In open arms I embrace them,
With open heart I love them.
In trust unbound I reveal my soul,
With faith unfound they burn my soul.
In their pleasure I am blind,
In my pain I see clearly.
They seek out the love of others
For their own uses they instill trust.
With love and kindness they bring out my secrets
And they breach confidence to humiliate.
The loss of a friend is
An extraction from the soul.
They become discovered and seek forgiveness
They plead for love and for mercy.
They promise emptiness
And deliver lies.
To forgive is to renew trust
But where deception does reign,
Forgiveness renews only pain.
2006-08-21 13:33:44 · 4 answers · asked by Anonymous in Education & Reference ➔ Words & Wordplay
Thank you for your answers.
I wrote this in 2001 and considering some revisions. A improved meter and structured rhyme.
It's based on an experience I had of betrayal.
2006-08-21 14:28:43 · update #1
I loved this. Personally, I rather love the meaning of the poem, and the last stanza, and the style... but I agree with you regarding the need for a bit of revision of meter&rhyme. I suppose I just don't like the repetition of the same word in the same stanza in the same position is all...
but the rest is wonderful.
I'm not sure if you were looking for constructive criticism or just opinion... but ... to me, the poem is touching, but not thoroughly moving. It makes me relate, but does not make me hurt. Like... it invokes sympathy, but not empathy.
I think you definitely are talented, but speaking from the perspective of a poet (although I've never submitted my work)-- I think it'd be more emotionally moving if you... spent less time on rhyming and more on description.
Personally, I write in free-verse.
Beautiful though, really. Even though I'm criticising, I'm in awe. Because when I feel betrayed, I cannot bring myself to write.
Hopefully I was a bit helpful to you.
2006-08-23 00:44:13 · answer #1 · answered by Zyxxin 3 · 0⤊ 0⤋
A very good poem about hurt, pain, forgiveness, love.
Matters of the heart.
It isn't always like that.
It sounds like this one is the wrong one.
Love doesn nont allow us to choose,
does it?
Be true to self
look for a mirror
where you are
can be found there...
2006-08-21 13:47:42 · answer #2 · answered by elibw 3 · 0⤊ 0⤋
That is an awesome poem and i agree with the first person to answer definitely publish worthy.
2006-08-21 13:51:55 · answer #3 · answered by Max Star 2 · 0⤊ 0⤋
I think it is a very beautiful poem about grief and letting go,it sounds publish-worthy.
2006-08-21 13:46:39 · answer #4 · answered by T.Mack 5 · 0⤊ 0⤋