My divorce was final this last Thursday the 17th. I am so heartbroken.I left him, but didn't want to.I love this man with all my heart. He was mostly verbally, but sometimes physically abusive, and has gotten better over the 4yrs of marriage with the physical stuff, better with not calling me ugly names, but still verbally controlling on a daily basis.I met him in the 8th grade, he was my 1st love, but he never knew it, because I was sooo shy until we reconnected on classmates.com in 2002. Anyway, he tried multiple times since 6/29 to get back together with me. I kept rejecting him because I have left him twice before and I was blamed for leaving, etc.He thinks its my prob, that i'm just depressed.I think hes abusive and needs help.Will he ever get help and realize we belong together, or am I just delusional with my constant hope of a miracle?I have read lots on abusers that they don't realize what they are doing. Is there ANY HOPE? Pls don't recommend joint counseling. Been there.Thks
2006-08-20 13:09:51 · 30 answers · asked by Anonymous in Family & Relationships ➔ Marriage & Divorce
Sweetheart, I dout he will ever change, remember thats why hes your ex, Right?? your friend from Tennessee...ROB
2006-08-20 13:16:10 · answer #1 · answered by Anonymous · 1⤊ 1⤋
My ex was verbally and emotionally abusive also. He blamed it all on me too. I put up with it for 15 years before I finally got out. From what I hear, he's treating his current love interest the same way he treated me. Do not expect your ex to change. He won't because he doesn't think he is doing anything wrong. I think your best bet is to try and go on with your life. Just write him off as a mistake you made and find someone who will treat you the way you deserve to be treated.
2006-08-20 13:16:17 · answer #2 · answered by Sabina 5 · 2⤊ 0⤋
I honestly don't think that there's any hope for you.
He's not a good decent man for you to be with. Verbal and physical abuse is not part of a good relationship.
I strongly believe that once a dog, always a dog. As soon as I would get hit once by a guy, I would high tail it out of there no matter what.
You deserve a lot better. You've gotten yourself out of that situation, now stay as far away from him as you can.
2006-08-20 13:18:07 · answer #3 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋
He's your ex-husband now. Move on. That was the whole point of spending all your time and money on it, right? Now is the time to look forward, not back. Make new friends, get some hobbies. Start dating. Have fun and get your mind off of him. He is not the only male on earth, and the universe does not revolve around this dude. Good Luck.
2006-08-20 13:35:56 · answer #4 · answered by Shadow 6 · 0⤊ 0⤋
As difficult as it may be, you need to accept what you already know. There is no hope. I can tell that you already know this because you left him. I think what you're looking for here is reassurance that you made the right choice. I am very proud of any woman who has enough courage to realize that no matter how much she loves a man, she can never change him and needs to leave him to better support herself. Just keep on keepin' on and you will be fine. look to the future with high hopes for what you will achieve- by yourself!
2006-08-20 13:18:45 · answer #5 · answered by wishbug132 1 · 0⤊ 0⤋
I'm sad to say this - but I think it is in your best interest to stay away from this guy. Abusers are big into manipulation. I commend you for cutting the cord and leaving this guy. While you are going through a tough time now, in a few years you will look back and wonder why you didn't leave him sooner. Perhaps someday he will be in another relationship. But, in my view, once a relationship gets as unhealthy as yours was, it truly is beyond repair. Just be thankful you got out before it got any uglier. You have your whole life in front of you. You are entitled to happiness and I hope you allow yourself to find it. Good luck.
2006-08-20 13:16:34 · answer #6 · answered by Anonymous · 1⤊ 0⤋
God - He can change anyone. Get in a good church and the feeling of the spirit and the holy ghost anointing in that place will change anyone for the better. I have seen it happen.
If you are not a Christian - Contact me - I will not judge - that is not what I do. I will explain and give examples. If you are a Christian, then find a good church and get him to go with you. God is a better counselor than anyone else could ever be.
May I recommend a Pentecostal church - you won't believe the anointing that is in a Pentecostal church.
2006-08-20 13:26:40 · answer #7 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋
You are still allowing him to mentally abuse you. You will never change this man -- never. He doesn't want to change so all you can do is change the way you react to him. Stay away from him: no calls, no visits, no more thinking about him. It's up to him to get the help he needs for himself. You can't fix him. Go to a counselor for yourself ... learn to be strong and not let this happen again in your life.
2006-08-20 13:22:03 · answer #8 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋
IF you've tried counseling, and if you've been very clear about conditions under which you would consider a relationship and he hasn't changed, where in this scenario do you find any hope? I don't see any. The best predictor of future behavior is past behavior. Does THAT give any sign of hope? You realize and understand that it isn't you, right. That its some bug or brokeness in him, right? If you are not clear about your standards he may always think "she'll give in." and come back.
2006-08-20 13:20:12 · answer #9 · answered by DelK 7 · 0⤊ 0⤋
He needs counselling. And so do you. SEPERATELY.
He's already done irrepairable damage to you. It would be nice so the next woman doesn't have to go through what you have.
You need to learn to not repeat these dance steps and get the same kind on man, ever again. You need to heal.
And though you may love this man, realize, he has NEVER loved you in the way a man is to love a woman.
2006-08-20 13:17:56 · answer #10 · answered by weddrev 6 · 1⤊ 0⤋
Three things lead to name calling and physical abuse. 1- When a person thinks he can not be listened ,or MISCOMMUNICATION
2- When he momentarily or permanently believes that just asking you won't be enough to get things done ( legitimate things) or in simple words MISTRUST.
3-When a person thinks that you are of not enough benefit to him (in physical or material way) or loss of RESPECT.
These things can happen to the best of us and quite commonly. Love is one big force which teaches a person how to deal with these things with patience and tolerance. When people do not have love it becomes very difficult to correct these things no matter how much councelling you go through. Try to search your soul if this is what happened to your marriage...I hope you understand what I am leading to. You do not have love, you have SEPERATION ANXIETY.
I do not like to see two souls seperated but mismatching souls is even more terrible. IF you think that BOTH of you can listen to each other, respect each others needs and desires, and trust each other that one will put others desire and comfort before his/her than after an intial period of 6 months to 12 months complete seperation, try from scratch first go through courtship to achieve these things. One bad thing in our society is that before developing love people jump into sex, which actually completely this whole phase of development of love.
Wiseman
2006-08-20 13:46:25 · answer #11 · answered by WISEMAN 3 · 0⤊ 0⤋