Is a 15 year age gap between partners a big deal?

Question

Iv been seeing this guy for a good few months now. The problem is Im 19 hes 34. I know my parents would freak if they found out. I feel embaressed and ashamed. Am I in the wrong?

Answer 1

A 15 year gap between a couple can, indeed, be a "big deal." If you are "embarassed and ashamed," then it is already a big deal. (For one thing, people who are in their mid-thirties rarely forgo the use of punctuation and spelling as in "I've" or "he is.") But more importantly, you are at the end of your 'teens and he is not far from middle age. Currently, THAT is a "big deal." Your music is different; your mode of communication is different; your view of the world is quite different; your experience in the world is completely different; your politics are likely very different.... so after the blush of a "few months" has worn off, WHAT will you have in common ?

When you are 40 and he is 55, it's still pretty different .... but less so. When you are 55 and he is 70, ....hell, I'm thinkin' that 15 years is always going to cause a problem here. Truthfully, I think about 10 years is the max for differences in ago - if you want a real relationship.

And there's the key, kiddo. The female almost always wants a "relationship"....one with caring and sharing and communication. And that's hard to do with some guy who is that much older than she. Guys....well, as my guy mentioned to me the other day (and he is 5 years older than I) "there's not a guy around who doesn't 'get' the attraction of 'Stepford Wives....' What he means is that, at the basic core, a guy doesn't turn to a female for companionship - if he needs someone to talk to (and they rarely do), they will seek out a guy for a minimalist conversation. Men - for the most part (and there are exceptions and every woman I know thinks she has "the exception") - for the most part think of women as sexual partners....men who marry young (before age 34) marry because of that and sometimes because of a strong primal urge to have children. After 34-35, men who get married usually do so because they like being married....they like being taken care of.....they like not doing a lot of housework.....they like not having to cook.....they like not having to grocery shop......and they like having ready sex that they don't have to "woo" and "court."

So you are dating a guy who has some awfully young "arm candy" --- you. I don't mean to say that he doesn't treat you right or make you feel good because it is likely he does, but the question is whether you have a connected, sharing, equal, sustainable relationship with him or if he treats you well just because he likes your youth.

It would, at your age, be hard for you to tell.

You're 19! You should be dating guys who are 18-23, max. You should be enjoying what you both enjoy - fending off their advances, flirting, being happy. You should not be "embarassed and ashamed."

Your parents would "freak."
I would guess so.
Rightfully so.

Answer 2

That has to be a cultural thing. Here the age gap is a lot larger. My parents would have been happy if I had dated 19 year olds or even 21 year olds when I was 16 because it would have been considered as normal. Perhaps the difference is that it's legal for us to have sex at the age of 15? You're mature enough to have sex and people don't look at you as a child anymore. Compared to the places that have the 18 year old limit and you're supposed to be a child until you turn 18 and suddenly is an adult, somehow. I actually opened your question expecting to see an age difference of 10-15 years, maybe even 20 years. The difference matters when you are 50 and your partner is 70, your still in the middle of your life and your partner is experiences all the problems of ageing. I have to add, it's legal for us to have sex at 15 and we have far less teen pregnancies than the USA as an example. Kids don't have kids just because the sex is legal.

Answer 3

My mother is 15 years younger than my father. They had no problems with it (my father died August 21,2005 from cancar)They were never ashamed of it. My parents together was the best thing for both of them. The age diffenence was always funny to them. My father would talk about when he was growing up and then look at my mother and say your mother was'nt around yet. The relationship was longer than 24 years. They adopted kids and then he got cancar battled it for 3 years and died. His age difference made no diffenence to them. They loved each other and thats all that mattered. If your ashamed then maybe you should'nt be with the guy. But if you love him then your parents should'nt say anything. If your happy with him and they see that , then no harm done. They want there little girl to be happy if its with a 34 year old man so be it. They should except that. Your a grown women and makeing your own choices. What you do is your business.

Answer 4

Man, this is a hard one. It really depends on the people in the situation. I mean, are you a mature 19 year old, or a "Girls Gone Wild" kind of girl. (nothin wrong with that by the way) And id he a respectible decent man, or an old pervert???There are many other factors too, like do you guys have common interests, and how do you really feel about him deep down? Also think about the future. Do you want kids. say you have a kid at 25...He'lll be 40...When your child is 10, You'll be 35...Your man will be 50...When your child graduates, Youl be 43...Your man will be 58. I know I am getting way ahead, its just some stuff to consider. Another thing...If you live your life worrying about what others think, and trying to please everybody else, you'll never be happy. This is your decision to make.

Answer 5

If you feel embarrassed and ashamed then you are having doubts about it. Love is blind it sees no age, no race, and no sex. I was 19 and I married a man that was 44. There is nothing wrong with it in my eyes. We were together for 5 years when he passed away from a car accident. My mother freaked out over it and I asked her how old where you when you were with my dad? There is 15 years difference between them. I told her then you have no room to talk so except it.

Answer 6

honey, it isn't wrong at all! i was 18 and he was 34 when i first met my ex-boyfriend.
my parents didn't approve of the age difference but i didn't care, it was my choice and i carried on seeing him.
im now 20 and he's 36. we have a baby now. but are no longer together. but we had a good long relationship. and it was special while it lasted!
as long as you don't see a problem with the age difference then it is fine.
its about how he makes you feel, the fun you have and how he treats you.
he is older but when it boils down to it, your both adults.
some older guys admittedly like to take advantage of younger girls. so be careful about that. but if you know that he isn't then there is no problem.
just feel special that you have a nice older man to take care of you.
you can learn things from each other.
all though later on in the relationship he may start to drift and start wanting different things. he may not. you may grow stronger in your relationship. and prove that big age gap relationships do actually work if both you and him are mature enough and work hard at it.
good luck with telling mum and dad. they may not approve at first but give it a a while. invite him round for dinner or something or all go out for lunch and let them get to know him. they'll soon love/like him like you do. and im sure they'll eventually realise that he'll take care of there daughter and won't worry so much.

Answer 7

I think it is a big deal because you are a generation apart. What interests you might not interest him and so forth. As the relationship matures compatibility really plays a role in whether you will continue to keep a strong bond w/ each other. If you go all the way w/ this person, by the time you're 35 he'll be 50. You're probably going to cheat on him because he won't be able to satisfy you anymore in many ways. If you ask me, it's just not worth the trouble..... look for someone closer to your age, there's plenty of fish in the sea

Answer 8

Well I can say this, when I was 19 I was dating a 31 yr old man. I thought my parents would freak too. I talked to my Mom first before I introduced him to her. She really liked him as well. It's really not a big deal at first, because love doesn't know age. But it does eventually become a big deal. I've dated two older men, they worked out for awhile but never lasted. Mainly because they become possessive of their pretty young trophies. Trust me! Another thing is, think to yourself.......why is this older man so attracted to me? And if this older man is attracted to me, is he attracted to little girls? I often wondered that when I was with the 2 older men I dated. You shouldn't feel ashamed at all. You should talk to your Mom about it, see what she says. Best of Luck to you!

Answer 9

No, not at all. Age is meaningless. The only determinant in your relationship should be compatibility. If you are compatible, and both of you are mature enough to make intelligent decisions, then there is nothing wrong with being in a loving relationship. Love is free like that. You can't choose who you love, your heart does that for you.

Choice. Don't let people embarass you, for they have no right to judge your chosen lifestyle. If you love this man, you should keep him because he's ultimately the one you may live with for the rest of your life, not your parents.

Parents are here to raise you, nurture you, NOT to restrain you and put you in their socially constrictive shackles. They have their own opinions, and you're entitled to yours. Hopefully, your parents will accept him and you... and people that you love. But even so, if they don't, it's your life to live, not theirs.

Hope this was a bit helpful.

Answer 10

Not a big deal! I'm 48 my wife is 22. Been married four years now. Who cares what your parents and family thinks. You have to start living your life for you and not your family. You're 19 now, you are an adult and can do what you wish. I have no problems with mine or my wife's family. If I did I could care less. I'm even 2 years older than my Father-in-law.