Is marriage supposed to be like this??

Question

I have only been married 4 months and so far we have more bad days then good days. I'm talking about arguments. Money is a major problem. She loves spending money and I'm totally fine with saving money. We have a huge debt and this is starting to affect our entire marriage. We argue about every little single thing. I hate to sound like this, but I am the level headed person and I think I'm right most of the time.... So I'm asking for advice from anybody reguarding marriage, money, and argruments. Please help! I need it!

Answer 1

The adjustment period for marriage is difficult. Two individuals who were independant previously, now have to learn to function as a unit. Often this causes a bit of underlying bitterness at first. Each one can no longer do what they want when they want. It gets better as soon as both people learn to get over themselves. As for the money thing I agree that you need to work out a compromise. Set a budget for your houshold that, if possible, leaves her some breathing room for fun stuff so she won't resent you or the marriage. If she is truly running up a debt for you both single-handedly you MUST put your foot down and take control. You are part of this marriage and she does not have a right to bring you down with her. Try to do everything with love and look at things from her perspective as well. You'll be okay.

Answer 2

Sounds like the opposite of my marriage and you the one who is right. That money is badly needed later on in life and any frivolous spending should be avoided unless you are wealthy. We were not wealthy but I worked hard all the time and made decent money so I felt I could buy things and shouldn't be made to feel guilty. I just ended up making her and the kids feel guilty and that was wrong. We are no longer married but very good freinds and I still help her out when she needs it, if I can. But I can't help much because of my wasteful spending habits in the past and now I advise everyone who asks to do the opposite of what I did. I was a drug and alcohol abuser and if I had done something smart like invest the amount of money I spent on that, I would be a wealthy man. I can't stress this enough for young people. The money and the debt were the only things we ever had to fight over so I hope you can convince her to look ahead at the big picture or you will be dealing with this always or until you bail out and leave her on her own. You have got to get a handle on this. Now!

Answer 3

Well I'm not married so I don't know if it would be the best idea to listen to me but here I go anyways. . . My friend has been married a few years now maybe 10 or so and she says there is no such thing as a honeymoon stage and that actually the first year is the hardest year you'll ever have. In the first year you are trying to adjust to living with one another and setting down the basis of what your marriage will be. (my opinion here)>>> If the money is such a big deal maybe you should have your own bank accounts and split common bills [like mortgage payments] the way roommates would. 50/50. . . Give your marriage a chance it's only been 4 months and up to this point you have only had to look out for yourself you have to get used to having a second person to help with decision making. I hope I helped good luck!

Answer 4

Well, you guys could start a mutual account where you put your savings and you each get an "allowance" for spending. Get rid of the credit cards for sure. Please explain that being married doesn't make a person's financial situation more secure and if she wants to be self-destructive then you should not be dragged into it Tell her (nicely) to spend some money on counseling for the two of you. Sometimes it's easier to hear that you're wrong from a third person.
At the same time, don't act like a tightwad and constantly bring up the issue or check prices all the time. Not saying you are, just a precautionary statement.

Answer 5

The single biggest cause of argument in young marriages, $$$$$.
There is a fine line between being frugal and cheap. There is also a fine line between spendthrift and necessary spending. You need to sit down and DISCUSS the finances. Have a plan and write down the numbers. Negotiate the goals. Then work toward them. If you have a savings plan with well defined target goals she will figure out quickly what is affordable.
One thing is for sure, if you come off like a parent your married life will end before your debt. Good Luck.

Answer 6

To be perfectly honest with you, the first year is probably going to be the hardest. Why? Well, you are still in the learning process and what I mean by that is that you have to learn about each other as husband and wife, you eyes will open to things that you may not have noticed before such as habits etc.....remember, we are creatures of habit and for us to conform to something brand new takes time. But, with a lot of love, patience and understanding, you will get through this.

Money is and almost ALWAYS will be a problem. She loves spending money and you like to save. Somewhere, both of you will have to meet in the middle and balance each other out (no pun intended). Money can destroy a marriage if it's not handled properly. I suggest you have a serious talk with your wife and voice all of your concerns and try to come into some middle ground where both parties are content. Not talking about it is what is going to create more arguments and who wants that?

True, you said you think you are right most of the time but no woman wants to hear that their husband is right because it almost sounds belittling therefore, causing more friction in the marriage.

I would suggest you and your wife set a time where you both can have a serious talk. You may want to tell her before the conversation starts that you would like for both of you to come to the table with an "open mind". Both of you should have a notepad ready for you to jot down some notes and list all the pro's and con's and try to come up with a resolve to fix the situation before it gets out of hand.

Maybe you should try going to your bank and speaking with a financial advisor so that they can put a plan into place for you both. What harm can that do?

Once you address the money issues then everything else will fall into place. It doesn't matter whether you are rich or poor, there will always be money problems. It's "how" you choose to handle them.

Best of luck to you both :-)

Answer 7

I would have preferred to answer the question "What will marriage be like?" because most of my advice would have been good for before the event.

Money is one of the big two issues that can destroy a marriage quickly (I'm sure there are more, but these two are at the top of my list)...the other is infidelity.

Your stress over money is a major factor in why you argue over all the little stuff. You will need to compromise quickly or I fear you will be miserable. Unless you are very comfortable and have alot of disposable income, the key word is budget. Make sure all the essentials are taken care of (rent, food, etc.) and if that means moving to make it more affordable, then move.

Then you need to determine what the rest will be for...you should have three piles...his, hers, and yours. "yours" is for common things like Cable TV, trips you both enjoy, dinners, etc. Then she can do whatever she wants with hers....do not judge...and you can do whatever you want with yours (including saving it).

Answer 8

Hey I've been married a couple of times myself and am getting remarried again next May 20. But enough of the self promotion. Ha! When I married last time I remember the minister saying that the 4 most important things (and things argued about the most were) Communication, Money, Sex, Communication. So sounds like you need to sit down and communicate with your new bride about finances. She may not be aware, or think that things are as bad as you paint them. So talk it over and lose some of that ego (regarding being right most of the time) and things should improve. You guys are just getting to know each other so keep an open mind and enjoy your life together. Best of luck.

Answer 9

Does she work? If not, she needs to. Sometimes an extra income coming in lightens the load a little. My sister and her husband went with an accountant to manage their money for them because my sister liked to spend money. She got an allowance for the groceries and her spending money and that was it, she had to make do. You could also take over the bills and checking account, show her after all the bills were paid what was left to spend, if saving money let her know what was going into that account as well (the savings account might be better off set up where both HAVE to sign to remove the money from the account).

Answer 10

You need to have goals and structure your finances toward that goal. Do you want to start a family, buy a house, vacation. The strategy is called participatory management this allows the other person to make a practical decision. Instead of arguing with your spouse, ask them what they think of saving for a home etc. Then show how this could be done on paper. Allow for disposable income and that can be both your allowance. You need to lay off the credit cards. If she disagrees your screwed, but tone is everything and this methods makes your wife seem like she is making the decision to save for the house. Its a verbal contract and if she spends again remind her that you are both trying to get ahead and build a future.