How can I help my kids deal with the death of their father?

Question

I HAVE TWO KIDS THAT ARE 7 AND 10. THEIR FATHER WAS KILLED .AT TIMES THEY HAVE EPISODES WHERE THEY CRY ALL DAY MISSING HIM OR ACT OUT IN RAGE BY FIGHTING. I REALLY DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO OR SAY WHEN THEY ARE SAD LIKE THAT. MY FRIENDS TELL ME NOT TO TELL MY KIDS THAT HE IS IN HEAVEN,THEY FEEL LIKE I AM NOT LETTING MY KIDS MOURN HIS DEATH. SOME PEOPLE SUGEST THAT I TALK TO THEM ABOUT HIS DEATH AND LET THEM KNOW HOW HE DIED. I'M CONFUSED AND I REALLY DON'T KNOW HOW TO DEAL WITH THIS.ANY SUGESTIONS?

Answer 1

My father died when I was a little girl, and up until now, I haven't really gotten over it. He and my mom split up when I was 2, and as a result, she threw away all of his pictures; I had nothing to remember him by. I only had a few treasured memories, until I got too old to remember. Tell them to remember all the good times they had together and to not forget them. Keep all the pictures you had of him where they were before he died. There's no need to hide them. Yes, it will make them sad, but it's part of the mourning prosess. As you have probably heard, it usually takes about a year for them to get over it. Well it's not true. You never really do get over it, you just forget sometimes what has happened, but you never forget him.
As soon as my father died, my grandpa and grandma took care of me. They never talked about it, and being a little girl, I was confused about the whole situation. The longer you wait, the harder it will be to explain to them what happened to him. Yes, tell him that he has passed away, but that it is not a bad thing because death is not the end, but the next step in the circle of life. That he is not really gone, but will always remain in your hearts, and memories. No one can ever take his job. No one. But the world is filled with wonderful people that will always be there for them when they need it.
They say that your real parents are the ones who raise you, and take care of you and love you. People used to tell me that my grandfather was my father. I loved him with all my heart, but I also remembered my real dad, and thought that if I thought of my grandpa as my father, I would somehow be betraying him. But it's OK, because you can have more than one father in life. Just as long as you remember the other one, and not forget him. My dad was my father, but so was my grandpa.
Grandpa died a year and a half ago, but I haven't gotten over it. I never got a chance to say goodbye and that really got to me. I miss him a lot, but I'm not the sort of person who shows their emotions too much. Or at all. Your children crying is perfectly normal. I used to cry hours on end and act out in rage too. I prefered to do it alone. If they are like that, give them space, and let them decide for themselves what to think of his death. But always be there in case they want to open up to you. Don't let them blame themselves for what happened to him. And talk to them about him, let them talk to you too. All you can really do for them at this point, is be there for them, and show them that they are not alone. Yes, let them know how he died and answer all their questions as honestly as you can. Let them mourn, and let them know that it's OK to feel sad and mad sometimes. I wouldn't tell them that he is up in heaven. They might try to do something drastic to go and join him.
When my grandfather died, the pain became too unbearable. They say it hurts when someone close to you dies. Well guess what? they're not metaphorically speaking. It really literally hurts. It's like a big, sharp, hard knife is stabbing you right in the heart. That's where all the rage comes from. And also form feeling so helpless and powerless towards the situation. I have not religion or faith in god or anything, which made things harder for me. I had no comfort. To me, he wasn't in heaven, he wasn't anywhere, he was just gone. And he was never coming back. If you think that your religious beliefs might help them, let them know about what your religion thinks of death.

Answer 2

Of course they should be able to talk about it. They have to let their feelings out. Cry with them. It is a painful time and when we hurt we cry. Why not say he is in heaven. He is. You don't say how he died. If it was a particular illness they wont understand all the medical terms. Just saying very very sick would be enough unless they asked questions and wanted more. A lot of people run to counselors and that is fine if its needed. But if you talk to them about it and let them ask questions that GET answers that is what counseling is all about. If you don't see improvement in a few months then maybe you do need a little help. Grieving takes time. Find a book about death of a parent at your library. That might help you some. I'm so sorry. m

Answer 3

You are being a good mother by trying to get advice about this very sensitive situation.. I think you should not tell them how he died.. It is not appropriate for their ages.. this will confuse them even more and make them have more questions that you will not be able to help them with. Keep talking to them...take it one day at a time..sometimes they are not going to want to talk about it..and other days...you will not hear the end of it...Be patient...Just be there for them, try finding some books on this subject, they have them in public libraries and this will help you deal with it as well. Even if you were not married to him at the time of his death...he was still your children's father and I'm sure it has to affect you in some way.. Telling them he is in heaven is NOT a bad idea...the thought of their dad being in a wonderful place..can give them peace.....I think that is what is most important right now. Good luck!

Answer 4

I don't think there is a magic solution for this kind of situation.
I been there and Maybe still there (my father passed away when I was 10 years old ) I'm 36 years old now and still miss him and always think about specially when I used to see my friends with their fathers or when I had something I could share with him. I use to cry alot , upset all the time.
-I think The best councelor is GOD ask him every night to help you.
-One of the things you may need to avoid as of now, is to show them another man (if you willing to have one) in my case that really trigger anger on me. I felt my Mom didn't care about my father.

I trully believe there is nothing, but natural healing. It will take time but they will be ok.

Answer 5

Keep reminding them that YOU are there for them. Acting out in rage is completely normal. Let them see you cry maybe, that will show that you miss him as much as they do - then maybe they will express themselves to you too, tell you things that are going on in their life or how they are feeling in general.

In time it will get better. If this persists for about a year... contact a doctor.

Answer 6

You need to know, waiting until they're older isnt a good idea. Take a day to make sure that they understand. The mourning process takes a longgggggggg time, so you need to be ready for whats ahead. They could be acting this way for a year, it depends how they take it. talking to them alot about it helps. Remind them of the good times and make sure they know that he loved them while he was around. Its going to be hard, i know from experience....

Answer 7

I think that u should talk to them about it and tell them the truth. U can even let them spend time around other family men so they can try to release their pain or try to get another father figure in the picture. You can let them spend sometime with their uncle if they've got one and try to play games and hide all pictures of their father. Until they have accepted that he is gone. good luck

Answer 8

Maybe you could schedule some counseling sessions for you and the boys. If not that maybe you could speak with your minister and ask that he speak with them. Death is hard for the average adult to deal with so I can't begin to imagine a child having to deal with it. If you haven't spoken to them about their dads death maybe this could solve the problem. Maybe their upset because you haven't taken the time to talk to them. Give it a try and see how it goes.

Answer 9

My mom previous even as i am going to 10 yrs old. i became not as fortunate to have someone to look after me the way it sound that you look after your babies. i recognize that i'm the oldest of 5 and that i felt that I owed it to my mom to shelter the others. She by no ability requested me to do any element more beneficial than "be staggering for your sibiling", yet i stumbled on myself being their "mom" for decades down the line. it truly is something that i might want to do for her. it truly is wide-spread for babies to attempt to fill the roll of the confirm who's lengthy gone. i think the danger comes even as it truly is predicted and demanded of them.

Answer 10

you should sit down and talk to your kids about there fathers ]
death.yes you should tell them he is in heaven,because that
is were he is.also you can find out about bereavment classes
i also took classes myself when my father died,and it did help.