Engagement please help i need it?

Question

Say I've been dating this fellow for 4 years now and we got engaged last week
To come to the point
1 year ago, my boyfriend did something, i wish not to discuss and my mother resent him for it. she told me to stop seing him but i didn't
My mother hates him.
I just want advise on how to tell my mother about the situation
Basically I want her to accept him and care for him as she does for my sister's fiancee
Any sujestions
Plus I'm not trying to match up to my sister and I know that it will take time for her to come around.

Answer 1

Honey, you can heal the sick but you can't raise the dead. Right now, mommy's mind is made up. It's not going to be up to you to mend whatever is broken between the two of them. You already are in the middle of it, but its kinda like this, you love him, you love her he is the choice you made so whether she likes him or not you have to let one or the other go. No disrespect to mother, but if you let her make the call for you on this she will do it with others. If/when the subject comes up about what he did, tell her, look mom, what ever the problem you have with so-n-so, you are going to have to settle it with him and stop putting me in the middle. However he is the one i have chosen and unless you resolve this issue with HIM, I no longer want to hear about it. I want you in my life, but not to the extent where you are trying to make my decisions in love for me. She will be hurt at your responce at first and think you have betrayed her. IGNORE THE GUILT TRIPS. You are not the first child that mom hated the mate, but if you don't find some sort of closure in the matter some how, your relationship with him will suffer strain from mom having something to say to/about him every time she has you alone. Then she will have gotten her wishes all along. Sis and finace have nothing to do with this. It's a really tough call to make and no matter what you decide someone will be hurt (for a while anyhow). Whatever he did, has he done it again, and was it a forgivable sin? If you are going to be the one to have to listen to all the hell over it. Take my advice and put your foot down BEFORE you end up on prozak. LOL A mom's love is unconditional, and that won't ever change no matter how much she disapproves of the decissions you make. I wish you the best.

Answer 2

As a mother of grown daughters I understand losing trust in someone my daughter loves. First I am a strong proponent of premarital counseling. They will help you to understand the pitfalls of marriage and if your fiancee is willing to go it will go along way with your mom. None of the clergy in my town will marry you without it. And the JP's strongly suggest it!
Someone once told me that we do not get to chose our children's spouses and that is a good thing. They then asked would my mother have chosen my husband... the answer NO! We have been happily married for 10 years and now my mother thinks he hung the moon. (She did not like my 1st husband either but she was right about him) It is very hard as a parent to forgive those who hurt our very precious children. Sit down and calmly talk w/ Mom. If things start to get out of hand take a break. Your mother wants the best for you and those young men are really really hard to find, and rarely is there a man on the planet good enough for our little girls! Good Luck

Answer 3

You can't worry about what your mother thinks of him. All that matters is that you love him, have forgiven him and he makes you happy. You are the one that has to live with him everyday, not your mother. I'm sure your mother has done something in her youth that her parents were NOT completely pleased about but, she did it anyway. Just tell your mother that if it is a mistake, it is your mistake to make. It's your life. As long as your fiance' treats you well and continues to do so, eventually your mother will turn around. But, it will take time and patience. Congratulations and Good luck!!

Answer 4

You shouldn't be the one talking, he should. I would advise for your man to take the higher ground and talk to your mother about it. I think your mother would have more respect for him then because he took the first step. If she does not accept, give her time because I am a mother and only want the best for my children and would be very upset if someone did something to hurt or deceive my children. Pray for things to get better most importantly and have faith that they will. Good luck.

Answer 5

I was same boat as you recently my love called me up midnight he was talking when my mother picked up the phone without realising she heard him say few things which he shouldnt have said it she shouldnt have heard it well that was it my mother refused to acknowledge our relationship our love she said NO she thought it was a guy i love but she doesnt know we are engaged to marry i was torn between two people but then i realised on my own that she should accept or try to understand we are together for 4.5yrs its time shell come around after we are married since i really want to marry have children with him

Answer 6

Unfortunately she may never come around, and while it will be hard for you because of it, it will truely be her loss. Your bf will have to try and prove himself true, and if that doesn't work, you may have to loosin ties with yoru mother or your married life will suffer. Do what makes you happy, afterall, it's your life and you need to live it the best you can and stressing over how mom is going to act will only ruin your happiness eventually. Good Luck!

Answer 7

Well if he did something your mother did not approve of...especially since you're not even married yet, think about what will happen once you actually do get married with this guy. I'm guessing he cheated on you. Guys never change for the better, and you should listen to your mother!

Answer 8

If he did something wrong your mother isn't going to forgive him and care for him. The way she sees it you are making a mistake and screwing up your life and you deserve better than him. You need to plan on going ahead with your plans without your moms approval. IF he manages to be a good person for the next 10 years she might come around but until after he proves himself it isn't going to happen.

Answer 9

Just tell her, the sooner the better because it decreases the chance of someone else telling her which would be the biggest slap in the face.

Talk to her or just send her an e-mail about how you feel...that way you can revise it as many times as you want to perfect it and make sure that you convey your feelings accurately. Tell her that you respect her feelings but you love this man...you're not asking her to love him, just accept the fact that he will be your husband.

Answer 10

Honesty and respect. Talk to your mother with those 2 ideals in hand.