How would you handle this?

Question

Actually, I am trying to figure out what to call this behavior.
I have to admit I am not such a good face to face communicator. I rather not talk for a while to the person & try to forget about the problem.

Now, let's say something goes wrong with this person (my ex, father of my children) and I decide to talk to him about the situation.
We end up never talking about it because if we set up a date to discuss, he will have something better to do on that day, his car will be at the garage or because it's never the time (we're having a good time or there are people around).. any excuse is good to dodge a 'serious' conversation with me.

To this day, I am still accumulating unresolved problems for the past 9 years now, with him. I am frustrated. We never resolve anything. I tried email. I don't want to be at war with him. The problems are not vital...
What do you call this behavior?
And how can I nail him down to have a serious discussion with him?

Actually, what we need to talk about is that he has to let me go, and that declaring his love for me is not acceptable now. We need to have a mature conversation to stay in good terms but letting me go from his hook without affecting the children.

Answer 1

I would call his behaviour manipulative, is what I would call it.

Sounds like he's doig a really good job of avoiding the issue (ALL issues) by making himself unavailable to you - are there attorneys involved here?

Some people have good success with a communication book - just a book filled with lined paper (here in Canada we call it an exercise book or a scribbler) that you write a message to him in and then he can respond to it. If he has visitation rights, takes the kids on weekends, whatever, you can send the book with them and then he sends it back to you at the end of the visit. Start with small things - maybe if you can improve communication about the kids, for instance, you can move onto "It's time to let go". (it's a lot harder to ignore than email)

Another option is counselling for both of you - weird, I know, when you aren't married anymore, but it's often offered to couples who can't communicate effectively once they're divorced. Really, you NEED to be able to talk to him about the kids, and you can't do that if he's still hanging onto you, right?

Answer 2

I personally think that maybe you need to realize that he is not the only one with a problem, you also have a problem because it seems as though you feel you need his approval on certain things. well if you really want him to let you go why would you need his approval or advice for anything especially when he doesn't seem to care because he can never find the time to talk with you about issues that you feel are important. from this point on don't include him, just make the decisions as you feel to suit
your family's needs the best. I'm sure that after a while when you no longer turn to him or include him he will begin to feel left out and feel like he is no longer needed and he will begin to miss the feeling of being wanted and needed because that gave him a sense of power over you, and now you have taken that power back, now maybe he will be willing sit down and listen and maybe even come to some kind of agreement to as far as being
included in certain issues of making a decision when related to the children and believe it or not he will have a little more respect for you, and you will have a lot more indecency and respect for yourself.

Answer 3

This issue is not clear; he's your "ex", he won't talk to you, but he won't let you go?? Makes no sense.
But, it is pointless, if you have no goal of a relationship with this guy other than to share parenting, to rehash old hurts. It sounds like you re seeking "closure" on a lot of "issues" with him, and think a conversation, wherein you want to challenge him on his past behaviors, is going to accomplish that. No Way! Those past behaviors are in the past; he can't do anything about them, and you're rehashing them ( you already had it out with him on each one more than once, already, right?) will serve no good purpose. One of you dumped the other because one or the other was insufferable. Stuff like this happens, and you have to let it go; get over it.
My ex-wife dumped me after a brief marriage, saying one day she would tell me why. A no-fault divorce, taking about as long as this letter to read, followed. I've never learned that reason. Never will, and it doesn't matter! You will outlive the pain.
Trust me. Forget the "conversation". Get on with your life.

Answer 4

This problem sounds oh so familiar. My mom went throught the same thing for over ten years. She finally just gave up because there was just no getting through. I love my dad but he is a selfish man. And thats how men are. If he wants to work on things then he will. But i dont think that he does. Just get over and move on with your life. All you are doing is stressing yourself out and probably your kids. Kids sense bad things with their parents. You may not notice it now but it could catch up with them unless you talk to them about the situation. Just make sure you dont try to aruge or fight in front of your kids.

Answer 5

I had this kind of problem with my ex as well. Don't see him socially or for any reason not involving the kids. Don't chat with him at all... until he sits down and talks to you seriously about what is bothering you. Cutting things off like that sends the message that you aren't bending on needing to talk. When he realizes that you mean what you say, he'll hopefully stop and listen. Good luck.

Answer 6

He is in Denial !!! If he doesn't want to let you go or talk to you about it! he is just ignoring it so he doesn't have to talk about it ! You said you don't like talking and would like to forget about things, so don't talk to him about it, just forget until he brings it up! You need to go on with your life and stop worry about how he feels about you it seems!!! If you don't live together then why care about talking to him about how he feels about you?? Does he bother if you go on a date or something?? or have a male friend?? All you need to discuss with him is the kids... nothing else!! Then you all should be able to get alone just for them!! If your divorced then the UNRESOLVED problems should be RESOLVED !! Cause you are now DIVORCED!!! If you have legal issues to resolve then do that in court, not by trying to talk to him cause he will keep you hanging on. Let Him GO!!!

Answer 7

Usually, It's the kids who hurt most in these little situations, So take it from someone who's been there, You can Lead a horse to water but you can't make him drinkI think this applies to your question is, so don't force the issue and when things blow up in his face, then you can say [Itried to talk to you about it,buy you never made time to listen]

Answer 8

This looks like a man who is selfish and manipulative and does not want to admit that he has faults or responsibilities. Been there....what I suggest is that you try and work through the issues you are struggling with....deal with each one , and you will see after a while they will not be issues anymore and you will be able to focus on what lies ahead of you ...a NEW life.....and leave him and his attitude behind.

Answer 9

The only thing you need to discuss with him isthe welfare of the children. Maybe he doesn't want to talk to you about personal things because that brings him back into some kind of relationship with you and that part of his life is over.

Answer 10

well i would say that the behavior is just him not wantin to talk about it but since its bothering you so much, here's what i suggest. whenever you feel like talkin to him about it, just do it. it doesnt matter if there are other people around. if he tells you that "now isnt the time" then tell him that "its never the time for you and i have problems i want to get off my chest either we talk about it now or you keep your word about talkin about it later but either way, we're havin a talk" hell be so embarrased that he'll talk to you. if this doesnt work, keep doing it until he knows you mean business