It's been 3 mths now that I've found out he had slept with another woman b4 he met me (2 yrs b4). My husband was my 1st & we've been together 18 yrs (13 yrs married). He had kept this secret because he said he didn't want 2 see me get hurt. Now that I know, it really hurts & I can't stop thinking about it. I've been asking him many ?s about the past and so far, he has been very cooperative, understanding, & very patient. He said he told me everything & they are the truth. His experience with her was not meaningful & ours were. Is this normal from someone like me? I mean, to feel like this, that is, it's very bothersome to find out a spouse's secret after all these yrs. I couldn't pass a day w/out asking him a ? or 2 about his past. Why is it that I can't get over it yet? Which is it that hurts the most? That he'd slept w/ another woman b4 or just finding out recently about his past after all these yrs? I just felt like I didn't know him for the last 18 yrs.
2006-08-21 06:57:41 · 10 answers · asked by no clue 2 in Family & Relationships ➔ Marriage & Divorce
THanks to all who have responded. I realize that it is the past and it's before my time. Our marriage has been very well and he is the most wonderful man; I know he loves me dearly and he has told me that many times. It's just that maybe I'm just mourning a loss that I never knew before. All I need is just really the time so I can get pass this hurt but for how much longer? I have learned to forgive him for not telling me sooner but I just have not learned to forget his past. And I probably do need counseling. If this gets any longer, it may put a strain in our marriage.
2006-08-21 07:16:30 · update #1
His past is his past....not yours. If he chose to share it with you is fine. The big question is how is he with you. Is he faithful? Is he a good husband?...a good father? If you have all of these things in the pluse column then why are you spittin' in the wind? It sounds a lot like you're pole vaulting over mouse poop!
Two years before he met you is another lifetime ago. If you are a christian then be a christian and practice the act of forgivness and forgive him of his sin to god...not to you. He did nothing to you.
If you persist in this charade then you will surely poison your marriage and possibly lose him.
If you need help talk to a holy guy, counseler, girlfirend. It sounds like you have a husband that 99% of the women in the world would like to have and you're upset about a dallance that happened 2 years before you existed.
Remember he is HUMAN. And in being human is subject to all of the temptations that pass a young SINGLE man in life. He probably grew from it and it gave hiim perspective to fully appreciate you and be the good husband you are fortunate to have.
Remember what Samuel Johnson said, "The more I come to know mankind the lees I expect of him...and able to call a man a good man on lesser terms than I was formally".
Good luck
2006-08-21 07:16:56 · answer #1 · answered by hoyhoydc 3 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Honey, it was before he met you. Every single person has a past. In this day and age it really is unrealistic to expect a person to be a virgin on their wedding night. He hasn't slept with another person since you, and chances are, he very much means it that it wasn't meaningful with her. Yes, maybe he should have told you, but I do think you're overreacting a little. I mean, he didn't know he was going to meet you. Nobody knows that stuff. You can't hold against him something that happened BEFORE he even knew you. It's not fair. And honestly, if he knew you'd react this way, then I find it very understandable that he'd keep it from you. You're judging him based on something that happened before he even had you in his life, something completely meaningless and if he could take it back he probably would but he can't. It's the past and you're holding it against him. But you mean the world to him and he'd be lost without you.
How do you get over it? Trust very often is a decision. Sit down and think about what he's told you and try to see it from his point of view why he didn't tell you to begin with. It's not a judge of his feelings for you, honey, and yes, technically a lie by ommission is still a lie.
But ask yourself this: even had you known back then, would it have changed your feelings for him? Would you have loved him any less just becuase you weren't his first? That's what important...the love you share. The past is the past. Leave it dead and buried and love him for him who he is now.
2006-08-21 14:14:12 · answer #2 · answered by I'm just me 7 · 0⤊ 0⤋
i think the fact that he is being patient and cooperative and seeming to to what he can to help you through this says a lot about him...he is trying to make his mistake of not telling you better, so i say he's quite a catch...yes, maybe he slept with someone else, but obviously you mean a lot to him (he stayed with you and still is with you) so i would just remember the good man you have been with for the past 18 years.....you will get over his mistake, which was not telling you...his sleeping with someone else before he ever even met you is not a mistake, it was who he was at that point in time...the man he has been since he met you is the man you love, so just remember that
2006-08-21 14:08:20 · answer #3 · answered by pineappleclock2002 3 · 0⤊ 0⤋
I don't even know where to begin... People go out and sleep with other people, that's life! You have to take control of your feelings, and accept life as it is, not long for it to become how *you* wish it to be. I can't blame your husband for concealing this information from you - you have an irrational view about this particular subject, and he simply wanted to protect you from needless worry. That he slept with someone *before* he met you is in no way a reflection on his feelings about you. (I, personally, would consider it a compliment that someone might have had experience with several other people, but still chose me in the end.) You have to correct your dysfunctional thinking before it consumes you; it's not healthy to dwell on the irrelevant past when you can be enjoying a relevant present.
2006-08-21 14:18:51 · answer #4 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋
If he has not done anything to hurt you in the years you two have been together..I say ..You Are A Lucky Woman. He was only trying to protect you from that secret..It was before yall met,and HE LOVES YOU. I guess if it is really hurting you..maybe you should try some counseling for yourself. It doesnt sound like he intended to hurt you...So,if you love him...Forgive Him. It Was Before He Met You.....Good Luck and Take Care!
2006-08-21 14:09:02 · answer #5 · answered by mrssmokestack003 2 · 0⤊ 0⤋
How is your marriage at the moment? if it is going well then let the past go. If you are not happy then leave him, but to go on and on asking your husband to bring up the past there is something wrong with you. obviously what happened in the past is not bothering him or he would have been with the other woman and not with you.
2006-08-21 14:11:21 · answer #6 · answered by Scotty 1 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Let the past go. Why are you so hung up on it? If it really hurts let him go and find you someone else.
2006-08-21 14:04:51 · answer #7 · answered by winnp1 3 · 0⤊ 0⤋
You've been married for 13 years and this is causing this much turmoil? Please. Get over it. It happened 20 years ago! I think you are looking for a problem where one shouldn't be.
2006-08-21 14:05:14 · answer #8 · answered by chattykatty 3 · 0⤊ 0⤋
why are you stressing?? this happened before you came into the picture- if you keep thinking like this it could ruin your marriage- is that what you want?let it go
2006-08-21 14:06:21 · answer #9 · answered by gabby 5 · 0⤊ 0⤋
I really wouldn't dwell on it. Be thankful he wasn't sleeping with someone while he was with you. Now thats something to ***** about.
2006-08-21 14:05:53 · answer #10 · answered by Mel7382 2 · 0⤊ 0⤋