O.K. Here's the deal.I'm 23 and have recently moved back to my parents because me and my boyfriend had some financial trouble. My parents have been going through some very turbulent times with their relationship for the past few years. Long story short, they're calling it quits. Mom's moving out (where, she don't know yet) My b/f would then move in with me and my dad. I take over handling the finances and cook and clean and all that. My dad just told me this and I'm feeling very emotional right now and I don't know what to say to him. He's near tears and so am I. All my life, the relationship between me and my dad has been pretty emotionless and distant so I'm at a complete loss for words with him right now. I feel very sad about the whole situation. My mom won't talk about it at all. So I guess my question is, does anybody have any advice on what I can say to my dad to help him? Advice at all on how to get my emotions in check so I don't come across as a child? Sorry this is so long.
2006-08-19 14:22:55 · 8 answers · asked by Spookshow Baby 5 in Family & Relationships ➔ Marriage & Divorce
The best thing in most situations is to listen and don't say much of anything.
They will both be going through self-analysis and trying to find their own answers. Anything you say will not really help, and, may hurt by causing them even more doubts.
Everyone is different, but, generally speaking, the best friend is the person who has the biggest ears and the smallest mouth (metaphorically speaking).
If you are compelled to say anything, rephrase whatever the person said into a question and ask it of them.
Example:
"I really messed up, didn't I?"
"I don't know. Do you think you messed up?"
(keep doing it.... they will answer the question eventually)
Good luck & hang in there.
This too shall pass.
2006-08-20 06:56:12 · answer #1 · answered by Left the building 7 · 1⤊ 1⤋
Wow, that's a big load to deal with. Guess what, though: it's not your load. If you and your boyfriend have troubles now, just think what it will be like when you are the 'mom' of the house. Sounds like some of the parental issues are lack of boundaries. You dad just sat you down and said, "Ok, now I nominate you to take over all mom's stuff." Don't do it honey. He's setting a trap for both of you and I am pretty sure he doesn't realize it. He and your boyfriend would very soon find themselves staking out their territory and you will be more miserable than you are now. I suggest you talk about boundaries with your dad. Let him know you are prepared to help, but are not a permanent fixture in his home. Good luck and see a counselor to deal with your own grief issues. You are the child of this union and you need support, not vice versa. (This is from a mom who's been there sweetie).
2006-08-20 13:55:47 · answer #2 · answered by swarr2001 5 · 1⤊ 0⤋
I was 15 when my parents got divorced. It's really hard, especially when, like both of us, you were old enough to really know what is going on. I think the best thing you can do for your dad is to be a shoulder for him to cry on. Listen to what he has to say (if he starts saying bad things about your mom, though, try to steer him away from that, you probably don't want to take sides), cry with him, tell him you love him. Just give him support, and let him support you as well. It's very hard, and you might want to do what I did, which is go to a counselor or something, to help you sort out your feelings. Good luck.
2006-08-20 13:54:49 · answer #3 · answered by Girl Wonder 5 · 1⤊ 0⤋
My parents separated and subsequently divorced when I was 23 and newly married. I can tell you from my own experience that dealing with a crisis in your family of origin while trying to form your new family (I assume here that you are fairly serious with BF or he would not be moving in) is very very straining. A few sessions of counseling really helped put things into perspective for me and led me to find my own place in my changing family.
Also, you should remember that no matter how old you are it is ok to grieve for the loss of your family as you have known it. It is not just ten year olds that suffer when parents divorce. The first Thanksgiving I thought I would actually have some sort of stroke from the stress of shuffling back and forth and the tension and bitterness between my parents. Uuugh.
Regarding you taking over your dad's finances and housework...bad idea. His problem, not yours. You are absolutely not responsible for his domestic duties. It will be good for him to do some of those thing on his own. In fact, if you want things to work out with your boyfriend, I would dissuade you from moving him into this sure-to-be unplesant situation.
In the end, you have to nurture yourself, be there for your dad when you can but set reasonable limits on how available you both emotionally AND ESPECIALLY as a housekeeper/accountant. It will get better in time. Best wishes.
2006-08-19 21:57:36 · answer #4 · answered by Rachael 1 · 2⤊ 0⤋
The fact is that your parents have to deal with this themselves.
Breakups suck, no matter what age you are. You are going through your own emotions and you can't be expected to help "fix" them or their emotions right now. You are not the parent in this relationship, nor should you try to be.
Don't take sides. Let them both know that you still love them and will talk to both of them, but that you will be impartial. Be supportive of them both, but not a go-between.
You might want to talk to a counsellor about your feelings. Even though you are an adult they are still your parents and their separating will be hard on you.
2006-08-20 13:54:32 · answer #5 · answered by LindaLou 7 · 1⤊ 0⤋
This is such a difficult in your life and your parents emotions cannot be hidden. Its very hard to do that. I wouldnt let my emotions control how i talk to my moms and pops though. You need to be in control, even through the tears. Tell your dad you still love him and try to get your mom to be more open to talking. With as little info as you gave its hard to give good advice. Its a complicated issue and generic advice doesnt work.
2006-08-19 22:29:04 · answer #6 · answered by omsuperhoops 3 · 3⤊ 0⤋
My parent divorced when I was 8. I came to the realization that parents are people. Your dad is really hurting right now, and I doubt there is anything you can say to help. Just listen., Remind him you love him, and will be there for him. He may cry on your shoulder, but he needs someone to talk to right now. Try not to talk bad about your mom to him, and whatever mean things he may say about your mom are just because he is angry right now. Good luck. Remember.. he is a person who is hurting right now.. he will be a little lost right now .....just like you would act if u had your heart broken, he needs you to be there if you can.
2006-08-19 21:33:53 · answer #7 · answered by Tiffany P 3 · 2⤊ 0⤋
My parents split after 38 years of marriage... my dad left my mom. Really there is nothing you can say...just listen to what he has to say.....It's been almost 2 yrs now and I just listen to my mom... saying all these nasty things about my dad, but she has to let it out, so i just listen...good luck (they are both 71) go figure...
2006-08-19 21:53:01 · answer #8 · answered by ariana 1 · 2⤊ 0⤋