My husband and I have four children, now all grown. After our youngest moved out, I left my husband. All during the marriage I asked and pleaded that he clean up. He would often lie to me, saying he quit, but I found out after the fact that he was indeed still using. My husband and I have been seperated for three years -- I can not afford to pay for a divorce and he just assumes we will be back together any time now. My husband did attend treatment for three months after I left him, but every time I see him (family functions, etc) he is having a 'few' drinks . At our son's wedding on Friday night he became intoxicated and my children felt it was my duty to bring him home -- as he is my husband. I refused and left the reception. What can I do? They don't get it.
2006-08-20 07:31:39 · 16 answers · asked by Pam E 1 in Family & Relationships ➔ Marriage & Divorce
I think I need to clarify why I can't afford a divorce. We had a business together, which failed, and we owe nearly a half million dollars. Bankruptcy is an option -- but I would have to file on the corporation to clear that debt -- which is much more costly than a simple personal bankruptcy. I have been searching high and low for a job -- I have earned only a few thousand dollars this year. I can barely afford to eat -- much less hire an attorney. So, it's really not bullshit as one person stated. It's a financial nightmare, combined with alcholism. I truly don't need critism - had enough of that to last a life time -- I need constructive advice.
2006-08-20 08:07:56 · update #1
You have every right not to put up with his alcoholism! You can ask him to get help until your throat dries up; until he wants to, he won't do it, he can't do it. As far as your children go, they will just have to accept the fact that you have a right to a life you can enjoy. Maybe a parent shouldn't be so protective of younger children, when the other parent is doing something that inevitable will hurt the rest of the family also, but we do it in order attempt a happy home life "for the kids". It doesn't usually work anyway, but we instinctively protect our own. Well now that they are grown, they will just have to think it out for themselves. Possibly they will see what you have given up for them . . . maybe not, but you must live for you now. Probably, even if they now feel you have a responsibility for their father, they will come around someday, and realize that as adults, we are all responsible for ourselves. Good luck.
2006-08-20 08:08:03 · answer #1 · answered by whatata2d 1 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Well I Dont Blame You For Not Taking Him Home..But As A 12 Year Old I Think Your Children have The Right To Know What They're Father Is Doing And You need 2 Explain 2 Them The Fact That Your NOT Gonna Be His Baby Sitter Because He Chooses To Get Intoxicated & Helpless..HopeFully This Helps You And Your Husband And You Have A Satisfied Realationship.
2006-08-20 07:38:01 · answer #2 · answered by - Alexis. 6 · 1⤊ 1⤋
First off, you've done all you can do. Find a lawyer that will take payments or find a self-divorce kit and get started, NOW! IT IS NOT YOUR responsiblity to take care of a grown man. Ever. Do you need looking after? They why should he? And this "alcholism is a disease is a bullsh*t excuse to enable alcoholics." They are "just fine" when it comes time to FIND the alcohol, but they need help for everything else? Kind of selective to me!
Your job is done, it is as much your childrens responsiblity as your own to take care of him, no more, no less. Get on the phone to some lawyers now and see what can be done. Also, call local women's hotline for help. Remember, 1/2 of his is YOURS, so see about paying for your divorce from your settlement! I know your thinking, I'd rather get out of the marriage than get "my fair share." But you went thru a true nightmare and deserve something to start a new life with, not by living out of a shelter, get your share BY GETTING A LAWYER! You're husband never thought of you, so YOU think of yourself!
Once again, you served in hell long enough, get out and find yourself a real life with people who aren't burdens or expect you to "handle" everything.
Good luck!
2006-08-20 07:42:58 · answer #3 · answered by AdamKadmon 7 · 2⤊ 0⤋
First of all, you need to get a divorce. You say you can't afford it? Bullshit. It doesn't cost THAT much. Besides, once you're divorced, they won't be able to assume that he is your responsibility.
Now, after you do that, let his children deal with him and his drinking problem. If they're looking the other way, is because that's how they're dealing with it.... as disfunctional as it may be.
Wish you the best.
2006-08-20 07:42:05 · answer #4 · answered by Private Account 5 · 2⤊ 0⤋
You did the right thing. In leaving him the first time and in leaving him at the party. You should find a divorce lawyer and get the papers drawn up (you don't need his signature after so many years). If he gets seriously ill, guess who gets stuck with him? Run while you still can!
2006-08-20 07:38:18 · answer #5 · answered by mJc 7 · 2⤊ 0⤋
here are some very affordable divorce sites u can do it all online for a fraction of a divorce with a lawyer hired. check it out. Your kids need to understand enough is enough they r grown now its ur time to find happiness and its not with him. goodluck been there done that too.
2006-08-20 07:42:10 · answer #6 · answered by star63_19 3 · 2⤊ 0⤋
file for the divorce if you really want and file for a waiver of fees.
you did far more than other women I know. al-anon may have helped you earlier and probably still can. it is for people who's life has been affected by another persons drinking. It may help you to explain the disease to your children. they are predisposed to have the hereditary disease.
2006-08-20 07:38:17 · answer #7 · answered by sllyjo 5 · 1⤊ 0⤋
Treat him like a kid. You are thinking on an option of divorce because you have legal rights to give divorce. What if he was your brother ? Count the years you have are going to live and than decide......After all he is the person who gave you 4 kids......Would you have left him alone if he was on deathbead due to some illness ??
2006-08-20 07:38:47 · answer #8 · answered by A A 1 · 0⤊ 2⤋
Divorce is not that expensive. If you can't live with him, then divorce and move forward. How do you expect your children to act - Remember, he's their father. It's not their problem!
2006-08-20 07:55:45 · answer #9 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋
they do get it but thats thier dad.kids always see parents as doin no wrong even if they are grown.my dad drinks alot but i see him as him and not a drunk keep your head up and it will work out.plus if you wont a divorce there is financial aid in your state that can help
2006-08-20 07:38:29 · answer #10 · answered by Anonymous · 1⤊ 0⤋