How do you get past the broken heart stage when all you want is the one that broke it in the first place?

Question

My heart has been shredded and i am still in shock about it a month later, theres no way back with what he said but it's him in my dreams every night. I work in the public eye and i have to be tough and in control. I dont want to feel like this but it comes up from nowhere, just when i think i am getting back to normal.
He could never have loved me, even though he said he did every day but that doesn't change the way i felt and feel about him. He was my best friend, my lover, my confidant. I thought he was my soulmate. I have travelled from the greatest happiness other than giving birth to my child, to the depths of sadness and i didn't see it coming

Answer 1

Oh I feel so much for you, having been there myself I can empathise with you. I am not going to say "Pull your self together or you will get over it" as these are cliche that are all to easy to say. However, what I will say is you have to try and move on for your child's sake and for your own well being.

Look at it this way 1 month is a very short time to get over a relationship that has lasted a long time, so you cannot really expect to forget him just like that (indeed you would be a very shallow person if you did). And I sure that you are not shallow.

You say that he could not have loved you, but he probably did at some stage of his relationship with you. However, peoples feelings change and though whilst this may seem fickle to you, especially as you still have strong feeling for him bit it is one of the sad facts of life that people fall in and out of love.

When those feelings of dread and loneliness creep up on you without any warning, pick up the phone and talk to someone who will listen to you. Or alternatively have a night out with a good friend if you are able, or invite the friend round to yours. It doesn't have to be a boozy night out but a quite one so you can tell your friend how you are feeling.

Above all do not try looking for an answer as to why it all happened and you must not blame yourself as you will only feel a heap worse than you do just now.

All I can say is things will get easier for you and very slowly you will come out of this trauma a stronger person. And that you will meet someone that can reciprecate your love and appreciate you for what you are. Meantime, enjoy your child, go out and visit places and do the things that you have always wanted to do. Perhaps you could take a short break away from familiar surroundings. A change of scenery does work wonders.

Good night dear and have your dreams they will do no harm, but gradually they will fade as sure as night follows day. Make sure you eat regular meals and get regular sleep otherwise you will get run down.

Read a good book.... recommend 'Pillars of the Earth' by Ken Fowlett. Wonderful read.

Edit: One last word, if he comes crawling kick him in the butt metaphorically speaking. Go to the gym and work him out of your system. And please remember your self respect is everthing, do not let that man get the better of you no matter how much you feel for him. A lesson I learnt the hard way.

Answer 2

Oh honey, my heart goes out to you right now. Let me tell you something; i was in your position a long time ago. The one person i had loved absolutely with all my heart and soul, unconditionally, let me down really badly. He broke my heart so badly that i never ever thought it'd mend. Sometimes the pain was so bad that i could hardly breathe, and it wasnt just an emotional pain; i could physically feel the loss of my one true love, i know that sounds daft but its the only way i can describe the immense hurt i felt. I was very young, and i was left as a single mum, it was hard hun. But, day by day i carried on. Little by little i put myself back together. There's no easy answer, it really is just a case of waiting and trusting that it'll be okay in the end. I wish i could say something that would help you right here right now, but the most i can say is that it wont always be like this. One day you will wake up and he wont be the first thing on your mind, one night you'll fall asleep without crying, and bit by bit you will move on. You'll probably always hold a candle for him, if there are children involved you have a special bond, but it will get easier in time i promise you. Just get through this time as best you can, dont feel like you have to be brave, call your friends and talk it over, maybe confide in your family that you're having a tough time at the moment and could do with some extra support. Never ever allow people to make you feel like you should be getting on with things; you have lost someone precious to you and, just like when someone dies, there is a grieving process to go through. Wishing you all the very best, hang in there babe, X

Answer 3

It can be really hard when someone breaks up with you but at least you know that there is no way back so therefore the only way is forward, i know its easier said than done but you just have to give it time and before you know it it will have been hours since you last thought of him, then days, then weeks, then months...etc...The trick is to keep yourself busy, try investing more time in your child, or taking up a new hobby or a night class or anything that could distract you....I know right now you probably think it will never work but I was in a similar situation and then I started college and before I knew it I had totally moved on and I've never looked back!! Good Luck!

Answer 4

Time is the only thing that heals a broken heart. It is the only pain that there is no medicine for. Just try to do the best you can to get out of the house and be social . Try to be around up lifting people. Keep doing things that kind of keeps your mind off of it. I am so sorry you are going through this . I will keep you in my prayers. I am sure you are a great person and will have no trouble finding someone that will love you and treat you right.

Answer 5

This is what life is about, ups and downs. It happened to me also. I did not see it coming either. I cried almost every night, I would look at his pictures and make it worse. I prayed to God to take the empty spot in my heart away. I was driving in the car when I did that. I got home and I was lead to take down all his pictures and put them away. I was lead to a different job which filled the hole in my heart. It did take 7 months, but one day I was driving home again and realized the empty feeling was gone. You just have to give your problem to God and let him handle it for you. You can do it!!! Do you know I ran into my x about 6 months later and he kept wanting to see me on the side but it was hard to do but I told him "no" cause I did not want to be the other girl he cheats with on his wife he has now. He finally got the message after about a year trying. You will be fine. God will bring the right person for you. God does a lot of things to protect us and you just have to know their was a reason for the break-up. Good luck to you!!! Kat

Answer 6

You need to get over him...especially since you have a child too. Mourn if you have to, then move on. You seem like you know there's no going back. Have a good cry, dust yourself off, then get dolled up, look in the mirror and think about all the good qualities you have to offer someone else who will eventually come along. Is he worth all your tears? Is he worth you wallowing after hurting you? Ask yourself those questions every time you think about him and it may help.

Good Luck

Answer 7

This is the way you get passed this trauma by having it revisit you unbidden in dreams and thought. This is a type of post-traumatic stress syndrome and it will taper off. Another question is whether or not you can examine your own issues that allowed you to be drawn to this kind of man so that you are not vulnerable to being drawn into similar relationships in the future.

I hope you have a network of family and friends to support you and your child during this difficult period. If not, see if you can develop one.

Answer 8

It's going to take time. You will have your good days and bad days. Make sure you have someone to lean on when you have those bad days. I've been there but was blessed with great friends so they helped me through my darkest times.

Just know, though it may not seem that way now, there is light at the end of the tunnel and I hope you see glimpse of it soon.

All the best.

Answer 9

I'm in a very simular position myself so my advice can't be that good i guess as I am in pieces myself. I just think in time the pain goes, and when you are getting better you start to think about meeting someone else, and then in time I am sure you will meet someone that you can love and be loved back. Life has it's ups and downs. This is just one of those down moments. There will be lots of ups a head.

Answer 10

You are confusing a person with a need. You need an intimate partner. You don't need one guy. You know the feeling that guy gives you, like he's the only one? There are a thousand guys that can make you feel like they are the ONLY one.

It was a special relationship- half of it was you, and you still have that half to share with someone else. Hang out with your friends more. Be careful next time. I hate breaking up!