What should we do? Keep trying to work it out and save the marriage, or divorce and save ourselves?

Question

I tend to run away from responsibility, Ive struggled with depression all my life. Knowing this, my best friend, against my pleading, fell for me and talked me into dating her and then into marrying her. I mistaked "not knowing what I want" for "I can handle anything" and we married. I told her before we even started dating I knew a few things, like I dont want kids (she does) and I dont want to live in this area (she does). Didnt faze her. She was driven to do good things back then, plus she was hot. Since we got married 5 years ago, weve degraded drastically. Im sure my depression has brought her down. Shes given up changing the world and shes gained a lot of weight. I was frugal and never had any debt before we married. Now were $30,000 in debt and we live on her parents property. Ive never done the manly thing before. What should we do? Keep trying to work it out and save the marriage, or divorce and save ourselves? No one in her family has ever divorced and no one in mine hasn't.

I should add that we are both in our mid 20's, working and going to school.

Also that my relationships before her tended to die out when I stopped calling, a tribute to my lack of manliness, fear of responsibility and history of depression.

She had no romantic relationships prior to me, which leads me to believe she persists in loving me out of guilt for wasting her love on me initially.

We do not have children yet.

Answer 1

wow, that's tough. It may help to try some counseling and if that doesn't work you may wan to end it. The differences such as her wanting children and you not wanting them will just end in something much more bitter later on in life when she blames you for not wanting children when she knew all along. I'm not sure what else to say except good luck an all my best to you.
At least you are man enough to admit there's a problem and try to resolve it.

Answer 2

Sounds like you laid your cards on the table for her to see before getting involved, that's one in your favor. You didn't mention any children, so I take it there wasn't any conceived. You both work yet so far in debt, not good. I really don't understand your meaning "never done the manly thing before".

Your depression could be controlled under a doctors care. Seek some help. If you have been together 5 years now, maybe this is just the trouble point in all marriages that have to be worked on and communication is a good way to overcome this. Working with a doctor about your depression he could give you some advise on your marriage, at least another doctor to see if nothing else. Don't let your last statement control what the 2 of you need to do, it is not about what everyone in the family are doing it is what you 2 think is best for your situation

Answer 3

This sounds like a typical thing for you to do. I mean you've run away from everything else in your life why not this? Yeah, why not this? What makes you struggle with this? maybe because half of the reason it's not working is because you've hid behind your depression and never gave it an honest try. I'm in awe. I'd like to know where in the world did you get off marrying her in the first place and then bringing her down to your level of depression. You knew it was wrong, but much like now, you couldn't take a stand in life and now you've gone and ruined her life too. And the $30,000 in debt? This only adds to your history of irresponsibility...you are only in your 20's, how in the world do you accumulate so much debt without your own house? I'm sure you weren't looking for a lecture, and maybe you your wife sees something in you that I don't, but I strongly believe this is something you needed to hear. Stop using your depression as an excuse to hide behind your insecurities, stand up for yourself, take control of the situation and do the right thing. Divorce her and get some counseling buddy, cuz you desperately need that more than the excuses or the advice!

Answer 4

Hard to say i mean your right on aspects she should of spoke out a lot sooner. communication will break your relationship more so if it's not backed up with passion and trust. There for most of this is on her. Sad to think that she isn't willing to work through the bad times. I'm sorry for that. But now that you know you can only talk to her. and tell her what you have stated her. Don't be fearful of showing how you feel. She needs to know. Tell her you really wish she would of said something earlier. As the good ol saying is how can you fix something when yo uodn't know anything is wrong. And now she isn't giving you a fair chance. Looks like the ball is in her court. maybe ask her what do I have to do to save this marriage. that way you can get a little insite on where she is at in her head. By the soudns of it you both sound sort of lost at the moment. but remember the vows for better or worse. what your faced with is fixable.

Answer 5

First, whatever happened or didnt in either of your families shouldnt have any bearing on you two now. It sounds like she was trying to get away from something and married you as the escape route and you two married at an early age with neither really ready for the responsibility nor not knowing where you wanted to go. You two had alot of growing up to do before this should have ever happened. But none of that matters now. Both of you are unhappy in a dead end marriage. So the best bet here would be to end the marriage on friendly terms, split the debt equally and depart as friends, and who knows maybe someday down lifes journey you two just might get together again under a better light. Stranger things have happened and you never know. Good luck to both of you.

Answer 6

What do u mean she talked u into marrying her? U played a part in that decision also. U know damn well that u should not be trying to marry someone and your still in your 20s. U do not know what u want out of a relationship or a woman. Then u admit that u run from responsibility. That is not something that a real man would do. For example if she does wind up pregnant are u going to turn and run because that is what u do? The two of u should have really thought this through. Why did u even ask her to marry u in the first place, what were u thinking with your brain or your manhood? Take it from me I am in my mid 20s and my boyfriend and I want to get married but we know that we are not ready and we have been together for the past 10 years off and on. It is not going to work, sure counseling may work for a few months but then what? Sit down and have a heart to heart talk, you guys jumped in head first and were not thinking logical.

Answer 7

Depression is tough to deal with, and will degrade your relationships. Are you getting help for it? Have you tried treatments? If it's affected this relationship, it will affect others. (I've had first-hand experience, have struggled with depression for most of my life, but it did get better with treatment.)

Don't make decisions based on who has done what in your family. Well, so what if no one has been divorced. If you're making yourself and another person miserable, it would be fair to bow out. Even if you don't want to try again, she might want another shot at happiness. Sounds like both of you did the "I don't know what I want" thing; it's not the end of the world, and it's not too late to fix it. Marriage works better when people are mature, and have compatible goals and aspirations.

Answer 8

Keep trying to work it out and save the marriage

Answer 9

First, you shouldn't let anyone talk you into doing anything you dont want to do. And of you feel that you are that weak to listen to someone else then, somethings wrong.
Second, dont let them (your wife, and friend) decide whats good for you.
It depends where, and who youre comfortale with.
what you need to do is evaluate your marriage and it doesnt matter if her family, or yours never had a divorce: its what makes you happy.
in your life it sounds like you always had someone to make you/influence you to do something in your life just do something for yourself.
and if your only in you mid 20's you had plenty of time to see what other women are out there for you.
I truly believe that if you wish to save the marriage then you should go to marriage counseling, but if you dont take the divorce lightly.
God Bless your decisions.

Answer 10

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