How do you know when it's time to end a relationship? My husband and I have been together nearly 7 years, but I know it's one of the most unhealthy relationships I've ever had? He REFUSES to get a job and insists on working for himself although he averages $800 a month which puts all the bills on me, making me hateful and unbearing as I try to convince him it's time to grow up. His family talks down to him and doesn't included him in anything (including the fact that he didn't receive an invitation to his own brother's wedding and wasn't told when his uncle passed away so he could go to the funeral). We have a nearly non-existing sex life (very difficult for a Latin woman who is all rage and fire) - and no amount of talking I do will get through to him. I KNOW I'm not perfect, can be a nag, and a million other downfalls a woman can be accused of... but I have heard from friends and family and I know this marriage is unhealthy. He has good points but that won't save us. What do I do?
2006-08-20 10:12:02 · 7 answers · asked by fragglerockqueen 5 in Family & Relationships ➔ Marriage & Divorce
His good points: he has a good sense of humor usually and can be very caring (he got me the cutest puppy for our anniversary last month).
And please don't suggest therapy. I already have and he has ademantly refused.
2006-08-20 10:13:59 · update #1
Give it six months to improve, and if there is no improvement, you need to move on. You have given it adequate effort, and if it's not better in 6 months, you need to move out. In the meantime, prepare for your next step, and be ready when the time comes. I admire your honesty by the way, about yourself. Good Luck!
2006-08-20 10:27:03 · answer #1 · answered by olderbutwiser 7 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Do you know my ex wife? Seriously though... When you run your own business it can seem like it just about to pick up at any moment. Quitting the business and getting a job can be a very hard choice to make. Keep in mind that Bill Gates could have quit early on and he'd be just another badly dressed geek now (well, maybe not). It's exactly the same for him as it is for you and the marriage - you don't know if it's time to say, 'enough is enough'.
Here's a radical idea. Tell him how you feel. Ask him to set some goals inhis business. Realistic ones that are reasonably attainable - but if it's not working, then he has to face up to it. I run my own small business, and yes it cost me a wife. Amazingly within a few months the business turned around and now I'm doing admirably well. the point is that while some businesses succeed others are doomed to fail. Worse still, some fail slowly. Going broke dramatically is easy. Going broke over thirty years is a wasted life. Anyway, get him to set some goals for the business.
Here's the tricky part. You have to do exactly what he's doing in the business - but in your marriage. Set some goals - attainable ones. I understand the latin thing. Make one of your goals trying to get him into a lingerie store - you'll figure out the rest from there. Perhaps another is trying to get a weekend away. Or trying to get him to dance - just once. But hold yourself to those goals and live with the results. That may be with, or it maybe without him.
Just as his business needs to perform (and he's probably swallowed up in that), then you take the responsibility for the marriage and see if you can make that perform. I know that's not entirely fair - but it's a plan. I certainly wish my wife had tried. By the time we realised there was problem we were so far gone it was a waste of time.
I wish you the best of luck. Let me know how you get on. Oh yeah, by the way. Every woman can be a nag, so don't let that worry you. You know what's wose than having a woman nag you? Not having a woman nag you.
JFS
http://360.yahoo.com/j_f_sebastian82
2006-08-20 23:43:35 · answer #2 · answered by j_f_sebastian82 3 · 0⤊ 0⤋
The short answer is: YOU will know when it's over. I usually favor holding marriages together, but this might be an exception. It sounds like you married a dreamer. Gonna find the "right" thing. And, he's still trying. Well, that's commendable for a 22 year old, but adults accept that we can't have everything we wanted, back at 17. Perhaps your spouse hasn't yet accepted that he isn't going to be what he hoped, at 17.Sooo, what do you do? Sadly, your last couple sentences give YOUR answer. His good points won't save you. So, you get the divorce. I detected no hint that you've been unfaithful, and I believe you're just a woman who has just reached HER limit. End it as nicely as possible. Neither of you are truly "bad guys" Good luck to both
2006-08-20 17:48:23 · answer #3 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋
OMG!!! sounds like my first marriage. same type of guy - couldn't hold a job for anything. it's time for you to get outta there - you've already done your time.
realize it is possible to be happy and have someone who is responsible and cares deeply for you. women always feel like we can "change" things - make things better with time, but 7 years is a lot of time!!!
i spent 6 years with my ex-husband and a few years later, i found my soul mate. he is trustworthy, romantic, hardworking and he comes from a great family.
you can have this too. good luck.
2006-08-20 18:55:32 · answer #4 · answered by SheShe13 3 · 1⤊ 0⤋
Its time for an ultimatum. I gave my husband the choice, keep working for yourself and loose me or get a job and keep me. He has been looking for a job and going on interviews for the past two weeks. Dont give up, but give him the chance to fix it.
2006-08-20 17:38:09 · answer #5 · answered by lee911 3 · 0⤊ 0⤋
He needs a wakeup call. Maybe that would be enough, so leave him and see if he wants you back badly enough to change some things.
2006-08-20 17:20:12 · answer #6 · answered by foxxyy44u 3 · 0⤊ 1⤋
How sad that you didn't know he didn't have a job BEFORE you made a lifelong commitment to him.
2006-08-20 17:58:32 · answer #7 · answered by bluez 6 · 0⤊ 0⤋