Married and sex life has died away....?

Question

Has anyone been relegated to a life of (if sexual pleasure is desired) masturbation, being tied to a spouse who has either lost interested in sex or lost interested in being married? The only other answer is to cheat, which is not acceptable to me due to my beliefs. Can anyone chime in? Has anyone adopted a mindset or an attitude, or a routine to make this aspect of life more enjoyable?

Additional details - I'm a man, my wife has lost interest in more than sex, she has lost interest in me. So it's a little deeper.
And there are four children involved.
I still love my wife. I'm starting to understand that the writing is clearly on the wall and probably has been for awhile. I'm just a big dummy for cruising along, enjoying family life, and not "getting" what is happening to her and us.

I appreciate all of these answers, mostly they are all good. I have sought counseling three times in our marriage, she has never gone. I have contributed to our current situation, I want to own up to that.
She just wants to have nothing to do with fixing anything. The counselor I'm talking to is trying to help me better myself, regardless of the outcome. I need to get back on my feet and be a better man, to be stronger than I am, and do it without feelings of neglect and rejection.
We have 3 boys and 1 girl, 16, 14, 13, &12 (girl). We have had a pretty happy family life, every day is fun.
Money is her key hangup, IMO.
It is also my opinion that while she has never been viewed by anyone as the "type" of woman who would seek comfort in someone elses arms, I believe that is what has happened. She is a beautiful woman and would have many offers.

Answer 1

This is a short answer, but the one you need to pay attention to:

Get "The Proper Care and Feeding of Husbands," by Dr. Laura Schlessinger. Read it, then give it to your wife and ask her if you only had one favor left to ask before you die, would she please read this book. Offer to take all the kids away, so she can read. If a wife won't read it, she's a selfish beotch and already found some cheap escape route. In that case, at least you can't blame yourself anymore. You're a very very good husband. I can tell by how much thought you put behind marital fidelity. Your wife needs a reality check. GET THE BOOK!!

Answer 2

While pleasuring myself I imagine that it is him touching me how I want to be and saying the things I want to hear. Make believe!

It is not so much that he lost interest in sex, but that I am not comfortable telling him what I want because he gets nervous and laughs. Also, I want it a lot more than he does.

Anyway, what are the contributing factors to why he is not interested. My man's excuse is always that he is tired, which I understand because he works hard and works a lot of hours (by choice which aggravates me). But I just start innocently massaging his back, shoulders, temples, feet, calves and accidentally brush against him a couple times while "relaxing" him and this usually gets the end result I want.

Best wishes.

Answer 3

You should maybe discuss with her that you love her and the children very much, but you have needs and you dont want to force her to fulfill these needs. Tell her you want the freedom to find your pleasure with other women with a promise that you will never fall in love with anyone else because you are in love with her. I she wants to have sex with you but has lost interest maybe counciling would help. I am in similar situation but I would do whatever i wanted but i will never leave my husband. I am happy where i am at. It is very common for the sexual attraction for the same person to fade over time. If you cannot stand it at all and there are no metting in the middles then you may be happier leaving.

Answer 4

My friend is in a similar situation...His wife of 30 odd years has never really been very sexual. Since the birth of their 3rd child all intimacy stopped.....He learned to live with it because he thought it was normal for marriages to end up like that (he was married when he was 19 and she was 16)....so neither of them had any life experiences. He ended up having an affair and realised this was not normal....that women still do have sexual urges, no matter how old they get. It changed his whole opinion of his marriage. He was really happy for the first time in his life....he now wants to leave her to spend the rest of his life being happy and not trapped in a marriage he doesnt want to be in.

There are no easy answers....If the intimacy in your marriage is important to you, then you need to decide what you want to do. Maybe you need to talk to your wife and tell her how this is affecting you. You either have to accept this kind of life or else leave and find what you are really looking for. Sex isnt everything in a marriage/relationship, but lack of it is one of the major reasons why marriages break up, so I would consider it a pretty important part of any relationship. Why not try counselling, it works in a lot of cases. She was a sexual being once, she could be again, with the right kind of help. It all lies with what you want to do....Talk to your wife, ask her would she go to counselling with you because it sounds like you love your wife.....does she still love you? These things need to be talked about openly and honestly. From what you said about her losing interest in sex or in being married tells me you havent really had an open honest discussion with her about it because you are unsure whether it is the sex she has lost interest in or the marriage. Talk to her, maybe you will be surprised at her response.

Answer 5

What may help is to go back to what brought you together. Ask each other what made you fall in love. Cheating is not the answer. Open, honest communication is the place to start. Perhaps there is something she is going through (emotionally, hormonally, mentally) that gives her the feeling of disinterest. Check medications and their side effects; that is if she is on meds. Try counselling with a counseller that shares your belief system. While in counselling be willing to be honest and lay everything out on the table. Be willing to be vulnerable. God did not give us a perfect garden, but he did give us garden tools. I wish you two the best.

Answer 6

I am one of these people you are talking about - used to be a sex fiend, now it's usually the farthest thing from my mind. I won't use both of us working different hours, having different sleep schedules or having a kid as excuses. I believe the reason, for me, is that I don't feel he's doing anything to make me WANT to have sex. Telling me he's going to "take me" when he gets home from work and then feebly trying to arouse me when he gets home, doesn't do it. I remember when kissing didn't always lead to sex. I also remember our last night out together (besides our weekly vball) was over six months ago.
I miss finding him desirable, especially since it always is the best sex I've had in my life.
Good Luck, I hope for all of us out there in this situation

Answer 7

It is so sad! When you get married you think you are building up to something that will lead to happily ever. People get caught up in the fairytale and wedding aspect of it all. They don't really get to know the person. Cause they get so caught up.
It is also hard when children are involved but it doesnt work to stay with somebody just for the sake of the kids.
If your wive is not interested anymore than you need to cut all ties. You could seek help if you really want to see if things will work but I doubt it.
If she is not willing then you need to end it.

Answer 8

Leave the woman, she has probably cheated on you many times, apparantely you can't satisfy her....so she goes elsewhere, don't feel to bad though because more 97% of married woman cheat on their man....and the excuse is always the same (I'm confused) women love to rip a mans heart out and they think its funny ha ha, good luck...you may be better off with a man, not that I,m gay or anything.

Answer 9

You know, this is why I refuse to get married. Marriage is supposed to be a partnership, where he has my back and I've got his back. Where it's me and him against the world.

You hear of this sort of thing all the time. The disinterested spouse HAS to know that his/her attitude is killing the relationship and making them both miserable. So why are they doing it? At the same time, the denied spouse can become irritable and pressuring... and no wonder... but it pushes the disinterested one farther away. What a mess!

I recommend counseling. If he or she won't go, go by yourself. It will still help. I feel your pain, bub. Sorry.

Answer 10

The thing is in this situation, you have to confront the problems of your spouse before you confront your own. Why is it, do you think, that he/she is un-interested in sex? Is it because you're not a good lover? Is it because you're no longer connecting on an emotional level? Does he/she feel insecure about your role in this marriage or theirs?

Have you talked to your spouse about it all? Open the lines of communication between yourself and your spouse and get it out in the open. Only then will you be able to answer all these questions.