I am in a gay "monagamous" relationship; I used quotes because from my question you can figure my question here are more details. We have been together for almost 6 years and over those last 6 years my partner repeatedly chats with other guys on line; lately it has come to the point of an obsession with a guy in Australia. He is up at 6 in the morning so that he can chat with for 2-3 hours, and their conversations are very graphic and there has been no mention of me or our relationship in these conversations. How do I know well I installed a viewer to check on the pages visited etc. He knows about this and still persists on doing this chatting, even after I told him how much it hurts me and makes me feel which is like crap. So do you consider this kind of behaviour cheating? Has anybody else experienced this and what did you do about it? Just wanting to work this out, not sure if I will be able to take much more of it. Thanks for you responses and have any questions just ask.....
2006-08-20 19:00:20 · 16 answers · asked by pojke 1 in Society & Culture ➔ Cultures & Groups ➔ Lesbian, Gay, Bisexual, and Transgender
He does know how I feel like I stated, but it does not seem to faze him in the least, it just goes on and on like a bad dream. Also we are married and I take our vows very seriously and will not just give up on him, I do love him and he knows that too. I just feel so clueless.
2006-08-20 19:36:13 · update #1
Sounds like cheating to me... if this other guy was a good friend, like a mutual friend, it might not be... but obsessive behaviour is not a good sign.
2006-08-24 04:33:43 · answer #1 · answered by guicoder 3 · 0⤊ 1⤋
Hi pojke!! :o) I'm sorry to hear about what you have been going through. Do I consider what your partner is doing as 'cheating'? Yes - I do. He is involved in an emotional relationship with someone else. No wonder you're feeling so hurt. I'd feel the same way if I were in your shoes. But what can you do about it? Forget the suggestion to be better in bed. That's the relationship advice 'experts' gave to wives [who worried about their husbands 'interest' in other woman] in the 1950's - for goodness sake. Put the blame where it belongs. It's your partner who is failing YOU - not the other way around. HE is the one who is betraying your trust AND betraying the vows you made to one another. I'm sad to say that far more often than not - in situations like this - 'things' only get worse. But even if your relationship doesn't come to an end - you should start preparing yourself [as best you can] for what might be the 'inevitable'. It's a horrible thing to have to consider - but it's wise - I think - to hope for the best - and to be ready for the worst. I wish you all the luck in the world. Craig!! :o)
2006-08-20 22:50:12 · answer #2 · answered by Anonymous · 1⤊ 0⤋
Try to remember, that this has nothing to do with you. It does not matter how you look, what you weigh, how good you are in bed, how much money you have, or how big "it" is. If someone is looking for it, they'll find it. There must be something that he is getting from this online thing, that he is not getting from you. Again, it doesn't have anything to do with you. It is what HE perceives as what is missing. I would certainly discuss this issue with him, and suggest counseling. If he doesn't want to participate, there is nothing wrong with you going alone. At some point, he'll need to make a move, either to give it up, or take a trip and meet this "dream" guy. If he chooses the latter, this may be very tough for you, but honestly, if you love him, and you know he would be happier elsewhere, isn't that one of the greatest gifts we can offer? To love enough, to let go. Thank him for everything, always have manners and class, and simply set him free. At the same time, you will be freeing yourself to find someone that will spend their time, until 6:00 am, looking at your handsome face, and wishing that you both could spend the whole day in bed together. Best wishes.
2006-08-20 19:30:36 · answer #3 · answered by Michael 3 · 1⤊ 1⤋
It is an emotional level of cheating, yes.
But, he may not even see it that way.
You two really need to talk about it more. Maybe a Gay Friendly couples therapy might be in order.
Yes, I've been there. Not in your shoes, but in your partners. I too was involved in an "online only" relationship. Actually a couple. But to me I didn't see it as cheating because I was still physically and emotionally in love with my partner. I never slept with anyone else, but the online conversations did get rather graphic.
We tried an experiment that might be of help to you. My partner and I started an "online" affair with each other!
She would IM me as someone else from another room, since we have DSL this was possible, and I would be someone else. We'd have a fantasy affair online. It was really terrific and really helped.
If this is possible for you, you might concider it. I'm not saying it would work for every couple but it's a thought.
If not, I'd really suggest the therapy.
2006-08-20 19:16:06 · answer #4 · answered by DEATH 7 · 0⤊ 1⤋
"Cheating" is anything that either partner thinks is cheating. It's that simple. If you're not ok with this, he needs to listen to you. You might need to have a lengthy discussion of why you're not ok with it, and why he thinks you should be, but the bottom line is that it's not just "no big deal". If it bothers you, and he ignores that it bothers you, there's a serious problem. You might consider looking up a gay-friendly couple's counselor.
2006-08-21 16:27:52 · answer #5 · answered by Atropis 5 · 0⤊ 0⤋
That is emotional cheating and you should unplug that god d*** computer and say "Look, I don't like this s*** and you need to stop! If you don't stop you can take your a** to Australia with your cyber lover and GTF out of my life. If I have to say this to you one more time, your s*** will be at the door! I've been taking this crap for 6 years and I've had enough!" If that doesn't work, you might just have to leave him or continue to take that emotional abuse.
2006-08-24 12:58:01 · answer #6 · answered by Anonymous · 1⤊ 0⤋
I'll tell you like this. If there are more negatives than positives in any relationship, you need to put you first. If you don't feel appreciated and craved like you should, you should find someone who will give you what you need.
But if you're like most people, you're more attracted to someone who gives you pleasure and pain at the same time. You might like the balance.
Once again, you need to put you first. You need to realize what you really like, love, and will tolerate. Because you can find someone to chat with too. Believe that.
2006-08-21 15:14:47 · answer #7 · answered by Jazzybinature 2 · 0⤊ 0⤋
It isn't physically cheating, but it's more hurtful than that because it's mentally or almost emotionally cheating . . . I think that's worse sometimes than physically cheating. I'd get on to the guy in Australia and write him a little note telling him how it really is.
2006-08-20 19:08:14 · answer #8 · answered by lilith4507 3 · 0⤊ 1⤋
If he cared about how you felt regarding what he's doing he should stop..but he's not abd obviously doesn't care. The real question is, do you want to be with someone that's carrying on sexually explicit conversations on with other people, knowing that it's hurting you? What could his behavior lead to? or already has lead to?
2006-08-21 01:13:07 · answer #9 · answered by Anonymous · 1⤊ 0⤋
If he is pretending to be serious with these other[s] then he is not only hurting you but probably the others as well. If you can access the address he is sending to, you might as someone else suggested send a "Hi there I'm ........'s better half ,talk to me for a change"
Rose P.
2006-08-20 19:24:39 · answer #10 · answered by rose p 7 · 0⤊ 1⤋