A couple years ago, I didn't invite the ex-girlfriend (I'll call her HT) of one of my closest friends to my graduation party. I had known her before they started dating, and had been friendly to her all the time, even after they broke up. But I had never known her too well.
Well, she found out that I had a college graduation party (a lot of people came), and expressed that she was unhappy that I didn't invite her. I don't blame her, but my friend (her ex) was going to be there, along with his new girlfriend. I had heard from many different people that his old ex, HT, was really jealous. She would still call my friend and leave strange messages for him.
I didn't want to make my friend uncomfortable nor anyone else at the party, so I chose not to invite HT. If they had resolved things amicably, I would have invited her, but my friends come before acquaintances.
I recently remembered this when I heard that she has been having some problems. Was I wrong not to invite her?
2006-08-20 18:53:41 · 10 answers · asked by Jimmy 4 in Family & Relationships ➔ Friends
I appreciate the well-thought out opinions of everyone.
I did apologize to her (HT) later, but I still believed that I had hurt her, and I've carried that regret since, because I think she is genuinely a nice girl. Otherwise I would've never associated with her.
Part of the reason why I made the choice not to invite her was because I had observed that she completely changed whenever my friend and his new girlfriend would be around. HT would become very negative and try to make either my friend or his girlfriend uncomfortable. This made me very sad, because it was clear that after a year, she was still obsessing over him, and that she was not moving on with her life.
My friend forgave her for being unfaithful, but I think that she never forgave herself, at least not when we were in school together.
These posts are very helpful to me, if I should ever be placed in a similar position in the future.
2006-08-20 19:34:04 · update #1
You did the right thing. Friends do indeed come before acquaintances. I think you did an admirable job in balancing the ethical requirements of the situation and no reasonable person, even the girl in question, could fault you for it.
2006-08-20 19:01:52 · answer #1 · answered by Bethany 7 · 1⤊ 0⤋
Friends should come before acquaintances. HOWEVER, you may have served yourself (and your acquaintance) better had you spoken to her about it and heard HER side of the story before deciding whether or not to invite her.
"I had heard from many different people that his old ex, HT, was really jealous. She would still call my friend and leave strange messages for him."
You HEARD this, but did you CONFIRM it? What exactly were the messges? Those kinds of statements are character assasinations, unless they can be verified. This aspect of making your decision is faulty.
And yet, you had to consider the overall event, the other guests, and if there could be a scene or an uncomfortable tension.
This is one of those situations (and there are many in life) where you have to make a decision based on your principles, and your "gut" and any decision you make will not please everyone.
Were you a jerk for not inviting her? Absolutely NOT.
Were you wrong to invite her? Yes and no.
Yes because you didn't seek out her side of the story and because two years after the event you're asking us for our opinion.
No, because you took other factors into consideration and it was, after all, YOUR party.
2006-08-21 02:15:17 · answer #2 · answered by cboni2000 4 · 1⤊ 0⤋
What you should have done was phone or e-mail her before you sent out announcements and asked her if she would feel comfortable attending. Then at least she would know you were thinking of her feelings. If I were you, I would apologize again and even take her out for a friendly lunch. When a friend does not invite another friend to something important in his or her life, like a college graduation, wedding, etc., that is an INSULT. Don't pull a such a thing again or you will start to get a bad reputation.
2006-08-21 06:30:38 · answer #3 · answered by Anonymous · 1⤊ 0⤋
From the female point of view, what you did wrong here is essentially make the decision FOR her by not inviting her. What you should have done was invited her, told her that her ex was going to be there with his new gf and she could have made the decision for herself on whether or not to come.
This has happened to me a bunch of times in the last year since my ex and I split up and we have the same circle of friends. The friends essentially leave it up to the 2 of us to decide if we want to come to something. It's the more mature way to handle it.
Now if you had given her this information, she showed up, acted like a jackass and ruined your party previously - you would have every reason NOT to invite her to this one. But since there was no previous "party-drama" if you will, you should have invited her and given her all the information for her to decide whether or not to come.
But the fact that this was a couple years ago...I wouldn't lose any sleep over it.
2006-08-21 02:07:11 · answer #4 · answered by P 1 · 1⤊ 0⤋
Kind yes, but it's b/c you were trying not to be a dick to your friend. Tell her that you had wanted to, but he is ur good friend and you didn't want it to be awkward for either of them. Apologize and continue by saying, next time you have a party you'll be sure to offer her. Then change the subject to your actual graduation fact.
2006-08-21 02:03:33 · answer #5 · answered by girlnoladrea 3 · 1⤊ 0⤋
I would have done the same thing. Friends come before acquaintances...I like that.
2006-08-21 02:12:37 · answer #6 · answered by xxx 4 · 1⤊ 0⤋
yeah, sorry dude, its your party for yoiu to enjoy with YOUR friends, no matter what the attendees think. I would apologize to her.
2006-08-21 02:00:53 · answer #7 · answered by wakesetter14 2 · 1⤊ 0⤋
yeah that was kinda messed up but hey? we all make mistakes
2006-08-21 05:40:57 · answer #8 · answered by OkieOk 3 · 1⤊ 0⤋
yeah
2006-08-21 01:58:09 · answer #9 · answered by curse 2 · 1⤊ 0⤋
I don't think so.
2006-08-21 02:28:12 · answer #10 · answered by pure-freak-734 2 · 1⤊ 0⤋