what to do?

Question

ok well, ive been dating this guy since April and we happened to fall in love with each other. this is the first guy i have ever fallen in love with except the only problem is that he is black and my parents are racist, my bf doesnt kno that however, and they still havent met. i dnt want to tell them about him cuz i dont want them to try to tear us apart but if i dont tell them i wonder if my bf will become offended, also i dont kno if the best thing would be to tell him about the situation bc it might hurt his feelings.....i dont kno....if u were in this situation what do u think would be the best thing to do?

Answer 1

Question 1: How old are you? If you are over the age of consent (18) then they really have nothing to say in the matter - you are an ADULT and as such you are quite capable of making your own decisions. One caveat: If you're still living at home they may have more sway over you than you would otherwise have to suffer (as in, you can't just hang up the phone and not speak to them anymore).
However, if you are not an adult, you should abide by their wishes on whom you see and fraternize with.

Question 2: How VERY racist are your parents?
If they are one step away from being KKK members, you've got a problem. However, if they are modern and progressive, they may be more accepting than you think they're going to be. It will all depend on your presentation of the situation.

If I were you, this is what I would do:
I would sit down with the BF and give him a full heads-up on the situation, and why you've not introduced him to your parents. Sure he's going to be upset, but gently remind him that (obviously) your views on skin color and bigotry do not reflect those of your parents.

Assuming you are not living at home, the next step would be to set up a dinner date for the four of you in a nice restaurant. People are less likely to become aggitated and make a scene in a NICE public place. This will give all of you time to politely come to grips with the "problem" at hand.

Above all else, do NOT start getting all upset and angry and screaming. This will only exacerbate the problem of them accepting your BF. It may not be very smooth or calm, but it can happen.
At worst, you are just going to have to accept that your parents are not approving of your relationship and they may never do so. But that does NOT mean that the four of you cannot be civil to each other at public gatherings; if it comes down to it, simply limit your time with them.

Answer 2

First, you should have mentioned this to him back in April, about your parents. He had a right to know your parents are racists, and it should have been his choice, as well as yours, whether to pursue a relationship with you knowing what he had in front of him to overcome.

Damage done now if both of you are in love. You need to talk to your parents BY YOURSELF, first. Take each one separately and talk to them about your BF. Tell them how much you like him, all his fine qualities, what you get out of the relationship and any plans for the future you are making. Let them absorb your love for this guy. When they start asking questions about him tell them the truth, don't make a big deal about him being black wanting them to except him. Don't make it an ultimatum that either they except him or lose you, that just makes things worse, ask them to meet him, get to know him before passing judgments. Let them know that every person is a human being and love does not look at the color of ones hair or their eye color or their skin color, it comes from the heart.

Answer 3

I am married to a black man and I have very white parents. The best things to do is talk to your parents. They will not be to happy at first but if this man treats you well and they can learn to see that you and he really care for each other in time they will at least learn to respect him. They may never like or accept the choice you have made and they are intitled to their feelings. Don't throw anything in their faces and remember that even if they decide to not have anything to do with you and him together in time they will. I have always dated black men and I have found one that is fantastic, we have 2 beautiful girls. You can be happy in your decision you just have to remember that this is your life and not theirs. But why haven't you told him about your parents? You are not being fair to the man that you say you are in love with. He needs to know what he will be facing. And he might chose to just not meet them right away too. Honesty is the only way to go. Tell them all and then let your love for this relationship show your family that you are happy and that you are both good for each other. Best of Luck to you!!!!! And enjoy what you have.

Answer 4

My husband is black. I told him about how racist my parents were when I first met him. You should not keep things, especially important things like that from the person you are in love with. Unfortunately my parents, especially my dad will not accept him. My dad hasn't talked to me since he found out. And he has never met him. I love both my husband and parents. But I realize that its my parents loss if they want to be stupid about the situation. I'm an adult and make my own decisions, and if they can't accept that, then thats their problem.

Answer 5

If I were you, I'd tell your boyfriend that your parents are racist and ask if he still wants to meet them. If he doesn't then just keep your relationship a secret until you are a bit older and your parents have no say. If he doesn't care if they are racist then introduce them and face their racism together. If you are truly in love then your parents won't be able to take that away from you. Observe the ignorance of your parents racism together but in fascination instead of in a state of offence. I mean who cares what your parents think. If they diss you, then it is their problem, not yours! Good luck Hon. Hope your parents love and respect you enough to come through for you.

Answer 6

u cannot just come out and tell them. ask them casually or just tell them that a friend of ur ( white) is dating a black man and he is treating her better than any man has ever treated her. see hoe they react. then tell them u have a friend that u love very much and have been dating for a while. dont tell them he is black make them happy that u r in love. then after a few days sent them a picture od both of u and see what they say. if u love him thats all that matters i know how important it is that ur parents approve but when after a while they see thay u r happy they also have to understand. give them time thats all u can do

Answer 7

Have you seen "Guess Who's Coming To Dinner" ? the movie was made in the 60's. Parent's fear for their children's well being. His parents may feel the same way.
If you are becoming that serious in your relationship, then the two of you need to have a serious conversation in regards to where you plan to go with the relationship. You can't hide each other.

Answer 8

Not telling him about the situation could cause problems between you and him. Sit him down and let him know that no matter what you love him and really care for him. I think the truth is always the best route, but if you feel different.

Answer 9

Your parents are the ones at fault here racisim is ignorance. You need to decide who is important to you, although you should tell your boyfriend the situation, keeping him in the dark is hurtful. At least you do not have the same prejudice as your parents. Good Luck

Answer 10

Well, I think I'd be honest with him and honest with your parents and see where it goes. If you tell your parents, maybe you'd be surprised and they'd be ok with it. Maybe not though, but at least you are being on the level with them.

I'd tell him too, after telling your parents and see how he handles it. If parents freaked, then boyfriend needs to know. If parents are willing to try to get over their feelings of racisim, then it is still only fair to tell your boyfriend that they might be hard to deal with.

Part of it depends how old you are too. If you are still young enough for your parents to control you to a greater extent, ie: forbid you to see him...then you have to listen to them to some extent... But if you are old enough to do things for yourself, I wouldn't worry about them too much.