I have a friend who has a really awful boyfriend. He's cheated on her multiple times (once with the 40 something mother of one of their friends) and even when he isn't cheating on her, he treats her like crap. He calls her fat and just dosn't appriciate her at all. She's a beautiful girl, really, and she dosn't need to take his ****. But she just keeps. Going. Back. To him. We, her friends, keep trying to tell her he's a sleeze and that she dosn't need him, but she won't listen, and recently has gotten very angry if she hears a bad word said about him. She's already ended a friendship with one of her friends (who she's known since 6th grade) because that friend kept trying to open her eyes to how crappy her boyfriend is.
How can someone stay with such an awful guy? How can they ignore when their friends try to save them? What do we do now?
2006-08-20 04:58:18 · 24 answers · asked by Girl Wonder 5 in Society & Culture ➔ Other - Society & Culture
Some people asked: No, she has no kids, she's 19 and the boyfriend is like 22 or something (so you see how messed up it was with him having sex with a fourty something, who has a kid the same age as them!).
2006-08-20 06:22:29 · update #1
It is not our place to save anyone.
The best you can do is hang in there with her and let her know you love her.
The more you talk against this person the more she feels she has to defend him. Basically I would say if you can't say something nice about him... don't say it.
If she has a problem and wants to talk about it ... let her talk and then ASK her what she thinks she should do about it. It has to be her idea before she will decide not to take anymore.
I would be willing to bet she has very low self esteem. Subconsciously she may even think she deserves this type of treatment.
Encourage her, help build her self-esteem by always having good to say about her. Ask your friends to join in using this approach. No guarantees it will work, but it cannot hurt.
2006-08-20 05:03:40 · answer #1 · answered by Anonymous · 1⤊ 0⤋
Ach, that's grim. Been there myself, and so have a couple of my friends.
The anger she's displaying is a self-defence mechanism - negative reinforcement - the verbal abuse and the cheating, which reinforces her worthlessness and unworthiness of anything better - may well have taken root in her psyche by now, meaning she will protect and maintain what she has with every breath that's in her because she now really feels it's the best thing she will ever be able to attain. We don't know what he's telling her about her friends and what their motivations are- if he's a particularly unpleasant specimen of humanity, which he sounds like, there's no reason to think he hasn't been briefing against her friends - 'they're making fun of you, want you to end up alone" etc.
People go on in, and back to, appalling situations because having failed to fight controlling mechanisms on their first appearance, they slide into a kind of 'alternate worldview' where the relationship is all there is - they can't see the clear sky for the clouds, essentially, and anyone who tries to tell them "Hey you, it's beautiful out here, come and play" becomes suspect.
What you can do now? Just be there. You can't pluck her out of this until the moment comes to her. There WILL be a moment, and when it comes, she'll need you, to help her take baby-steps of logic back into the light of day. Till then, just be there, and just be you. Not everyone has Wonder Girl for a friend; be there, be close, be ready. When the moment comes, she'll find the strength, with the help of her friends, to step outside. Until then, don't push it or she'll push back, as her other friend has now found out...
Not easy. Good luck.
2006-08-24 05:58:54 · answer #2 · answered by mdfalco71 6 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Oftentimes women/girls are raised to believe that they are nothing without a man. This isn't said straight out, but it's in the messages our mothers and sisters and friends and role-models send. It is very embedded in many cultures. It is a very difficult thing to learn not to do. Self-esteem must be taught to girls so they can say "NO" to abusive jerks, if it isn't taught then females think they're "lucky" just to have a man. And substandard men they often are.
I have watched a friend marry her abuser and thankfully she's divorced from that jerk now. She had it in her head to get married at all costs. After several broken engagements and feeling like she was a loser, she had to finally see one engagement through to marriage. She spent most of her marriage in women's shelters, however. So now she's been married and she got none of what she wanted out of her marriage. But she did escape alive.
When a woman is in an abusive relationship sometimes all you can do is stand by and be there for your friend. However, if you are putting your feelings and your life on hold while you focus on her problem you will want to read up on co-dependency (I always recommend Melody Beattie's books) and you can loan the book to your friend.
Good luck to both of you.
2006-08-20 12:19:37 · answer #3 · answered by Polly 4 · 2⤊ 0⤋
My sister and I have a friend just like that. It took us a long time to keep showing her that her baby daddy was crap. She would try to compare our relationships, she would say she didn't want to be alone. She felt like he was the only one who would be with her. She always tried to mention the (little) good he "did" for her. He beat her, miss treated her kids, almost broke some bones, just destroy who she used to be. We could not completely help her. We kept exposing her to good things and good people and eventually she started to let him go. But he kept trying to come back. Well unfortunately, she waited too late to get rid of him. Her only baby girl was molested byhim. When the signs are there to let someone go, Leave before it's too late. If your friend has kids, tell her if she cares at all, GET OUT! But if she doesn't, tell her you can't keep watching this happen to her. Give her a choice between all of you and him. If she chooses him, Let her know that if she needs you call anytime, but that you can't stand and watch her die slowly. Make her know exactly how you feel. Make her feel it. Also in a conversation bring up what happened to other women who dealt with buttheads like him. Show her there are real men out there, you can't go looking for them, they will find you. Good Luck.
2006-08-20 12:21:55 · answer #4 · answered by butterfly 2 · 0⤊ 0⤋
In college I dated a guy for over 2 years who treated me just as poorly. I was so insecure, and didn't feel I deserved any better. I'm very happy to be free of that feeling now, as my self-esteem is at a much healthier level. :)
What got me away from him? I met a guy who treated me so well that I married him. LOL. We're divorced now, but on good terms. And hey, he got me out of that negative cycle with the ex-bf.
As for what to do about your friend, that's a tough one. Obviously telling her the negative traits about her boyfriend isn't working. I would just focus on her, and telling her what she deserves. Not as in "you deserve better than that jerk", but maybe something like "You are such a wonderful person, and deserve a guy who treats you with respect, and that you trust, etc etc etc." Then ask her if she feels her current bf meets these needs. Maybe it'll get her to think about it on her own.
2006-08-21 17:22:47 · answer #5 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋
Some people want abuse, and no matter what we do to try to fix the problem, they return to the same mess. I don't know what help or aid is available in your State, but in Florida, there is little help. I know she is a friend but sometimes you just have to turn your back to a problem that can't be solved. I went through this with my son and his wife. She was wacko but he persisted. She cheated on him, lied, drank, neglected her kids, smoked marijuana, and the rest of her family was the same. I tried to talk him out of the relationship before marriage...but of course he thought I was full of .... and it got worse. It became worse, she broke up the family, and now I am at odds with son so much that I live in another country because that b....h was unbearable.. I am sorry to say this but close your heart. It isn't worth the pain!
2006-08-20 12:13:23 · answer #6 · answered by Frank 6 · 1⤊ 1⤋
You've done your part - there's nothing else you can do. If she doesn't believe you or trust your opinion, then that's it. She's just stubborn and has her mind set on him. There may be someting else going on. Maybe he's abusing her, or doing something else that she can't help. But either way, she's a needy friend. If she constantly complains about him but then defends him, end the friendship. That can't be the only thing you talk about with her and your other friends. Her life can't take over yours.
2006-08-20 12:08:49 · answer #7 · answered by I L♥VE YOU! 3 · 1⤊ 0⤋
Since you have no way of forcing her to end the relationship, you have two choices - 1. Simply be there for her while she figures out what she wants and needs in her life or 2. If it truly bothers you to watch this take place, then perhaps you need to remove yourself from the situation until she has made the decision to leave. She's got to help herself before others can help her.
2006-08-20 12:07:08 · answer #8 · answered by notachia 2 · 2⤊ 0⤋
You know how some women are...they always go for the jerks, and seem to enjoy being mistreated. It sounds like your friend has very low self-esteem and needs counseling. What can you do for her? I guess just be there for her when he hurts her again. Just listen and be a shoulder she can cry on! Good Luck!
2006-08-20 12:05:54 · answer #9 · answered by kturner5265 4 · 0⤊ 0⤋
That's a good question. But in a nutshell, or perhaps Laymen terms, it's a result of training. She's been with him for so long, and been punished by him for so long, and manipulated too, that she's trained. He trained her. But if you could, some how trick her into moving to another city , and trick her to fall for a better guy (or even trick her into goin back to the previous guy and falling for him, ) it might work- just might.
2006-08-20 12:07:03 · answer #10 · answered by Anonymous · 1⤊ 0⤋