I not sure how much my heart can take?

Question

I thought my marriage would have been over about a month and a half ago but she wanted a continuance. We have been dating each other and things seem to be getting better but nothing seems to have changed. We have talked about her coming back home but the house reminds her of her infertility problems causing her great amounts of anxiety. She will not seek any kind of counseling. I have mentioned that this is our problem not just hers. I have been concentrating not only in words but actions reinforcing this. Slowly she seems to be coming around and opening up to what the real problems are. I feel like I am getting strung along. Things in our relationship are getting better, opening up and sex, but she does not seem to want deal with the main issues. In 2 wks is our final court date. I love her with all my heart. I hope and pray that she will come around but she has not done anything to make me believe that she wants to work on the real issues. Any advice or helpful thoughts?

Answer 1

Hope and pray. That, and keeps showing her you love her. Sometimes things just don't work out as we want. Sadly, that's life.

Answer 2

Well you two seem to have made progress so far but just because it's not as fast or as full as you'd have hoped for doesn't mean that she won't come round. Maybe she needs to 'practice' dealing with the minor issues before she deals with the bigger issues. However, if she is claiming that the house is causing her anxiety then she should seek counseling as it clearly needs addressing. But, on the other hand, since she is unwilling to have counseling it seems that she is being unfair to you and doesn't seem to be taking into account all of the effort you're putting into making your marriage work.
I would suggest that you continue the way you are and when the court date is due maybe she will see that it is now or never and finally decide what it is she wants. As for you, you have done all that you can and I think that that is a great quality. At least you haven't done things half heartedly and have been willing to try to make things work between you two but it's obvious she hasn't really thought about bothering...if her infertility is such a big issue that she can't even live in a certain house then I think that she should know herself that that kind of behavior needs addressing through some sort of counseling.
I wish you all the best and I hope things work out for you.

Answer 3

If she does not want to come back home because of her infertility problem then there must be a reason why she thinks that! Have you been pressuring her and making her feel like it is her fault because she is unable to give you a child! If you are then that is why she is saying that that house reminds her of it! But the fact is is that you are the one that keeps reminding her! She was living in that house when she found out about her problem! If you truly want her back home with you you should except the fact that the only person that she can truly give you, is herself! You should not make her feel guilty about something that she has no control of!!!!!!! How would you like it if it was the other way around? You should just let her know how much you love her, and even if she is unable to conceive, you will always be there! When two people take the vows of marriage they are suppose to follow them! You married her for better or worse!
Good Luck
I hope everything works out between the two of you!!!!!!!!

Answer 4

If she is asking for a continuance, then it appears that she wants to stay with you. Speaking from infertility experience, it is hard to try to conceive and not be able to. If she is not open to counseling, you could go. Sounds like you need someone to talk to also. A counselor can help you to understand what she might be going through. I know that when I found out that I had fertility problems (using husbands ID) I felt like less of a woman. Then to find out that we both had fertility issues was even harder. You cannot hold all of this in. It will only tear you up inside. Since she does not want counseling, there are websites out there that she can log on to and voice some of her feelings to others that are going through the same things. I use to frequent INCIID. A website for infertility issues. Have you tried going to a fertility specialist? Depending on the state that you live in, there are some states (not many) where insurance is mandated by law to cover infertility services (which can be very expensive). The insurance can limit certain things. I live in IL and it is one of those states. We now have a 4 year old. I did have to take Clomid to get pregnant and did suffer through 1 miscarriage. It has all been worth it. I hope that the two of you can resolve your differences and work together to get through the infertility issue. I have been there and it is hard. Do not try to force her to seek counseling. That will only push her away. She may not be ready to face the fact that she may never have any children, experience child birth, get "baby fat" for feel the movements of her son/daughter. Once she accepts that, she can then move on to possible adoption or surrogate mother (depending on your financial state). It will always hurt but only time can heal all wounds. I do not know her exact fertility issues but there may be ways that it can be helped, you just have to look for them.

Answer 5

It would help to know what the real issues are, but infertility happens to a lot of people, and it can cause major strain on a person. I agree with you that it is both of your problem, not just hers. You made a vow to her when you married her for better and worse....marriage is never easy, but sticking to those vows is priceless. She needs to not blame herself for the infertility....things happen for a reason. Maybe you could get her to go to couple's couseling? That way it wouldn't be her going directly for that issue, but it would probably come out eventually and she might be more comfy with the counseling at that point? Good luck.

Answer 6

It sounds like you are putting forth a great deal of effort and I applaud you for that. Marriage is work and there are no easy answers. If she wanted a continuance and you have been dating, that is encouraging. Its obvious she still has feeling for you. Unfortunately, the ball is in her court. If she refuses to get any kind of counseling, then its hard to say whether she will ever be willing to work on your problems. Sweeping them under the rug will never work and you both will become frustrated.
I feel for you both. Maybe you could see a counselor to help you through your troubles and perhaps that example would encourage her to see some one.
Sorry I couldn't be more help... Good Luck!!

Answer 7

I know how painful divorce can be. If she continues to refuse to get counseling my advice to you would be to go without her. If the divorce would be finalized you will probably need some support systems in place for youself to help you through a very difficult time and if the divorce is not finalized then perhaps she will see how much counseling is benefiting you over time and give it a try herself.
If there are no abuse issues or adultery issues then I am baffled as to why she refuses to get help for your marriage if she is committed to saving it.
L

Answer 8

I understand from your question that she doesn't want counseling, but that is really what she needs - for her own personal issues. The two of you should have joint counseling as well to mend your hurts.

I hope things work. Absent any sort of abuse, it is a really sad thing to see a marriage fail when the hopes and dreams of getting married are on the line.

Answer 9

I'm sorry for your troubles, you sound like a nice man, but it seems like your wife is stringing you along, & she sounds like she does need professional help. Whenever problems arise in a marriage, someone always gets hurt, & theres nothing that seems worthwhile, Its not a nice feeling, it hurts alot. It almost seems like your wife, dosent want to give you up quite yet, but she dosent want you full time either, & those are issues you will have to talk over with her, do it soon. If she wants to move on, let her, give her time to get help on her own, if she won't, try & move on with your life. Good luck !

Answer 10

You might need to be more paitent with her and keep encouraging her to go to counseling. It sounds like that is the only problem keeping her from the marriage and going back home. She is probably feeling like a failure.