How do you give up on love and forget about finding a relationship?

Question

I am a 29 gay male and I have never had a relationship. When I was 11 both of my kidneys failed. This chronic illness has ruined my body thru massive steriod treatments, surgeries, scars and stretch marks. I have been thru so much and all I wanted to do was to find someone to understand me and love me and be able to do the same for them. In a world of men that objectify beauty and perfection I am wondering where I fit in. I am a good person but that doesnt seem to be enough. I just want to know how to shut that part of my heart and and stop wanting to be loved. Can someone tell me how to give up on love?

Answer 1

This is a most fabulous question and I’m going to take you seriously. I believe that it is a wonderful thing for you to want to “let go” of a debilitating desire that is hurting you.

You wanted to love and be loved and that’s certainly the most human of things. You have been hurting because of the lack of fulfillment of that deep need. Well, join the millions and millions. You want to quit suffering and just get over the wanting, right? Okay, what I think is the best thing is to focus on all the positives about NOT having Mr.X.

You do not have to worry about Mr. X lying to you or taking his love away. You do not have to worry about where he is. You don’t have to be pulled down because he is depressed. You have a tremendous amount of psychological freedom that you would not have if you were deeply involved emotionally in a love relationship. No one can betray you. WOW - BETRAYAL PROOF!!! Congratulations. Not a lot of people feel that way. Anyone of the face of this earth can have sex with anyone else and it doesn’t hurt your feelings. That’s pretty invincible. That’s not such a bad place to be.

Next case: How many people have a partner but their relationship isn’t all that lovey-dovey supportive? Hello - how about millions and millions! Their honey isn’t all starry-eyed for them but rather that other person is critical and judgmental and moody, etc. etc. etc. Love relationships are not all bliss, in fact many of them have no bliss at all. Usually there’s a whole load of pain involved. This is pain you can skip. Spend time reading about troubled relationships. Every relationship counselor out there, every book, will say how “it isn’t easy” and “it takes work” and “you have to compromise...” All the relationship books aren’t just saying “congratulations” no! All the relationship books, websites etc. are all saying what a lot of work it is to be in a relationship and how much struggle and pain it can be. They are all saying how the pain of a break-up can be the most devastating thing in a person’s life. Read it all for yourself. If relationships were so very great why would so many people be in pain, pain, PAIN?!?!

Okay so that’s one thing - get grateful that you don’t have a moody, negative, judgmental person who you are hooked “in-love” with. Really, be thankful. An attitude of gratitude will go a long way towards making people feel better. You don’t really need a love partner to have a wonderful life. There are a lot of things to enjoy in life and without a partner (i.e. ball-and-chain) you can do much more of what you want when you want how you want.

This all said, none of it means that you can’t take the plunge if and when you have the opportunity. You can always chuck away your freedom for love if you find someone and you want to risk your heart. Meanwhile, you can feel happy that, as a single person, you are free from the thing that causes the most heart-ache and misery on earth. You don’t really need someone to validate you or approve you. You are fine without a soul-mate a good bit of that stuff is just a myth, there’s a high price to pay for trying to live as a loving couple and often the price is too high and Mr. X isn’t what he was cracked-up to be. When you feel sad about not being loved check out the online places where people lament over the pain they are in concerning the rejection and betrayal and abuse their “loved ones” subject them to. See if you don’t feel better about just hanging with your true blue - YOU! You will never leave you, you will never quit loving you - you have yourself and if you’ll love yourself then you’ve got someone right there you can always count on!

Finally, make lots and lots of non-sexual friends. The happiest people I know are people who are single with lots to keep them busy. Try giving your time to those in need. Spend your time with people who are suffering and try to help them - perhaps volunteering at a hospital or something like that. Giving really feels good. You’ll get love even if it’s not the kind we see in the movies. I heard a great thing once: A fellow was dying and he said he realized that nobody can really climb into our boat with us. We are born alone and we die alone but it is comforting to look out across the water and see all the other lights from all the other boats bobbing in the night. Maybe that’s what you are doing tonight by posting here. You’re not alone really, no more than all of us are really alone no matter how tightly we cling to the boat next to ours. Choose your thoughts. They don’t just happen you choose them. When you are thinking in a way that’s hurting you, notice it and choose a different focus to think about. Choose to think about the things you are grateful for and choose to think about what you can give, what you can do to make a positive difference in the lives of others. It’s the best thing you can do for yourself.

Answer 2

The one thing that you need to remember is that everyone is worthy of love. You are a special person that has had alot of hard issues in your life and you are a survivor and not alot of people can say that about themselves. You can. So sit back and live your life the best way you know how. Stay true to yourself and what you know to be real. One day your love will come but make sure that you arent looking the other way. If you close yourself off to love and close your heart to what you know that you deserve in life then you wont find it. Just relax and stop looking for something that will find you. You should never look to others to rectify a situation that you have lived. Stand proud in who you are and one day the love you search for will come. It doesnt matter what you look like or how rich you are or what simple-minded people think of you. It is however about what you think of yourself. Be proud of the person you are today and portray that to the world. Good luck sweetie.

Answer 3

You don't give up on love, because someday it will find you when you least expect it, and you should always be open to that. You sound like a sweet guy, and I'm sure there's someone else out there looking for someone just like you, so don't give up hope. Just be yourself and put yourself out there trying to get to know other people. Good luck.

Answer 4

Love is a gift given to us by our creator. Its free . you either received it or give it or both... Love comes in many forms and dimensions. Perhaps you have specific category of LOVE you want to receive. Why not try doing it the other way ... Give that love and im sure you will be rewarded back.

Answer 5

Never give up on love. I'm 39 and have never been in a relationship either. I think that I've tried to pursue love too much. I'm learning to love MYSELF, and the rest will follow. Dwelling on our imperfections ( as we see them) is only a deterrent to finding the love we deserve.

Answer 6

Dude, never give up on love. NEVER. There is always someone out there for you. You just have'nt found the person or they have'nt found you. Please just have some faith and that will keep you going, everyday. Now if your 60 years old and your asking the same question, then I would tell you to give up lol !

Answer 7

I'm wanting to know the same thing but i don't think it is possible to shut down any part of your heart.

Answer 8

there is no way to do it. Homosapiens are creatures that rely on love for many different things.

Sorry love. You'll find someone. Give it time (terribly cliche statement, isn't it?)

Answer 9

I wish that i could give up on love because love is complete hell and is always putting me through pain. I envy you because of your life without love; when you don't have it, you want it. When you have it, you envy the people who don't have to put up with it. Good luck on giving up on it.

Answer 10

everyone needs to be loved. but everyone does not find that special someone. But a good friend, a close family member, can be invaluable assests to our lives.