Who knows any quotes that are funny(either long or short)?

Answer 1

Chinese Proverbs are always funny to me here are some,
1. Virginity like bubble, one prick, all gone.

2. Man who run in front of car get tired.

3. Man who run behind car get exhausted.

4. Man with hand in pocket feel cocky all day.

5. Foolish man give wife grand piano, wise man give wife upright organ.

6. Man who walk through airport turnstile sideways going to Bangkok.

7. Man with one chopstick go hungry.

8. Man who scratch *** should not bite fingernails.

9. Man who eat many prunes get good run for money.

10. Baseball is wrong: man with four balls cannot walk.

11. Panties not best thing on earth but next to best thing on earth.

12. War does not determine who is right, war determine who is left.

13. Wife who put husband in doghouse soon find him in cat house.

14. Man who fight with wife all day get no piece at night.

15. It take many nails to build crib, but one screw to fill it.

16. Man who drive like hell, bound to get there.

17. Man who stand on toilet is high on pot.

18. Man who live in glass house should change clothes in basement.

19. Man who fish in other man's well often catch crabs.

20. Man who fart in church sit in own pew.

21. Crowded elevator smell different to midget.

22. Man who drop watch in toilet have shitty time.

23. Man who finger girl having period get caught red handed.

24. Man trapped in pantry have *** in jam.

25. Man who go to bed with itchy butt wake up with smelly finger.

26. Learn to masturbate -- come in handy.

27. Man who buy drowned cat must pay for wet pussy.

28. It is good for girl to meet boy in park, but better for boy to park meat in girl.

29. Man who **** in cash register come into money.

30. Woman who pounce on dead rooster go down on limp cock.

Answer 2

This came from my friend:

"9 Things I Hate About Everyone
1. People who point at their wrist while asking for the time.... I know where my watch is pal, where the hell is yours? Do I point at my crotch when I ask where the toilet is?
2. People who are willing to get off their *** to search the entire room for the T.V. remote because they refuse to walk to the T.V. and change the channel manually.
3. When people say "Oh you just want to have your cake and eat it too". Damn right! What good is cake if you can't eat it?
4. When people say "it's always the last place you look". Of course it is. Why the hell would you keep looking after you've found it? Do people do this? Who and where are they? Gonna kick their asses!
5. When people say, while watching a film, "Did you see that?". No, Loser, I paid $12 to come to the cinema and stare at the damn floor.
6. People who ask "Can I ask you a question?".... Didn't really give me a choice there, did ya, Sunshine?
7. When something is "new and improved!"...Which is it? If it's new, then there has never been anything before it. If it's an improvement, then there must have been something before it, so it couldn't be new.
8. When people say "life is short". What the hell?? Life is the longest damn thing anyone ever experiences!! What can you do that's longer?
9. When you are waiting for the bus and someone asks "Has the bus come yet?". If the bus came would I be standing here, Dumb-***?"

Answer 3

Happiness isn't good enough! I demand euphoria! -Calvin and Hobbes
"Don't be a sheep. People hate sheep. They eat sheep." Not sure, you could google it.

There's a really good quotes site- thinkexist.com You just put in your search criteria and it will come back with a whole list of quotes.

Answer 4

True love is hard to find, sometimes you think you have true love and then you catch the early flight home from San Diego and a couple of nude people jump out of your bathroom blindfolded like a goddamn magic show ready to double team your girlfriend...
from the movie "Old School"

Answer 5

Reputedly on the British comedian Spike Milligan's tombstone:"I TOLD YOU I WAS ILL". RIP Forever.

Answer 6

I have two favorites. The first is Jane Austen who said "I do not want people to be agreeable, as it saves me the trouble of liking them." (she would do well on this site)
The second is John McDonald, the writer, who said "I'm afraid to pray anymore for fear God will notice me."

Answer 7

An old wise Brazilian man once said comva' si tao blodidas fungo tuminta which roughly translates to be nice to your neighbors you never know who your bumming wireless internet from.......LOL

Answer 8

"Putting a preposition at the end of a sentence is something up with which I will not put." --attributed to Winston Churchill

Answer 9

"You know Ken, it takes an awful big man to kick my ***. But it don't take him long."--Leroy "Slim" Stabler

Answer 10

Remember me.I would take you on a date.oops,You think I'm joking