ok i am 17 i am writing a song plz tell me what you think of it so far!!! please please please be honest!!!!!!

Question

this is the chorus

"and you can't see it
unless you know what you are looking for.
and you can't tell me how i feel
unless you know how i felt before.
and you can't feel this pain
unless you aren't afraid to reach out.
and you can't make me be sure of myself
unless you yourself aren't in doubt.
and you can't help me now
unless you've known my past.
and you can't try and make me love you...

...unless i know that yours will last."

ok i just finishd it,
here is the whole thing.

"you look
but are you seeing?
on the outside i'm fine,
but inside i'm screaming!
the scars are slowly fading,
but the pain stays buried deep.
you've never never seen me cry,
but i sob myself to sleep.

(chorus:) and you can't see it
unless you know what you are looking for.
and you can't tell me how i feel
unless you know how i felt before.
and you can't feel this pain
unless you aren't afraid to reach out.
and you can't make me be sure of myself
unless you yourself aren't in doubt.
and you can't help me now
unless you've known my past.
and you can't try and make me love you...

...unless i know that yours will last

-end chorus-

you hear me
but are you listening?
my voice is small and fading
so now i am only whispering.
you can hear the laughs
but can you hear the emptiness?
will you be the one to hear me?
will you be the one to end this?

(repeat chorus)

...unless i know that yours will last...."

oh, and most of the songs or poems that i post on here, i get alot of feedback saying stuff like "oh it was good but i didn't understand this...."
and with the things that i write, you aren't supposed to understand. it gives a little mystery and also if it's kind of confusing and doesn't spell every little thing out, it can mean something different to everyone. :-)

Answer 1

Wow, I usually hate songs that girls post on here, but that was actually pretty good. It flowed, it had meaning, it was intelligent, and you even made it rhyme. It had all the components of a good chorus. Now you just need to make some good music to put those lyrics to. Please don't make it some stupid rap, r&b, or pop song. A song that good has to have some sort of a rock beat.

Answer 2

the lyrics are a personal thing. They are an underlying secret or opinion in any artist's life revealed in a way that is mesmerising. Not many people can understand the lyrics of Rage against the machine but so many people love their music.
I was reading in a magazine the other day about Kurt Cobain's lyrics for the song in bloom about how he was dissing the rednecks and macho men and the lyrics are something like "and he likes to sing along and he likes to shoot his gun, but it don't know what it means".
What I'm trying to say is, people will like your song if it has a nice tune and you can actually sing. The lyrics are something for you to sing about personally and to show people that they are not the only ones in the same situation as you. Saying that, I recently heard Rihanna's unfaithful song and they are the worst lyrics I've ever heard in my life. Not only is she revealing something that really should be kept to herself, the lyrics sound like they were written by a 7 year old. It just didn't go with the tune.
Anyway, I really like your lyrics tbh. Most of the time, when people ask these sorts of questions, I'll say "no" because it's usually not that great but I kinda like yours. It just needs a good tune to go with it...

Answer 3

Too many "and's" and it's a little bit choppy depending on how you sing it. Overall, you've done a great job so far. Nice going! I'll give it a 4.6 out of a 5! Okay, nvm about the ands; I just saw how you structured the rhyme scheme. PERFECT!

Answer 4

I like it alot.
You could break it into three sections to make your verses, and come up with something strong, like two good lines that sum up the gist of the song, and you've got a great rock ballad. I liked it. I would drop the "and"s though.

Answer 5

I like it. I've heard worse on the radio making $$$ in royalties. You deserve a pat on the back for giving writing a try AND having the guts to put it out there for criticism.

Bravo :)

Answer 6

Sounds Good!

Answer 7

I think it sounds good so far. Can't wait to hear the rest...or read it. What does the music sound like with it? Or are you just writing lyrics?

Answer 8

Sounds good to me send me an audio of the melody cuz I read it like a poem

Answer 9

A little Narcissistic, but has great potential I would add a line regarding what the feeling is your hiding

Answer 10

This song is very introspective, just like me. Are you normally very deep? It's a tad depressing, but if its coming from your heart than no one should dis it. Keep working on it!