How do you handle his (ex)girlfriend being pregnant?

Question

You just found out the woman your husband ended the affair with is pregnant and she wants him to have an active role in the lamaze classes and he feels he should be there --- how do you respond to this situation?

Answer 1

OMG that would be horrible! It would be too much for me to handle - I would move on.

Answer 2

WOW....this is a tough situation. While on one hand your husband should cut off all contact with his lover in order to save your marriage, he has now created another life with her, and has a responsibility to that life. Assuming it's his--have him get a paternity test as soon as he can. I don't know if you have any children with your husband, but you don't want him to ignore his child, even if it's not by you. If you feel that your marriage is worth saving, even now, I would probably feel that I needed to support my husband in supporting the new child...NOT the ex girlfriend.

I'm not sure that him going to lamaze classes, etc is such a good idea, to me that sounds rather vindictive on her part, you know? Plus, it's a little too "cozy" if you know what I mean, it's too much of making them a couple, which they're not. She's lost "her" man, and now is trying ANYTHING to get him back. For this part, I'd make darned sure she's even pregnant, some women have been known to lie about this, especially when the affair was with a married man, and then have a "convenient" miscarriage when they can't pull it off any longer (and have the guy pay for those medical bills as well.) I would have your husband demand to see proof of the pregnancy, and share that with you as well. Even up to taking her to a doctor and paying for the test to be performed right there. You should go with him, I'd think.

I hope you and your husband are receiving counseling for the issues in your marriage that have sprung from the affair, and for those issues that existed prior to the affair. I also congratulate you on wanting to work on improving your marriage, too many people would tell you to dump him and run. Hopefully your marriage will survive this latest bump in the road, and will be richer in the long run for the trials you are facing now. Best of luck to you!

Answer 3

Wow. Not an easy one.

First, why does he feel he should be there? Does he plan to "be there" for the rest of that child's life? If so, this other woman will be an integral part of your and his lives together from now on. Are you willing to put up with that?

Sometimes things are set in motion which cannot be reversed. He might have walked away from this affair if she had not become pregnant, but he probably would just as easily slip into another affair before long, since the best indicator of future behavior is past behavior.

You have to ask yourself what is most important to you. I've known people who have forgiven each other and remained together after a betrayal like this, and I've known people who couldn't bear up under the pressure of not being able to trust the one next to them in bed.

I can tell you what I would do if this happened in our house. Without further ado, I would contact a lawyer and a locksmith. The lawyer to advise me accordingly, and the locksmith to change all the locks on my doors so he couldn't get back in the house. Then I would call him at the office to find out where he wants his clothes sent to...then pack everything up and move him out. If he refuses to give you an address where you can send his things, then call 1-800-GOT-JUNK and let them pick everything up. (Of course, you may want to give him fair warning on that....)

I think you have to love yourself first, and be your own best friend in these matters. No one needs this kind of hurt and betrayal...and now you're basically entangled with this mess for the rest of this child's natural days if the two of you stay together. His affections and sense of loyalty are already obviously divided....it will only get worse in the days to come.

I predict that the closer it gets to the birth of the child, the more he will become "confused" over who he's really in love with. He'll get emotional and feel macho over this baby, and I'm willing to bet the day will come that he'll walk in the door only long enough to tell you it's over. Only you can decide what's best for you, but I would do like President Bush and go for the pre-emptive strike. Take control of your life and decide how you want to live...don't let this man and his girlfriend make those decisions for you.

Good luck - I hope you find peace in your decisions.

Answer 4

I feel for you, deeply. If you have decided to work through this marriage this is going to be a constant struggle. He needs to assure you that he can be trusted, that if this other woman tried to use this child as a way of making more problems or just being vindictive he needs to put your marriage first. I would try to keep this woman close to keep an eye on this predicament. You don't have to be her friend, but make sure that once the baby is born your husband gets a paternity test.

Answer 5

quite frankly if that was my husband that did that i would tell him it is either that girl and the kid or me. i would not be able to handle watching my husband have a child with another woman.. and hell if the mother knew that he was married then it is her own fault for being left. for the next 18 years you are going to have to look at that child and you are going to see that other woman. if you feel that you can deal with raising that child with Ur husband on a joint custody bases.. then i would still not let him go alone with her.. no matter what.. sure he should be there because he is the father.. but it is not fair to you.. he keeps seeing her alone like that they will have 10 kids together..

Answer 6

You're his wife. You call the shots and only do what you're comfortable with.He should have thought of this before having an affair.If he can't get with it,Oh well. Did you have a say when he was out there risking bring AIDS into your union?.He's done enough.Take control of this situation and tell that chick, you running this for now on because your husband's judgement sucks.

Answer 7

I am going to take out my soap box for this one. You are dating a guy that has an ex-girlfriend that is pregnant. I think this is what is wrong with our society. You are worried how this is going to affect you and him. What about the baby that has no choice? If you guy slept with some chick got her pregnant then isn't with her why do you think he is such a catch? Obviously casual sex and sleeping around is no big deal to him. We as a society need to STOP treating sex as casual sex IS NOT CASUAL, babies are not casual. People need to respect themselves and the lives they create. Obviously your boyfriend liked this person enough to sleep with her so maybe you need to break up with him and let him try to work things out with her so his baby can have a baby not a mommy a mommies boyfriend a daddy and a girlfriend... Babies need parents!!!

Answer 8

tell them u want to be there if u can handle this emotionally. cos if she wants him in the childs life ur his wife so u will be there to help raise this child to!! but if u dont want to be there what he did was wrong and now theres this child who he has responsabiltys to so even though it hurts u this baby deserves to have his/her daddy there. its going to hurt from lamaze all the way to being at the childs graduration. i wish u all the best.

Answer 9

You need to get this thing fully squared away.

can you ask for a test to prove paternity?

Answer 10

well this is a tough one, but maybe you can suggest yu go with her and participate in this pregnancy, allthough it is difficult. remember keep your friends close and your enemys even closer, i say this cause i'm sure she is no friend of yours.