I would like to hear someone else's opinion...My fiance and I have a great relationship and she really is a great, caring person. The problem is that she can care too much at times. Her brothers have always struggled with drug addictions and they recently have both hit rock bottom. She is nothing like either of them when it comes to lifestyles. She went to go stay with them because she wan'ted to help them. I understand why she did but knew that it wasn't going to solve anything. Needless to say, she is falling apart and beginning to act irrationally. I can see her falling apart and it is really effecting our relationship. What can I do to get her to realize that she isn't helping them and that even though they are her family and she cares about them it isn't her resoncibility to help them. All I can see is that their problems are becomming her problems and things are just getting worse. I don't want the same thing to happen to me from trying to help her. Suggestions?
2006-08-19 19:13:21 · 10 answers · asked by John W 1 in Family & Relationships ➔ Other - Family & Relationships
i was the same way with my sister...i cried all the time bailed her out of jail...gave rides....money...food and it effected my relationship....but one day my boyfriend asked me while watching tv...he asked ..".what can you do....that you haven't already done?"....i had no answers...i just sat there...after a while he gave me a kiss on my head and left(not me...just the room) and gave me time to think...thats all I needed....it hurts us...we care and feel like if we weren't there...they would die...i have come to realize I can't protect her all her life and things happen...as much as i want to...i can't...the more I helped..it let her know there was someone there to fall back on...so she never tried...i hear of her every now and then...i ask about her...but haven't spoken to her in over 7 years...she makes her own life what it is....i want to make my own....
2006-08-19 19:25:20 · answer #1 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋
That's a tough one for sure.
It's hard to try and step in to keep things from being derailed between you and she, because then you look selfish, even though you aren't trying to be. And she has a right to help her family.
I guess I tend to think that she should try and help them, and you should help her help them.....but only to a point. You cannot help those that don't want help. She also can't undermine things between you two by refusing to give up.
In essence I am saying that you should support her and help her do this for a while. She will become resentful toward you if you don't take part. She may tend to listen to you more later when you tell her that 'enough is enough'.
It's good to try and help. It's good to try and step in and get involved in a troublesome situation like this, but the poison of the whole thing is that it spreads to everything it touches......the brothers, then her, then you two.
She has to understand this, but, like I said, I don't think she will respond very well to you if you are a by-stander. Pitch in and help...for a while, and if it doesn't go anywhere, then you need to tell her to drop it and let them be to their devices.
Jesus says that one should help each other. Plant the seeds, spread the Good News (His word), but if you travel to a town (the brothers in this case) and they don't want to hear the Good News (accepting your help), then leave town and tap the dust off your shoes as you leave, meaning; leave things be.
Good luck to you both.
2006-08-19 19:29:25 · answer #2 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋
If you really love her, take her to 6 alanon meetings. She will learn what she needs to do. As far as you go, if you love someone you're there for them, so make sure you go with her. We can't change anyone. All we can do is educate ourselves & pray. I can tell you a lot about addicts & alcoholics, but it's best you both go to at least 6 meetings & find out. They're are steps you have to follow. Being there for her is not quite the same thing she's going through. When we love someone, we want to save them , but that's something only God can do. Good luck & be patient with her. She doesn't understand yet.
2006-08-19 19:37:06 · answer #3 · answered by Patsy L 1 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Beause they are family, there is a responsibility to help. She did the first step by going down their and staying witht them. If that has yet to work, then she should try a new option. One good idea is an intervention center. They are spread out across the country, and many have good success rates. As for you, You must be supportive and hel her with her cause. It will increase the chances of success. What if this was your bro or sis? Wouldn't you try your best to help them?
2006-08-19 19:21:36 · answer #4 · answered by CHAD K 2 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Level with her. Tell her she can't "save" people from themselves. She can't watch them 24/7 and they have to want to get better. Tell her she is putting your future together in jeopardy. She needs to live her own life, not theirs. They are responsible for their own lives. Her going to stay with them is like putting a tiny band-aid over a gaping wound. It doesn't even remotely help, it's just getting bled on. Their crap is flowing onto her now. She's endangering her future by putting it on hold for people who likely don't even appreciate or want her help. Her brothers' drug addiction is out of her control. They are the only ones who can keep themselves clean. She needs to get into counseling because their problems have obviously affected her. If that doesn't work, you may have a difficult decision to make.
2006-08-19 19:29:20 · answer #5 · answered by mytreacheryiseternal 4 · 0⤊ 0⤋
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2016-11-05 05:13:48 · answer #6 · answered by ? 4 · 0⤊ 0⤋
thats a tough one..
well, try to explain to her that all she is doing is being their crutch and they will never recover without some form of tough love or professional help
you could step in and when they are all messed up call an ambulance for them and make them think they are goin to die if they dont go, tell them you think they got some bad stuff otherwise they may refuse treatment
i know it sounds mean but who cares, this must stop!
your fiance is getting slapped in the face with her own kindness and that isnt right
good luck
2006-08-19 19:26:48 · answer #7 · answered by tirsh61350 3 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Just tell her what you are telling all of us. Just be honest with her and tell her how you feel about the situation. If she wants to stay and help her brothers then let her and don't argue with her about it cuz that will just make your relationship worse. If she's made up her mind on what she wants to do you can't change it for her all you can do is be there for her when she needs you. Just don't give up.
2006-08-19 19:24:20 · answer #8 · answered by Lindsay 2 · 0⤊ 0⤋
As much as she loves and cares about her brothers ..They are the only ones that can help themselves and until they realize they need help , your gf or nobody is going to be of any help..Tell her she isn't wrong to care and check on them, but trying to be their savior isn't going to work..
2006-08-19 19:20:31 · answer #9 · answered by Mrs. M 5 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Be honest to her...she needs to know that in order for them to get help they have to help themselves first...she loves them I understand but I believe she just has to leave them be...as for you...You might just have to leave her cause she wont ever get it...unless you pray for her and them and you need to go get Counseling before you think of marrying her...or it won't work..good luck...
2006-08-19 19:23:44 · answer #10 · answered by qdrama1956 5 · 0⤊ 0⤋