Me and my bf have a dilemma. Can you help?

Question

I know I shouldn't be asking this in polls & surveys, but you tend to get more answers this way...

My bf's mum dies not long ago, and at the time, we were "house hunting" - looking to move in together.
Now he has been left to care for his elderly father, as his brother lives away from home already. He does all the cooking, cleaning etc... and I know it is really hard on him, but the main problem is...:
I am living in a rented house, but we want to move in together so we can start a family. We are both desperate for that, but..
1) My bf can't leave his father on his own without any help, as he is very forgetful etc...
2) We can't start a family while living apart due to rumours in this very small town.
3) If we bought a house together, he would still have to go and make dinner, put his dad to bed every day
4) I can't move in with him and his dad, as I already have a son from a previous relationship, and it would be too much stress for his dad.

Can any1 suggest anything?

Answer 1

Try if you can hire someone known to you and your family. You say you live in a small town. Small towns are bound to have people who value family ties and believe more in the traditions that we have been taught and are following. These values and traditions are priceless. The inter-people relations in small towns are excellent. People respect each other in many ways than one. I am happy to find out people are there caring of our parents and parents-in-law! God bless. Another suggestion coming to my mind is to have someone from your place to help you out. It could be a small girl or someone needing help and support from a nice and caring family like yours. Good luck!

Answer 2

It is a very balanced relationship: you have your son, he has his father.
I do not see a reason why you can't move with your boyfriend and his father, since a child is most of the times a blessing for an old person. In the case that he is dementing, then he would be always irritable, no matter who is in the house.
Of course, you might not want to share the same place with an old and sick person. It is not a funny or nice experience, but at the end, it will give so much more than it takes. Your boyfriend will be grateful to share his nightmare with the woman he loves, your son even very uncomfortable at the beginning will also learn that life starts and ends, not always with happiness but not always with sorrow.
Cooking, cleaning and other household can be shared, and if you still want also the care for his father. Your future husband has to go to work, or he doesn't?
If he does, what a heavy load for him. If he doesn't, then that is a chance to know him much better. Is not good to stay at home and become a father's health care as everything that exists in life. He will die one day, and after...what is your boyfriend going to do with his life?
If I would be you, I would talk to your boyfriend, let things clear, and just forget about the neighbourghs and their rumors. If things go wrong, rumors never have a face or give help to anybody.
Be careful about the reaction of your son, depending his age. Under my point of view, he is the one who has much more to loose in this situation and of course you.
Hold on, and do not give up with the tyranny of the old people. He can be very grateful to not end up in a retirement home if able to understand. On the other hand, loosing his wife a short time ago will not make things easier: it is understandable that he will be very sad; most of the men express their sadness as anger. Just see and set limits to not end up squeezed as a dry lemon - old people demands a lot of attention and energy - and take good care of your son's reactions. That is your main responsibility: taking good care of your son, regardless how much in love you might be.
Everybody must give up a little bit in order to keep some harmony.
I really hope this idea might be helpful for you.
Sincerely, Fro

Answer 3

I think you guys need to marry first. Then, look for a place very close to his dad's and move in. If that is not possible, hire someone to take care of him. If that is not possible either, then move to another house and have your BF- Husband going to your dad's every day (might be tiring for him, but maybe he will want to). I know it may be hard but.. despite the rumours. People tend to judge all the time. You are in a very special situation and I don't think that starting a family in different homes (which is a temporary situation) is a sin or something to be ashamed of. If people are so stupid they will judge you for that they don't deserve your attention. Have a sincere talk with your BF and decide what is the best thing for you guys to do. And remember, nothing is forever. This time will pass eventually and you will be able to move together. What you need is a solution for now. Best of luck.

Answer 4

You have a tough choice ahead of you. The question you have to ask yourself is how strong is the love that you share? From the way it sound your love is very strong. There is going to be some sacrifices here for both of you. Can the two of you buy a house close to his Dad's place? I wouldn't worry about the rumors that fly around, people gossip all the time, you can't stop it no matter what you do. My suggestion would be for the two of you to buy a house together that is close to his Father's place. That way he could be there quickly if his father needs help, and be home sooner to you when he is done. Take care, I hope this helps.

Answer 5

hmm all these reasons not to do it, sounds a little like bf has cold feet. Let's face it, there are ways to have food prepared for the elderly that are not cost prohibitive and allow families to be families without all the negative associated with care giving. I know everyone says they want to take care of their elderly relatives, but the fact of the matter is, it is probably too much of a burden on most people. I would suggest that your bf make a decision, is he going to hold on to dear old dad whilst he withers? Or is he going to live his life? If it's a matter of money, have daddy get a reverse mortgage and pay for some assistance. Contact your local branch of Social Security (or comparable department in other countries) and let them know that the father needs help. They will assist in finding someone and assist in paying for it.

Answer 6

i would first go for an aid or nurse help take care of him when you bf cant be there, and second, find a house near his fathers so even if the aid doesnt work out youll still be close enough to help take care of him but still have your own life and family. and there is always the option of putting him in a old folks home, although when your buying a house and starting a family its will be a bit stressful for your check book

Answer 7

i think it is your boyfriend that has to come to a solution with it. and it will have to involve his brother, or other members of the family. if he wants to have a life with you, he has to take a stand.
number 2 and 3 should be the last worries u need to have.
Rumours ought to be crushed by your will of being or making a life together. ignore what other people might think, or you will always feel miserable by insignificant things
about number 3, maybe that's a responsibility he will have to endure, to look after his father despite you 2 living together. if that is so, will you be able to support him and understand him?

When you decide to be with someone, it's not only about the person. it also involves his life. But you can be the one making him take a stand and having strength.
if he cant get other members of the family, or his brother to do something, he should get angry and react. but never quitting of moving in with you. and together things become easier.
the hard moments will only make peaceful moments more precious
goodluck
PS: but also remember you are not just someone to fit in his life. he has to be able to adjust to you also. never lose the scope of that.

Answer 8

Wait. It's a painful/stressful option but when caring for an elderly parent you dont have may choices. My wife and I had to wait recently.

In January 2006 we were ready to move ahead with the use of donor eggs to have a baby. One month later we learned that her mom was terminal and only had several months to live.

We're both 40, so waiting to have a child is an agonizing proposition...but we didnt have a choice. The stresses around caring for a terminally ill relative would have made a pregnancy worse.

So we had to wait...it was tough, but we got through it and (sadly) while Mom passed away a few weeks ago, we are ready to move ahead with plans for our own family.

So I suggest you wait. I notice it's not one of your listed options, but it's always an option available to you if you're willing to take that road.

Answer 9

Hi. sounds like a hard place to be. without knowing all the info it's a little hard to answer but i have a couple of ideas:
1. could your bf's farther be put into care? this may not be an opion but if it is it's worth considering.
2. if looking for a house could you find one close by. or could you find a house set up so that your bf's farther could move in with you and your son.

i hope that can help. i hope it works out. good luck.

Answer 10

Your bf has an awesomely good heart for doing this and god will bless him for that. If you truely love him, then i suggest you stay. If your family was in that prediument, would you help? Families and a home can wait. Family is #1 next to god. I know it feels like a burdon and it very hard since you have these plans. You could always get a house, and have him move in with you two..and have a at home nurse help you out. Talk it over with him, ask him what he wants and support him. I wish you luck with this.