My wife and I are in love, I love her, respect and adore her. But she has been seeing an old hs sweetheart for awhile now. Says there only friends and nothing is going on. I'm not sure how to handle this, I trust my wife and I KNOW shes not messing around with her friend, now. She says to not make her choose between the friend or me because she won't. If the marriage ends it will be because I send her packing not because of her, so it would my ending the marriage not her. How the hell to I handle that, to me she's saying she would rather give up the marriage of 25 yr and me instead of her friend. She says thats not the case. I'm I seeing this wrong or what?
2006-08-21 14:12:56 · 29 answers · asked by Anonymous in Family & Relationships ➔ Friends
I did'n ask her to choose, she said this on her own. She talks to him daily twice, and spend a day with every month.
2006-08-21 14:29:11 · update #1
well unless her high school sweetheart has changed his preferance in sexual partners I think we all know whats getting started.It may not have happend yet but you know it will.God gives us instincts for a reason.Tell her your not comfortable with her spending so much time with an ex no matter how far back in the past hes from.If she doesnt like it and wants to leave you saying your to possesive or something along those lines well its obvious the unthinkable has happend.Ask her does she want you runnin with some ex love of yours.Tell her to make her choice and remember there are many lovley single ladies.
2006-08-21 14:58:26 · answer #1 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋
I think your first sentence, unfortunately is slightly delusional. My wife and I are in love. You love your wife, but her love for you is in question, literally. I would think if you approached the situation calmly and explained that you feel uncomfortable with her spending so much time with an ex and less time with you that she would be understanding and the both of you could work through it without ending a marriage. A marriage is built on trust and takes hard work as you well know. I don't like her response that she would rather throw away 25yrs of supposed joy for an ex fling. That doesn't make sense. Maybe you can compromise with her so that she doesn't spend much time with him (I'm assuming) at all or work out a way that you can spend more time with her and become closer to her again. It sounds like you need to go on a few dates to rekindle your romance or a special outing. Anything to remind her of your love for her, and what she would be giving up. In the end, you can't make her stay with you, I'm sorry to say, but you can not make the situation worse by putting strict demands on her more than what is usual for everyday living. This is a problem that has deeper motivations than what is apparent and you need to be patient but firm in working through this situation. Show her love and kindness and talk with her about it. No ultimatums should be needed, but it is awfully strange she would spend more time with an ex than yourself unless she's taking you for granted, in which case let her know, kindly. Good luck on your marriage. If all else fails, you might want to try a marriage counselor to help you guys get back on track like you did 25 yrs ago.
2006-08-21 14:28:33 · answer #2 · answered by Falcon Boy Toy 3 · 0⤊ 0⤋
She is basically saying that she is not going to end her friendship, so it is you who has to decide if you can deal with it or not. Best of luck, I am not sure exactly how I would go about this, but if you love her then you will find a way to work this out. Why not make friends with this guy and perhaps try to hook him up with a single female friend? Maybe marriage counseling would help just to help facilitate between you two. Don't ruin what sounds like a good marriage over this.
2006-08-21 14:22:00 · answer #3 · answered by kimberly b 4 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Well, if she says she's not messing around with her friend, and you believe her, then give her some latitude. They really could be just friends. I am married and have a very close friend who is a man, and our relationship is totally platonic (and yes, he is straight). My husband and he are friends as well, but he and I are closer than my husband and he.
She probably does have strong feelings about her friend - she probably enjoys his company more than anything, and feels like she would lose that companionship and would be quite hurt if she were forced to end their friendship.
Bottom line, talk more about it with your wife, in the most non-hostile way possible. Get to know this guy, and trust her. You've been married for 25 years - you guys can work through this!
2006-08-21 14:23:16 · answer #4 · answered by HoosierMommy06 3 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Would she not be hurt if you chose a woman friend to hang out with? What a double standard.
There is no way to know if you are being had. Just because she said don't make me choose doesn't mean she wouldn't choose you. Maybe she just won't tolerate an ultimatum. BUT, maybe she would choose the friend over you. Which means it's more than a friendship.
Only you can figure this out.
2006-08-21 14:20:57 · answer #5 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋
well how have you tried to take the place of her friend? are you there and listening all the time. if you trust her i dont understand your deleima. i personally say to her i understand that he means a lot to you but he hasnt been here the whole time i have i dont like it that he gets to just see this good time when ive been here for the bad too. it really comes down to how much you have invested emotionally in the realtionship. but i do understand you need to sit a calmly think about it and write it all down so that you can sort through it and then talk to her so that you are not talking from the hurt so that you can talk from a more constructive angle.
2006-08-21 14:23:53 · answer #6 · answered by gsschulte 6 · 0⤊ 0⤋
She is telling you that you are not in control of her every move. If you trust her then you should not worry. But you do not trust her, because you are worried. I think that she should be entitled to be friends with anyone she wants to. If you have reason to suspect she is cheating then you should act on that, otherwise leave it alone. The question I have is why are you making her choose? Does she make you choose between her and your friends? I am sorry, but it sounds as if you are kind of controlling.
2006-08-21 14:22:15 · answer #7 · answered by jimbobb1 4 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Give me a break. You are soooooo innocent then? I'm sure in 25 years you haven't had a huge (amhem) for another woman. You will know soon what's up with her. Maybe this is your big break in life. It wasn't going that well anyway. Right? She needs some excitement and has choosen him. He will ride this bull out for more than eight seconds. The rodeo rider never owns, shelters and feeds the bull. Right? You need to take this up with him and kick his royal you know what.
Then you need to leave or kick her out the house. You have grounds.
2006-08-21 14:26:37 · answer #8 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋
You say your wife and you are in love. Meaning the feeling is mutual. On the other hand she is spending time with someone else other than you.
What is the problem? Is she neglecting you?
Does she give to that relationship what rightly belongs to you?
You seem confused. You can't handle anything unless you know what is exactly going on.
2006-08-21 14:23:09 · answer #9 · answered by flugelberry 4 · 0⤊ 0⤋
I don't think that you are seeing it wrong at all, and it is not right to you. You are her husband, and no man, friend or not should come between you and her. If that is how she feels, then I would test it and see how far she is willing to go with it. maybe she don't think that you will make her choose, and maybe she just needs a wake up call. If not, then get out and find someone that will love you and make you happy and wont choose a friend over you.
2006-08-21 14:21:40 · answer #10 · answered by Just Me 2 · 0⤊ 1⤋