how do you handle an abuser trying to come back into your life?

Question

sorry, i asked this question already today but i didnt get enough advice as i wanted.
i was in an abusive relationship for about 3 years and now 4 years after it ended i hear from an old friend saying that the guy is wanting to get a hold of me again and he seems sorry about the past. i have since moved out of state and he said he wanted to come to where i am now and see me. i DO NOT want anything to do with this person so far i dont think he has my phone number but he seems to be a profesional stalker so i know it wont be long until he gets it. i never thought i would have to deal with this person again its been 4 years and i thought i had broken free but i guess not. from what my friend said it seems like he alredy knows a lot of personal details about my life and i live halfway across the country now. i dont know what he is up to or what he is trying to do but i know i dont want anything to do with it. i need some advice on how to handle this emotionaly and to make sure im safe

thank you all for any advice you give and there is no way i beleive that he is a differeny person know than he was back then i just wanted to make it clear that im not falling for his im sorry about the past line.

Answer 1

You are acting very wisely! Please consider changing your name, social security, and anything else that can be traced to you. It is a pain in the a**, but it worries me that he seems to be putting a lot of energy into finding out where you are. Obviously, make sure your friends and family are aware of your resolve to keep him away from you. If there are any peopel from your past that you can't trust completely, cut them off too.

I'll pray for the best for you. Be safe.

Peace.

Answer 2

First try to be sure without threatening your own safety that your ex abusive partner is after you again. The best is to report him to the authorities.
It doesn't sound weird to me, men treat us frequently as part of their properties, and then they do not see any reason to give up what supposedly belongs to them.
Do not fall in the trap, such a crap do not change, just conceal their appearance and they can try to control themselves for a while till the true personality gets free and you are bad hurt or dead.
If you had the courage as to get away from him and you handled your life for all this years, PLEASE, keep on protecting you and if you have, your children.
The more difficult step you have already done, now one more test is waiting for you.
Just think in the alcoholics that in order to get cured must NEVER drink alcohol anymore.
You shared your life with a partner who did not respect you, that creates also a sort of addiction, which starts sweat to very soon ending up in bitterness and loneliness.
Do not fall in his trap. It will be even more difficult to get away again.
Just think in every difficult moment you could overcome, in the inner strength you never thought you had but it was there to save your life just on time.
Take your time and if in doubt, report him to the nearest police station. I assume after such an experience you would keep some records, even if not, they can be traceable. Make a statement and protect yourself and your children if that is the case.
You will have to live with that phantom, till the point you will find the way to protect yourself and do not feel that such a looser can be your threaten anymore.
Be strong, you are not the only woman that is trying to start over from nothing. You've made it...I wish I would already have done the same but it is a matter of being ready.
Obsessed people with borderline personality disorder frequently do not respect any boundaries and want to make a law from their own wishes. He is sick, now you are almost recovered.
This last test will confirm you that you could leave your past behind or not. It will be difficult, but do not let him trick you with sweat words and a lifetime of pain.
Somebody told me once that nobody deserves to live in fear.
Be careful and get touch with the local authorities in familiar issues and protection of the victims of abusers.
Just send me a message if you feel like. If between women we can not help each other, then we will be always lonely.
From my heart, I wish you all the best. You simply deserve it.
Fro

Answer 3

Why is it that you think you haven't broken free of this person? The only way that he can continue to have a hold on you is if you still care for him and want to be with him. I would hope that is not the case, because should you re-new a abusive relationship, things will only be worst the second time around.

One other thing that bothers me, is the fact that your "friend" continues to tell you things about him. How is it that your friend knows so much about him? Have they been staying in touch with one another? Apparently they talk alot, and the topic of their conversations appears to have been you! It does not seem as though the "friend" has your best interest at heart. If I were your friend, I would not even hold a conversation with him, because of how he treated you. And he would know that I would be the last person to ask concerning your whereabouts. I think that you need to take a closer look at the motives of this "friend".

Answer 4

Why are you putting this question on yahoo , if you do not want to see that person again? If you really did not want to see that person again then you could just inform the police and they could handle it really well. You are asking this question because there is still a soft corner in your heart for that person. Now if you want to see if that person has changed or not and you still might think to go into a relationship with that person . But first you have to decide what you feel doing. You do not have to be scared to that person., if you do not want to see his face again at all. Just call the authorities and tell them to make sure that he does not contact you and tell them the past history of the abusive nature of that person also. But if you do want to give him a little chance then check him, and if after meeting him like couple of times you feel that he is same person. Avoid him. If he comes behind you and do not still want to let you go , call the authorities.

Answer 5

First off I wouldn't let this interfer with your life now. I know it sounds easier said than done. Hope you have an unlisted phone number. Hope your friend aren't telling him anything either. Can you trust this friend totally? I would seriously put a restraint out on this guy, let the cops know about what you told us, and then purchase you a GUN! for protection. I am serious. This "L" will find you if its the last thing he does. I am not meaning to scare you, but you must protect yourself. Also carry Mace with you and make sure you don't answer your doors unless you know who it is at all times.. Keep Safe.. :)

Answer 6

Congrats on getting out of the intial situation!

Call the cops and tell them what is going on (give them a heads-up on the situation in case you ever need them), get a restraining order as well. You can get one that lasts 2 years.

Also tell as many of your friends that are around you as possible--build up a sort of "army" of support. That way, when he shows his face, you've got back-up.

Also, get a handgun. Learn how to use it. Be responsible with it and keep it locked up, but get one. If for some reason he ever gets into your house, you are generally legally allowed to shoot in self-defense.

...and while we're on the subject, go take a self-defense course, any form of karate will do.

And one last thing (I had a stalker once if you can't tell...lol), keep all important documents locked up in a filing cabinet or in a safe deposit box at the bank. SHRED any documents that you throw in the garbage. Get an unlisted phone number. Do not talk about personal or financial information on a cordless phone or a cell phone. Keep your doors and windows of your house (and your car) locked at all times. Explain to the neighbors about this guy, before he shows up in your neighborhood to "make friends" (normally to keep tabs on you).

If you need any more advice, contact me. I've had a lot of experience with this and would be glad to help.

Answer 7

I know from personal experience how hard this can be. If you feel concerned that you are not safe, you can see about getting a restraining order against him so he cannot contact you. Also, question how he is getting all this information. Tell your friend that he has contacted NOT to give him ANY info about you AT ALL! And to tell him he cannot contact you or you will get a restraining order. Be strong. You are sronger than he will ever be. There are lots of support groups out there for women like us, you should look into joining one. It helps to talk to someone who has been in a similar situation. Good luck!

Answer 8

Get your local Yellow Pages and look under Crisis Intervention Services. There should be some numbers of Domestic Violence Shelters. Contact them ASAP, as they will be very familiar with various options. Different states have different regulations on what's available.

If you live in a smaller or rural community, call a local counselor (again, the Yellow Pages) and they will be able to advise you further.

If you're comfortable with it, I'd suggest purchasing a firearm and learning to use it properly.

Answer 9

Don't do it. How many I'm sorries have you heard?
One too many, right? What makes you think he has changed. Go to a shelter for battered woman, I'm sure they will help you. Don't tell anyone where you are, not even your friends. Tell them you will call them. If you do hear from him over the phone, you must call the police immediately and report it, so that it is on record. Tell them that you are being stalked. Something good has to come out of this. Good luck and take care of yourself.

Answer 10

I think I would contact someone at local police department about precautions I could take...be pro-active about this. Take a self-defense class, buy you some pepper spray to carry with you or anything of that nature. Instead of worrying about what he is up to, decide in your heart and mind what you are going to do if he approaches you. For example, visualize in your mind that you see him on the street or while you are out shopping and what you can do to protect yourself or draw attention to yourself if the need arises. I guess what I'm trying to say is to be prepared and have a back-up plan.