Based on previous experiences I know my long term boyfriend will get upset at something and act cold and distant towards me without talking to me about what upsets him. The cause of his discontent usually only comes out if I initiate a discussion. Even then,I have to show lots of encouragement and openness for him to feel comfortable enough to talk.
I know his father and his father is very passive aggressive towards others in the family,especially his mother. When some of his friends, who are a bit manipulative, get caught lying to him or taking advantage of him, he tries to talk it out with his friends. But, his friends deny any wrongdoing and will end conversations when he tries to discuss things. His friends are cutting off honest communication. They'll even punish him by not inviting him out if he pursues the discussion too much.
Am I doing something to encourage his passive aggressive behavior? Can anything help?
2006-08-21 11:47:10 · 10 answers · asked by motomotorzee 1 in Family & Relationships ➔ Marriage & Divorce
cant think of a thing tht helps! How do u handle a narcasist?
2006-08-21 11:54:04 · answer #1 · answered by jessy 3 · 0⤊ 0⤋
I'm a man, but the behavior you are describing is not limited to men. Women do this too. What I have found important is to decide whether the success of the relationship is important enough for you to work hard at changing the behavior. If it is, then you have to accept the person for who she/he is and then commit to a discussion. It will be all YOUR effort so you have to decide this is what is needed. The passive aggressive person will simply ignore your desire to talk about a specific incident or change the subject. You have to be persistent and sensitive, sometimes pushing ahead at the time, others it is best to wait and come at it again.
I've found you need to convince the other person that first of all, talking is good and second the benefits will outweigh the discomfort of the confrontation. It doesn't have to be nasty, but it does have to occur. You will have to do it all and slowly, the other will hang in there with you. It does take time and persistance.
2006-08-21 12:06:06 · answer #2 · answered by ExtraCrispyTrick 1 · 2⤊ 0⤋
I grew up in a situation a lot like your boyfriend and I tend to be the same way, though I'm learning and trying to be open. So no, you're not doing anything to encourage his passive agreessive behavior; it's a learned thing. What he got from his father's behavior is that it's not okay to talk about how you feel and that nobody cares what you say anyway and his friends only reinforce that. So the truth is, he's probably scared to death to talk to you. My husband has always been the same way. So it's taken us ten years just to learn how to talk to each other. lol So as frustrating as it might be for you, the best thing you can do is what you're already doing--show him lots of love and encouragement and openness and whatever you do, try not to do what his friends do to him, don't punish him for opening up to you, as that will only set him back. It may take him a while, but eventually he will learn that you're a safe place to be open and honest.
2006-08-21 12:05:42 · answer #3 · answered by I'm just me 7 · 1⤊ 0⤋
OMG, are you dating my ex-b/f?? I dated a guy just like that; he would just clam up when something was wrong, and stop talking; if we were on the phone at the time - he would stay on the phone but not talk! Now that I think back to it, I can't believe I even considered a long-term future with him. He was very aware of the problem, and said his father was just like that... But he couldn't stop doing it! I don't think there's anything *you* can do to change it - except to accept the way he is, and to learn to "extract" it out of him and initiate dicsussions wisely, without turning it into arguments. Good luck.
2006-08-21 12:00:47 · answer #4 · answered by Anonymous · 1⤊ 0⤋
How much do you love yourself? If you do love you - run!
The verbal abuse and manipulation will only get worse. Don't marry this guy! Put yourself first! Love yourself enough to find someone else!
Good luck!
2006-08-21 12:03:31 · answer #5 · answered by Blond Logic 4 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Just leave it open ended. Tell him you can't read minds and if something is bothering him, he needs to be the one to bring it up. It is not your job to coddle him, and doing so only gets him the attention he probably wants. Its calling growing up and he needs to do it sometime.
2006-08-21 12:19:23 · answer #6 · answered by Marrs G 3 · 2⤊ 0⤋
instead of asking him what is bothering him. ask him about particular situations and maybe you can get a yes or no answer out of him. or just let him know that you can tell something is bothering him and that you're there to listen when he's ready.
2006-08-21 11:58:45 · answer #7 · answered by renee1724 3 · 0⤊ 0⤋
that's just the way he is darlin'. nothing you did to make him that way. my hubby is like that too sometimes. i'll ask him what's wrong and he won't answer, even though i KNOW something is definitely wrong. but i tell him every time, i will ask you what is wrong once and that's it. if you want to talk about it, now's your chance. if not, let it go. and i go on about my business like it never happened. i don't let his crappy mood ruin mine.
2006-08-21 12:22:12 · answer #8 · answered by redpeach_mi 7 · 3⤊ 0⤋
Take a Karate class.He will straighten up real quick.
2006-08-21 12:24:35 · answer #9 · answered by nanny2 4 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Yes you are doing something to encourage this behavior....YOU'RE STILL WITH HIM! Dump the loser.
2006-08-21 12:03:01 · answer #10 · answered by Sassy OLD Broad 7 · 1⤊ 0⤋