How do you get a man to take interest in the goals of his wife as well as himself?

Question

I hear all the time about the wants and needs of my fiance. He wants this particular car, he wants this particular job, he wants to build a particular house and have his mother eventually live in the extra bedroom. I know exactly what he likes to eat...and how he likes to spend his days....and what he wants to do on the weekends..

How in the world do I get him to start asking and listening to what I need and want in this world?

Answer 1

In order to do this you two need to sit down and come up with a general life plan. Put down each of your goals and desires on paper and then come up with a hierarchy order in which you hope to accomplish these things. Put down any steps that are needed in order for you to accomplish each item. Then last add a general time line. Remember, this is a very general thing so don't live your lives around it or try to make everything happen exactly as it is laid out. However use it as a reference now and then to remind yourselves of where your going in life together.

Answer 2

Take a look at his parent's relationship if you can and see if his dad is the same self-focused type of person.

In my experience people don't change unless they want to and to want to they have to see a problem in the first place. If his dad is the same he thinks that this is the way things are.

If you aren't married yet, I would suggest that you hold off until this is sorted out. If you are feeling unheard and unconsidered NOW it will not get any better with marriage.

I know that you probably wanted an answer that would solve the problem as you see it and I am sorry that I could not provide that. Good luck with this.

Answer 3

You need to gain more control of the situation other wise it is only going to get worse. Speak up, tell him what you want. Ask him why he doesn't care what your opinon is on things? It is your life that he is talking about. It should be 50/50. Just start asking him why he doesn't care. If he continues then he is not marriage material. It sounds like he just wants you there to take care of him and do whatever he needs. It should be the opposite. What if his mom is not nice to you? Who does he think he is marrying, his mom or you??

Answer 4

You don't, its obviously not who he is. He is apparently a self centered person who doesn't really give a crap about anybody but himself and his mother (?). You can't change someones basic character and thats what this is. The question is why on earth are you considering marrying someone like this? Dont think you can fix him or change him, you can't. He is who he is and if you want to be with someone who cares about your dreams and goals and likes and dislikes that needs to be a different guy. You are nuts if you marry him, forever is a LONG time to spend with someone that couldn't care less what YOU want out of life. Sounds to me like he considers you not much more than a puppy that he takes along for a ride in HIS life. That won't make for much of a partnership will it? This is one of those HUGE warning signs and yours is one of those relationships where 5 years from now you will still have the same issues and end up in divorce court wondering what went wrong. You know now so be smart about this. You are wise enough to see the problem, now be wise enough to see the solution. And do you really want to live with his mother? Here are some more marriage things to think about....

Consider marriage when you have been together long enough to be out of the infatuation stage, which you appear to be because you are seeing his flaws now and you don't like them much. When you have discussed ALL the issues involved in life after the wedding like finances, division of household labor, children, in laws, where to live, jobs, time away with friends, and a million other things you haven't thought of and both of your opinions need to be considered in these decisions. After all of that you consider each part of the vows, and what you consider is the difficult side of them, anybody can be happy when things are going well so,

richer or poorer....still want to be with them in a shack with crackers ala peanut butter for dinner...for the fourth night in a row?

sickness and health...they develop a chronic physical or mental illness and can't get around and can't work, still want to be there?

better or worse...they are in a car accident and you have to spend the rest of your life feeding them and changing their diapers, still want to be married?

keep yourself only to him or her, can you REALLY only have sex with only that person until you die?

THIS is what marriage is, not a fairy tale where everything goes well everyday, the one guarantee you have is that things WILL go wrong.

If you think you are up for all of this then maybe you should think about it. Don't forget to consider whether they would stick by you if it was you in any or all of the above scenarios. Check out the question posted here by married people and keep in mind that all of them thought this was the thing to do and the ONE for them when they got married too! There is a book called Lies At The Altar by Dr. Robin Smith, it helps you answer all this and go in to a marriage with your eyes wide open, if you aren't willing to consider all that then what you really want is a pretty ring and a nice party and lots of attention, have them but don't make that a basis for a LIFE. Good luck!

Answer 5

You need to tell him how you feel... Sit him down and just tell him. Does he not hear you at all? If all he can see and hear is himself, and your perceptions of reality are so dramatically different, it might be wise to reconsider the marriage before it's too late. He may be open to change after you point out what, in your perception, he's doing wrong.

Answer 6

He doesn't sound very considerate. He should be asking you these question. (It could be that he's telling you what he wants in order to get you to tell what you want, but ...)

So, start telling these things and see how he reacts. If he doesn't take you seriously, then you know what to do -- move on.

Answer 7

Don't marry him! He wants his mother to move in? Run girl RUN!

Answer 8

when you find out let me know. I love my hubby, but what I want doesnt seem to be as important to him.

Answer 9

say to him, "baby it's time that you get to KNOW me for a minute so shut up and let me talk!!!"

Answer 10

... why did you marry him?