My mother refuses to see a doctor....?

Question

For the past two years, I have been worried about my mothers health. Two years ago she lost her mother to heart disease. Ever since, my mother has not been taking good care of herself. Eats more unhealthy foods, never exercises, does not sleep very much (about4-5 hours a night), been really moody, drinks a lot of coffee and has been having leg pains for over a year now. She complains that her legs hurt and her feet get swollen almost every day. The swelling seems to never go away and she walks with a limp. I try to go and see her everyday to make sure she eats healthy foods, to take her for a walk and let her rest. But, seeing her everyday is something I unable to do with my job, 3 children and a house of my own to maintain. I have also tried so many times to take her to see a doctor and have her checked. Every time she refuses and becomes angry with me.

What would cause the swelling and pain? What else can I do to help her?

When I do talk to her about her health, I always let her know that I love and care about her very much. I also tell her that her grandchildren need her and would love to have her around. She is 53 and is being stubborn about her health.

We do talk a lot. We talk about how she is doing, we talk about my grandmother, my children, just about everything, except her health.

Answer 1

I am your mothers age and we are so use to always taking care of others, when it comes to ourselves we do not know how or want people to think we will be of no use anymore. The swelling can be from so many things, not exercising could be one. Also a heart condition could cause that. Do some research on the Internet about the symptoms and then one day bring over what you found and tell her how much you love her and want her around for a long time. Your mom might then go to the doctors. Do not tell her what to do, just keep reassuring your love for her and that you still need her.

Answer 2

I hate to tell you this, but the leg pains and swelling feet are signs of circulatory problems - probably (given her general health and family history) the result of heart disease and possibly diabetes. In addition, it sounds to me like your mother is clinically depressed. The sudden slide into not taking care of herself, combined with the timing, suggests that she's stuck grieving her mother's death and can't break loose.

What if you used a bit of an angle? There aren't a lot of women I know who aren't looking to lose a few pounds and get into better shape. Ask her for help doing that - point out that when people have an exercise partner, they're more likely to stick with an exercise program. Then make a date to get together, exercise, and have a healthy meal together, just the two of you, on certain days of every week. Play up the fact that it's mother-daughter time, and you want to enjoy her company and share the benefits of your better health.

At this point, all you can do is hope that you can get through to her. She's an adult and she's mentally competent, so she has the right to do stupid things where her health is concerned. But if you can get her to join you in exercising - or really, doing anything else that will let you talk to her in a non-threatening setting - that will improve your odds of talking sense into her about seeing a doctor.

Answer 3

I have a father just like that. You can't make your mother go to a doctor. You have done your part as a concerned daughter and now the rest is up to her. The sad part about going to the doctor is that they usually find something wrong and if that something is major, well that is just plain scary. My father told me later, after finally going to the doctor, that he didn't want to be a burden and was scared to learn the truth. He too has complications with his heart and had to have a pace maker and a triple bypass surgery. Along with that he has diabetes, rheumatoid arthritis, and high blood pressure. My father finally went to the doctor when I quit asking him to go and well he couldn't take it anymore. That may be what it takes for your mom. Reverse psychology can work wonders. Hint, hint.

Some of the things that may be causing her swelling in the foot can either be a form of arthritis, gout (especially if she eats unhealthy), or simply poor circulation.

Be patient and she will come around.

Answer 4

Sorry your mother is being stubborn. My father was the same way. He was a diabetic and just passed away in March. There has to be a reason for her not wanting to go...maybe something much deeper. Reassure her that you'll be there when she goes to the Dr's. appt. And let her know that pain and swelling in her legs isn't normal. It sounds like she may have high blood pressure and that needs to be taken care of immediately.

If you can't make it to a doctor's appt. with her, maybe there's someone else she trusts to go with her. She may be afraid to hear what the Dr. says, but it's better knowing that she can do something now instead of waiting later and later and making things worse.

Answer 5

Your mom is old enough to know when she needs to go to the doctor after all she did raise you. She can't stop you from worring about her because that's your stuff. Not going to the doctor is her stuff. When she needs to go she'll make that decision you or no one else can do that for her. Maybe this sounds a bit brass but you are the daughter and she is the mother. Your children don't tell you what to do now and I doubt they will in the future. You can only suggest what you think and the rest is up to mom.

Answer 6

I'm in the same exact situation. My mom has congestive heart failure because she wasn't taking care of herself and she waited too long to go to the doctor. Her legs were swelling up because of all of the fluid in them. She had shortness of breath and she barely could get around. As soon as she went to the doctor she had to go straight to the emergency room. I thought she was going to die. Now, she takes all types of medication..she's better now. I think she should really go to the doctor now..and not let it go any further.

You have to try some tough love with her. Just tell her like it is. Just ask her..do she wanna be around to play with her grandkids or stay unhealthy and possibly die. Believe me..i understand..my mom is stubborn..and at times she's cut us off completely cause we were so concerned about her health

Answer 7

I am in a similar situation, but you have to decide if you want to push the issue to a legal end, or just give up. I for example have always known that this is how it would be, and I very quietly watched my dad die without offering or forcing them to take medical help. You can do that, or you can follow the other posters advice and contact a mental healthy professional and have yourself or someone else given conservatorship of your mother.

Answer 8

it sounds like she is suffering from depression and probably has been for years and the death of her mother just made it worse. i don't know what you can do other than what you already are, you can't make her go see a doc or eat healthy or excersize...its her body and her right to do whatever she wants that doesn't make it right though for herself or for her loved ones...how about a little tough love? tell her she needs to quit complaining about her aches and pains if she isn't going to do anything about them. she's being extremely selfish since you also have your own responsibilites and doing whatever you can to help here...what about your siblings can then help you help her? good luck, its a nearly impossible situation unless your mother decides she is worth it and you all are too.

Answer 9

I know this may seen harsh, but try it...."Ignore" her gripes about the pain and swelling, start talking about her "death", stop coming by so often, if she asks why simply reply, "Well since you dont care about your health, I am simply starting to live life like your not here, so that it wont be so hard WHEN YOUR REALLY NOT HERE!!

That should shake her back to reality, ask her what type of dress would she like to be buried in, start working on the obituary ....SHOCK HER INTO SEEING WHAT CAN HAPPEN!!!

Answer 10

We have had a similar problem.Just keep on ,and keep the pressure up.She will give in eventually,but you must make an appointment to see a doctor, and go with her.Take charge of the situation and give her the excuse to say "I'm only here because of my daughter".Then,hopefully,the doctor will take an interest and get her listening.