006-08-21 15:57:31 · answer #1 · answered by ? 6 · 0⤊ 0⤋
you've got something...you've really got something.
It's got an edgy kind of sulky sadness that I can hear from your words. My suggestion would be to work on changing the last line from that ends the first chorus before it. It doesn't make sense to repeat it after you've already repeated the chorus, then you repeat that line again"...unless i know that yours will last..." I'd change that part to something different, but with the same rhythm, like "...unless i know you'll stay forever..." something like that will tell us that you've thought about your words and your not just repeating everything for the sake of repeating words.
The other line that doesn't do it for me is "you can hear the laughs". It doesn't really fit in between whispering and emptiness. A good solution at this point to break up the monotony would be to simply put in some la la las or da da das. Don't think you have to have words in every line. You don't. You're not writing a poem.
You have a talent, I can tell.
2006-08-21 23:39:07 · answer #2 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋
Well you asked for honesty and overall I think you have made a good effort here. Still I also think you might refine it a bit.
"Sob yourself to sleep" rhymes nicely, but seems a little childish and self-involved. Perhaps some use of the word weep in that line might preserve the rhyme but seem a little more mature. After all, the emotions you are relating are not childlike, but those of a young woman whose heart has been broken.
The chorus seems a bit long to me. It seeks to accomplish too much and its repetition in the second instance may be a bit tedious. Some of those thoughts might be better employed in a verse, and indeed you need at least one more verse.
Finally, "but can you hear the emptiness?" does not seem to be in accord with the balance of your lyric. Your song paints a picture of a woman with deep and brooding emotions, indeed one who is full of emotion, not empty.
You have conveyed that much quite well I think, and have reason to be proud of your efforts. Keep up the good work!
2006-08-22 00:22:53 · answer #3 · answered by anonymourati 5 · 0⤊ 0⤋
It is actually really good. You might want to take these lyrics down, someone may take them. There is probably a flow to it that one could only hear if it were an actual song now, because the chorus is slightly long, but still good. Deep song, kind of sad though, but good sad. Ohh, and listen to Elliott Smith if you are ever looking for inspiration, he helps me anyways.
2006-08-21 22:51:51 · answer #4 · answered by obeythemightysquirrel 2 · 0⤊ 0⤋
ok im going to be really honest .I LOVE IT seriously i really do and im not just saying that so i can have the ten point i could care less about that .its really good .at this moment thats how im feeling inside but im just not that creative to write it down like that .perfect choice of words .it would be great if you could turn that into a hot song that would play on the radio .theres nothing out right now like this .i'm always looking for a song to relate to and this would be a geat one .do you mind if i steal this and send it as a poen to my boyfriend?
2006-08-21 23:21:05 · answer #5 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋
It seems like it would be a good song! It would be helpful if people knew what kind of beat or rhythm the song went to... it would just help with more of an idea for the song.
2006-08-21 22:52:19 · answer #6 · answered by terrispassion 1 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Wow you are really talented! I think you should copy-right it and FAST...lol! No but seriously you should sumbit that to a record company and see what they think. And since your already such a great song writer go sign up for some voice lessons!
2006-08-21 22:49:43 · answer #7 · answered by trixiepuff05 1 · 0⤊ 0⤋
My honest opinion it could be a poem also.That is pretty good.On a count that my Uncle is a song writter and singer.He's not big or anything.He just writes and plays music for fun.Trust me he knows his music and he traned me to know music too.I'm also good at poetry writting.
2006-08-22 00:08:29 · answer #8 · answered by Lil'A 2 · 0⤊ 0⤋
the poem or song is really good, but I can't tell if the song that is sung will sound as good as it looks... sorry... i need to hear someone sing it
also i'm guessing this is how u feel (referring to the song) how sad. :(
2006-08-22 01:23:46 · answer #9 · answered by Sakura H 1 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Very good and creative. Very, very sad, I hope that you are not actually that sad. Good luck with your writing, have a good night!
2006-08-21 22:49:23 · answer #10 · answered by Sue F 7 · 0⤊ 0⤋