Marriage problems?

Question

My husband and I have been together for ten years and married for five. We have had many problems over the years and things just won't get better no matter what we do. We have talked about divorce more than a few times. We don't get along most days and it's always over the smallest things because we just can't agree on anything. Everything added up has caused trouble with our love making. I can't get in the mood because of all the stress of our marriage which has caused even more problems that I can't deal with what can I do?

Answer 1

Here's a good word to keep in mind that is ESSENTIAL for a good marriage......

COMPROMISE.

Answer 2

Before I'd suggest divorce I would first suggest some marriage counseling for you knows maybe there are issues that were you taught to handle better would lessen the friction,thereby the stress and so on. At least you'll be doing something positive together and even if the marriage doesn't improve it won't be wasted for can always learn a lesson-at the very least or most important you'll know you tried all before the agreed decision was made(counseling can help with that too) that its best you two not be together-why waste more years 10 is sufficient.You both deserve a better life. Sometimes people just weren't made to be together and accepting that is sometimes the most loving thing you can do for each other. Whatever the outcome wish you both a long,happy life.

Answer 3

well if you argue all the time and can't agree on anything it causes stress and who could feel like having sex with the things that are being said and done during the day.. Unless you try counciling or some other area where you can agree on some things i don't really see the reason to stay married. I have always believed if you can't be happy. and sex has nothing to do with it.you shouldn't be together.
If sex were the only thing you wanted out of your marriage and it was really really good then it would be worth putting up with the rest of the crap.. but you don't even have the good sex anymore it has been affected too.. so think about a divorce after all the rest of the stuff have been tried. you both deserve to be happy and if you can't be together be happy with someone else. if that is what you want..but get the divorce first before being happy with someone else.

Answer 4

If you buy a really fine car, put a good initial investment into it, you take care of it. If you see it needs new tires you get them, if do routine maintance on it it will last forever. You treat it well and it will take you wherever you want to go safely. Some people get into "the trade in new" every year or two. My thoughts then, are why not just lease. Same with marriage. If your spouce was fine enough for the initial investment, then maintance is in order. Egnoring the clunk does not make it get better. Taking it to a responsible mechanic is worth the time. Same with marriage. Divorce is so easy now a days, next time just live with the guy, so you don't have to take care of him. No committments, no problems. Have two refrigs, two phones, don't share anything. So much easier. Orrrrrrr talk to each other, if necessary, back to back. Use the word "I" not "you" If one is having a problem with another, that is where the problem is, not the other. If he doesn't pick up his clothes to get washed, he has no clean clothes. If he won't clean up after he eats, leave it, don't get mad, you are not his mother. If he spends money irresponsibly, then set up an account for that purpose. If he doesn't pay enough attention to you, why are you needing that? Get a hobby. It is interesting it ruins your sex life. How can you have sex with someone you don't like? So get help, or get out. But don't boo hoo if you do and don't go looking for "love" elsewhere. You aren't ready for it.

Answer 5

How many years do you need to see that a relation is broken?
Divorce is never the first choice to solve problems, moreover if you do have children, I do not think it is your problem since you mention that you spent several years already with problems that are not getting any better.
Trying to get external help might be from help if you both still want to go ahead with the marriage and work hard to solve differences.
Otherwise, just think it over. You might have arrived to an end point.
Making love without feeling love is not easy. If you feel angry, sad or disappointed, it is difficult to forget it all and have sex as nothing would have happened. Some people on the contrary stay together because they have great sex disregarding the complete disaster from their relation.
That's why nobody can help you further than giving some suggestions. We all are different and react in other way in front of similar situations.
Try to be honest with yourself and feel if you still would like to go further in your relation.
Sincerely, Fro

Answer 6

You state you can't get in the mood because of all the stress. Back off that answer, and take a long look at yourself. It is not because of the stress! Don't try to analize your own problems, leave that to the pro's. When hate is built up inside you, you tend to look for anything to justify fighting, like "give me a reason" so I can feel good about letting you have it! Things don't get better no matter what you do, is kind of the answer. Its what you are not doing that is causing the problems. In order to make it work, you and him must totally wipe the slate clean, forget the past because its water under the bridge and you can't do anything about it anyway, and start new as if it is the first date you have ever had together. Funny how everyone else can see the problem except the one it is happening to! By not being in the mood at all, and blaming it on the stress is a cop out! What man would want to be married to any woman that was never in the mood? In a marriage, in order for it to last, you must do what it takes to keep each other happy, and that sometimes means having sex even when you don't feel like it. You see, if you truly love someone you will do what it takes to keep them and yourself happy. If there is never any sex in a marriage, that is like telling him you either hate him or your are fooling around. You wouldn't be using sex to get things your way, would you? Realize one thing; IF you don't have sex with your husband, just how long does it go on that way before other women start to looking like his only option? If you both can truly let go of the past, put some fire back in the bedroom, and stop looking for reasons to blame each other, then you will slowly fall back in love, and your relationship will again prosper. I think I might qualify to give you this advise, since my wife and I have been married for 32 years. We have been there and done that! Good Luck!

Answer 7

There are things you can control and things you cannot control. If you focus too heavily on those things you cannot control, it can lead to an overwhelming amount of frustration and anxiety.

Choose instead to focus your thoughts and efforts on those things upon which you can have a positive influence. There are plenty of those things, and by giving your energy to them you can quickly and significantly improve the quality of your life.

Stop worrying so much about what others are doing wrong. Instead, put your time and effort into discovering what you can do right, what you can do well, and in using your unique abilities to create excellence.

Whenever you feel yourself getting anxious or frustrated by something that's beyond your control, stop and take a fresh look around. There's something you can do, right then and there, that will make a positive difference in the world.

The more you make use of the positive power that you have, the stronger that power will grow. There is always something you can do, and it always beats complaining or worrying about those things you cannot do.

Do what you can, when you can, where you are, with what you have. You'll find that it can make an enormous difference.

Answer 8

Sounds like it time to quit. I do not like divorce. People use it as an easy out most of the time. Honey, it seem both of you are miserable. You can't get in the "mood" because your feelings have change toward your husband. It would be just sex, even if you felt like it. What's holding you together? Is it because you don't want to be the first one to say it's over? Can't you see both of you deserves to be happy! You aren't, and I can't imagine he's real thrilled either. So, why not call it quits, so both of you can find someone that you can't wait to talk to, see, or be with.
Remember that thing! Sometimes, people just grown apart, it's nothing that you can point your finger at, and no one is to blame.
Since, I have grown older, and I see how miserable people are in their marriages....divorce doesn't seem so bad.....Life is hard enough without being loved by someone who loves you just much as you love them.

So, think about what I said, it's hard, I know, But would it be any harder than what you are living like now. Maybe you both can find that the right person, but you can't look now, because you both are spinning your wheels trying to make something out of a marriage both of you aren't interested in.
Please take care of yourself, and I wish I had the magic words to make everything Ok. but honey, there is none, but everyone deserves to be loved......by someone you love....

God bless us all.............

Answer 9

You both came into your marriage with expectations...only you didn't discuss them. Actually, you didn't really know what they were.
We are all products of our childhood, and that's where we develop our life expectations.
You're both in the disillusionment stage of a marriage. This can be a spiral staircase to divorce, or it can be a pole vault to true happiness & love.
Therapists help you recall your childhood issues, good & bad.
This helps you to understand your own expectations & share them with each other.
Amazingly enough, you probably share many more expectations than you realize.
There are people who have deep dark secrets that make a continued marriage impossible (like homosexuality), but for most it's small stupid stuff. (easy to fix)

Caution:
Therapy is not a pill or a magic word that makes everything OK.
Clarity about your relationship takes about 3 months, and your direction will come around 6 months. After that, the real work begins.

Answer 10

Money, kids, sex...not in that order but that is what married couples fight about the most. Men do not understand that we cannot just perfom and women do not understand that men can get hard regardless of the situation at hand. With that being said, have you tried marriage counseling? There is a book by Gary Chapman called The 5 love languages. I think every married couple should have to read that book. It helped my marriage and 23 years later, I think I can still go back and read and learn something new every time. hang in there.

Answer 11

If I was you I'd sit down with my partner and talk about it and don't try to settle it in one day. You both need listen about what the other has to say and think about it for while,not just for that day. Don't try to get this talked out and thought out in a day. This is a major time in your life. Your on the right track if your already talking. My wife of 30 years never said a thing and ran off with a younger guy. My life has been a living hell now for two years and I plan on ending it when my 14 year old son I'm raising is of age. With this last statement I have made about myself I do hope you can see it is a big impact on the other person and yourself. As for kids, My oldest son won't have anything to do with her and tells his children their grandmother is dead . Our daughter is have trouble dealing with it and is going to counselling and I haven't talk to my now 17 and 19 year old boys in two years. This is what divorce does. Counseling could help also. Think about it divorce will probably hurt one of you more than the other and if you have kids, It will tear their life apart and they will carry that in their heads till the day they die. I wish you the very best and pray that all works out for you. Johnnie Z.