A serious question for the ladies?

Question

Have you ever made your mind up 100% that a marriage/relationship is over and than later been persuaded to change your mind and start up again with your ex? What persuaded you to change your mind and did it work out? The reason I ask is that my wife wants to end our marriage because she says that the spark has disappeared and she doesn't think it will ever come back. I thought there was someone else but she says this not true and I believe her. She says she loves me still and we will see a lot of each other for the sake of our children. I love my wife more than anything else and this is tearing me apart. Can I really persuade her to change her mind or if I move out will she just forget me and find someone else? Serious answers please, I am in a lot of pain.

Answer 1

Havent been in your situation, but i know people that have, i have seen it work both ways, people getting back together and being as unhappy as they were before and people getting back together and getting their spark back........what it comes down to though is-it looks like shes made up her mind,as much as it hurts, if she doesnt want to try, as it takes two, then you have to respect that and try and move on and find happiness with someone else. i dont think she'd ever forget about you, you never know maybe some time apart will make her relise how much she misses you,

Answer 2

Yea, once a mind has been made up and the spark has gone its pretty much over. Keep in mind it is nothing personal. People change.. we all do. Things change and our emotions change also. But let me ask you this. In your mind.. do you see the marriage as "nothing wrong"? If you do see the marriage as something being not quite right.. is it worth the sadness, emptiness that you both must feel to keep it going for the sake of the children or what you want or think a marriage should be? While I believe each person plays a role in making a marriage work..sometimes the work put into making it work is not worth it. I myself am in a marriage as you have described. However I stay for the sake of "being what its suppose to be" not really being happy in it. I have to say.. I am mostly miserable. I lack the ability to enjoy what most couples should enjoy. I do the cooking, cleaning, and all that comes with it as a chore, not for the sake of wanting to. In other words.. I lack life in general. Do you want that? If not.. then I say let her go and get on with your life. No, I do not think there is anything you can do to persuade her. If she forgets you and finds someone else.. there is nothing you can do about that. I know you are in alot of pain. I do feel for you. I also am in alot of pain. But its a different kind of pain. Your pain is from her telling you the truth in how she feels. Mine is pain from not telling the truth in how I feel and living a total lie. As hard as it is to accept.. be happy that you do have another chance in finding happiness and be happy that she was woman enough to be honest with you. Good luck. Who knows.. she may change her mind after you guys have spent some time apart. Just go with the flow the best you can.

Answer 3

Normally I would say you would know when a relationship or marriage had run its course. A number of events would have indicated this over several months maybe even years. In my own circumstances, I have known 100% that there would be no possibility of starting again.

But my circumstances are hardly yours each case is unique and very different.

For some relationships the sparkle was never there in the beginning it just so happened that people have met, started socialising, went out on a few dates and the next thing is a hasty wedding and a baby. No time to formulate whether ideas of love or companionship are one and the same. No time to get to know each others habits and ways. But a hasty marriage certainly stifles individuality and hastens the loss of independence and free will on both sides.

Some people have even got married because they were in love with the fairy tale aspect of it, much to their cost. Especially when marriage did not turn out to be the bed of roses that was expected. Some also marry because of family pressures, or thoughts about it being the right thing to do. It was alright at the time might not be the case 5 years down the line.

Some of my friends look old before there time because they've done just that. Some stick it out for the sake of the children, but they argue and fight and the children are somehow caught in the middle. Children understand when a marriage is being tested by being fraught with tensions and troubles. Sometimes the children are the cause, especially when one parent feels they've lost out on so much of there life.

However, if this seems rather sudden for you than it may be worth your while to discuss matters with a marriage guidance counsellor. He or she should be able to encourage you both to debate areas of your relationship/marriage you might not have thought of giving any creedence to. You mustn't forget the children here, they have thoughts and feelings. A good counsellor can get you all talking together.

I sincerely hope you find some relief and if this isn't the first time the problem of sparkle in your marriage has become an issue, than look at it now, Look at the whole thing, the ties, the emotions the sex, what each of you have brought to it. A marriage worth saving is worth seeking a counsellor for.

Answer 4

Hmm - sounds like something I said to my ex to be honest. It was the most difficult thing I ever had to say and I don't think there is anything he could have done to change the way I felt about our relationship. We didn't have children and so I imagine that your wife has thought about this even more carefully than I did.

I don't know if this will help you or not, probably not right now but 6 months after we split up my husband contacted me and said that I had made the right decision, that he was then in a wonderful relationship with someone he loved very much. I know that will seem impossible to you right now but I just wanted to tell you that either way there is light at the end of the tunnel.

Good luck with it all, I would take the friendship being offered by your wife and see where it goes, communication is everything at this stage.

Answer 5

When you got married did you vows not say "for better or worse"? Marriages get stronger the more things you can over come together the whole point is in order to make you relationship stronger you have to suffer sometimes and go through things together. If there's no spark you cant just give up, that's the easy way out and that's the problem with society now a days, everyone think that because one isn't happy they can just get a divorce. NO you have to work things out why take the easy road? Regardless of what you choose to do, stay together or separate someone will suffer, so why not make the suffering worth while and fight to stay together bring back that spark! There no reason why you cant do it its just people dont like to try and they dont like the hard way. But what will you be teaching your children? That its ok to give up on the people or things you love because its TOO HARD?

Answer 6

Honestly, it could go either way. Doesn't sound like anyone did anything horrible to the other so there is hope. It also doesn't sound like your wife has realistic expectations of marriage and long term relationships. These ups and downs and dying and igniting of 'sparks' are normal. They happen to every married couple and the ones that make it are the ones that hold on and find ways to reignite the sparks. You could suggest marriage counselling, but if she has her mind made up she will probably find that the grass isn't greener on the other side of the fence. However the problem is the damage that could be done to the relationship while she's figuring that out.

Answer 7

I have been there (your wife's side) I will tell you that my husband made my life a living hell for 3 years of separation. Then my mom pasted away and he came to the rescue. He moved back in and helped me deal with my loss (as much as he could) I decided to give him another chance even though I was not in love with him thinking things have changed. I was wrong! I did not want to hate him but his not letting up was making me dislike him more then anything. You can not make someone love you again or feel those feelings again. To be honest would you really want someone who does not want you but is only with you because you persuaded her? When you love someone you want them to be happy and even though you may think that you can make her happy maybe what she needs can't come from you. Trust in your love and let her go. Who knows maybe when she sees what's out there she will appreciate what she had. I know it's tuff I have been on both ends. Good luck.

Answer 8

What people don't seem to understand is that over the years the spark DOES fade in a marriage. It's inevitable...but it in no way means you should end the marriage! People get married and they get used to each other to the point where the 'excitement' is gone...but the marriage isn't. She should really reconsider. Sure, she could go find someone else and the spark will be there, but give it a few years and the spark will be gone, then what? Go on to the next guy? Good luck......

Answer 9

You are going through a tough time. Read your other postings.
Your wife says the spark has gone out of your marriage. You might need some counselling. It always makes me angry when I hear this of a parent. It is so immature. People should sort out their lives before they have children. However, that's beside the point.
It takes two to make a marriage. I think if you do split up, your wife will regret it later. You sound like a wonderful husband and father and your wife sounds immature. However, if you're too "needy" she's going to fight for her point of view. She needs to remember why she loved you and start developing her respect for you. She's calling the shots now. It is up to you how you respond. Pleading will not help your case. Keep your dignity. Please seek counselling with professionals who can help you both reassess the situation.

Answer 10

You have to find out what made the spark go out.......really take off the pride glasses, look at your self first, see what you could do or could have done to keep the flame burning.In my opinion, if there isn't anyone else as of already, there will be soon, women can't live without feeling that they are attractive and desired,and loved, you may still have a chance, but you will have to work at it, and don't be lazy.......and don't change after a week, and think everything will be ok.I don't mean to be mean but it was probably your fault, if you are like most men....sorry but you asked......