My husband of almost 8 years and I haven't had intercourse in our entire marriage. I feel like he hasn't tried enough to fix the problem (or even figure out what it really is). We've seen counselors and I've done therapy by myself. He's taken pills (although he won't usually tell me when he's taken them) and seen a couple doctors. But MONTHS go by without even an attempt or I"ll ask, "When can we try?" And he'll say, "Soon" or "I don't know."
What woman has to beg for sex? I'm pretty and get asked out a lot. Now I've seen a lawyer to begin divorce proceedings, but I'm so scared it may not be the right thing to do. I have no reason to think hubby will change. What to do?
2006-08-19 09:45:21 · 77 answers · asked by Anonymous in Family & Relationships ➔ Marriage & Divorce
I'm very afraid for him. He seems sad and hurt - as am I. He says he'll never be able to see me again after divorcing, it'll be too much. And he says he'll never open up to anyone else like he did me, and that this is a sentence for him. A death sentence? Jail sentence? I dunno. Is he trying to guilt me, maybe?
2006-08-19 09:56:38 · update #1
We made plans to see the lawyer two weeks ago. he backed out two hours before the appt.
I didn't marry him just for sex. We didn't talk about it much beforehand because we (I) assumed to would be fine. It's not JUST the lack of physical sex itself, it's that I have to beg and he seems to let the situation continue and say, "I don't know what to do" when he can give everyone else great advice!
2006-08-19 10:14:16 · update #2
Obviously he's got a serious problem. If it's not a physical problem that keeps him from having sex then it's definitely psychological. The way I see it, there aren't many diagnoses.
8 years is a loooonnnng time and to be honest with you I think he's gay and hasn't come out of the closet. He might not even know why he's not attracted to you. It'll probably be liberating for him to divorce and I think you've been very patient so don't feel any guilt. If you guys have tried to work it out and it doesn't then it's better to move on. For the both of you.
I suggest you proceed as fast as you can so you can look forward to your new life and put the past behind.
Good luck and keep strong.
2006-08-19 10:05:20 · answer #1 · answered by ? 2 · 1⤊ 0⤋
Ask your husband if you should get a divorce. Talk to him about it. Divorce papers are only served as a surprise when you're trying to be EXTRA mean. A lot of divorces are when husband and wife go to see the lawyer TOGETHER, and divorce because of mutual agreement. Keep him in the loop, and a divorce doesn't need to be something you fear.
You'll still need your own lawyers, because there will most likely be things you disagree on, but an amiable breakup is always the best breakup.
On the flipside of the coin, my mother would answer with, "What, you ONLY married him for sex?" And then she'd call you a name. Be prepared for that, if anyone finds this out.
Good luck.
2006-08-19 10:03:19 · answer #2 · answered by 42ITUS™ 7 · 0⤊ 1⤋
If you have been married 8 years without sex I think it is possible to get an annulment or divorce based on not consummating the marriage. BUT I think there are BIGGER issues at hand than just the sex part. I don't know any man that would be with a woman let alone marry her and never try to touch her. There is definitely something wrong. Have you considered that he may even be gay? or have some type of emotional problem. It most likely isn't you. But you did take vows right?
2006-08-26 17:24:23 · answer #3 · answered by Queen J 2 · 0⤊ 0⤋
If you have no reason to think he will change, don't try to change him. Don't cheat on him either.
What you should do is this: Ask him if he feels ANY attraction to you. If he says yes, ask him why you don't have sex. If he says no, then you have your answer.
When he gives you an answer, no matter what it is, tell him how unhappy you've been in the last 8 years, and you want more. If he does not step up to the plate, tell him you will step out, permanently. Let him know that you will contact a divorce lawyer, and your sham of a marriage will be dissolved, and he can go his way, and you will go yours.
In other words, put your feelings in your pocket and approach this subject with him objectively. DO NOT get emotional. From what your additional details said, it sounds like emotional blackmail to me, and he knows what buttons to push. If you feel emotions coming to the surface, stop talking, breathe deeply and get objective again.
DO NOT lose control with this. Practice in the mirror for a while before you tell him anything. Good luck.
2006-08-26 09:11:24 · answer #4 · answered by kellygirlaj 4 · 0⤊ 0⤋
He is not perfect, maybe things are going great with the two of you in every other way, but there always seem to be a flaw somewhere! You said that you have been married to him for almost 8 yrs, if that is true then why are you letting this bother you now to where you are going to divorce him? If he doesn't no exactly what to do, then teach him! And if you are also inexperienced with this matter, then why don't the two of you experiment with each other and learn together! Even if you are experienced, you can still experiment with him. The two of you can learn what pleases the two of you together!!!!!!!
You should not even think about getting a divorce!!!!
Good Luck!!!!!!!!
2006-08-24 03:39:13 · answer #5 · answered by bigred 4 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Only you can answer that question. Look inside yourself and ask how important he is to you. If he has a medical problem then there is a chance the two of you can figure something out.There is more to sex than just intercourse. If you are truely unhappy then you have to do what is right for you.You have a lot of soul seaching to do in the near future. Talk to him also about alternatives to intercourse, remember.... he probably feels ashamed and frustrated all the time.He seems to be very afraid of failure... that is why he don't always tell you when he is taking the pills.I wish the both of you all the luck in the world in whatever you decide to do.
2006-08-19 10:20:17 · answer #6 · answered by kathylovis 2 · 0⤊ 0⤋
How have you lasted eight years? You are a mountain of patience. You have the right to a loving and nurturing and, yes, physical relationship. Sex reaffirms the emotional bond between a couple.
Furthermore, if you are someone who desires a family, remember we women have only so long to do so. Don't wait until it is too late because age has caught up with you!
What benefits are there to your relationship? It sounds like you could be "just friends" and have the same situation. If you can live with this then try it out. However, it sounds like both you and your husband would benefit immensely from going your separate paths. He probably is stressed out by his lack of "ability" and you are unhappy also...why prolong the agony for both of you?
Do not let him emotionally blackmail you. You should not be imprisoned in this relationship. He is an adult he must learn to deal with his mental and physical issues without resorting to clinginess and emotional threats.
Good luck. I hope everything works out for the best.
2006-08-27 06:30:10 · answer #7 · answered by KayK 2 · 0⤊ 0⤋
The questioning of yourself is the worse part about making that decision - is this right or not. I know - I have spent the last year asking myself that same question for similar reasons (but not as extreme as your situation).
That internal struggle is horrible (stay, go, stay - will it change, am I making this up, blah, blah, blah). It sounds like you have agonized for a very long time about this. You deserve some peace in your life.
It sounds like you did all of the right things - counseling, doctors, talking. Although it will be hard to go through the divorce and go the next steps - it is the only way you can start living your life without such constant confusion.
At least that is what I tell myself... I keep torturing myself with those same questions. We have not gone to marriage counseling - maybe that is next for us.
Hang in there!
2006-08-25 20:41:57 · answer #8 · answered by Nicky 1 · 0⤊ 0⤋
It's obvious that you're not happy and neither is your husband. I can't see how you could get past it if your husband is not even willing to talk about it. My ex is diabetic and it was so frustrating when he would kiss me and hold me but nothing would happen for him down there. I know he was frustrated too so we just stopped talking about it or trying to do it. Then we just stopped talking all together. We were both miserable and then things got mean. Sometimes you just have to walk away. Eight years is more than enough time to know that your marriage is over. I hope you two can find a way to end things in a civil manner. Good luck.
2006-08-27 05:16:12 · answer #9 · answered by lovelee1 6 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Sorry...
It's really up to you what you want to do... Ignore his guilt trips and society's dependance on sex for awhile. Do you want to be with him? If sex wasn't an issue, would you be upset? If not, maybe you just need some time to rethink the whole situation. Define a marriage... does your definition include sex? If it does then you don't really want to be married to him, do you? If not, fine. Stay with him.
I'm not sure why he won't but you shouldn't have to beg. Talk to him about an open relationship (whether you intend to have one or not) and about what a sexless marriage means to you. If he doesn't get it, he doesn't get it.
If you do break up, it sounds like you want to remain his friend. Don't let him stop you because he's angry. Call him, arrange visits, stop by, etc.
He's upset now, but he can't hold you responsible. You're trying.
2006-08-25 02:07:07 · answer #10 · answered by KeM 2 · 0⤊ 0⤋