can anyone give me some advice? please only comment if u are serious and can patiently read all of this thanks

Question

my mom and stepdad have been married for like 5 years and every time he gets a new job like less than 6 months later he quits or stops going or goes into the hospital. he has had tons of physical tests done and nothing is wrong with him but depression. my siblings and I have suffered greatly because he chooses not to work. we have had to live in hotels and get evicted from 6 houses and not know if we are going to even have food that day. my concern is that my mom will decide that my stepdad can come home after he gets out of the hospital and i really dont want that. i feel like it would be a slap in the face because of how sick he makes me feel. with him in the hospital, i dont feel completely secure but i know my mom is thinking about not letting him live with us. I pretty much do all the house work so my mom can work and i hate that he is so lazy and everyone is all worked up about him. this whole situation makes me sick with worry so why cant she do the right thing for her kids?

Answer 1

You don’t say how old you are and that can make a big difference as far as your alternatives go. The one person you can control is yourself. However, as a child, you don’t even have total control concerning what you will and will not do. It’s a hard situation you are in.

Also, you don’t say the ages of your siblings so that matters too. If one of your concerns is looking out for them then that will affect what you do. You should explain your situation thoroughly to someone who can give you specific advice - like a counselor at school or some adult you trust. Tell them you need specific advice about what you should do in your circumstances to make sure that you are not burdened with more responsibility than is reasonable.

Ultimately you have to accept whatever your mother does and then just try to deal with your own actions so as to try to make your own best choices. One small thing you could do is talk to her about what is fair to you with respect to housekeeping. If your step-father is home all day then perhaps he can have certain chores he is responsible for too. Then if he does or does not do his chores it’s still not your problem. Chores may sound like the smaller issue but I focus on it because it’s the part that you actually do and have negotiation power with.

Your childhood will be shorter than it seems to you that it will be. If you are of an age where you can get out of the house with a part-time job that will help you. If you are old enough and capable of working a part time job, do not let them refuse to allow this based on the fact that you need to stay home to take care of siblings or your step-father. It is not your responsibility to be the care-taker of your mother’s children or her husband. You can reason with her on this and explain that you have to try to take care of yourself especially since your opportunities are limited because of the family’s financial situation.

To a large degree, as long as there is no outright abuse going on, you will just have to accept the unfortunate circumstances for now. In a few years you will be able to care for yourself. I don’t know how old you are but childhood does not last that long - it just seems like a long time when you are in it.

You probably don’t want to hear this but just trying to be kind to all the members of your family, giving them the benefit of a doubt while doing your best to look out for yourself is really your best strategy. Keep your eyes open for opportunities to better yourself in terms of education and skills and job opportunities. Try to be thankful that you are healthy with a life ahead of you rather than focusing on how terrible things are. This is NOT a criticism about your complaint, please understand, I suggest the attitude of thankfulness because it will help you to stay positive and see opportunities. It’s important that you talk to trusted people who may be able to help and that you stay optimistic and focused on making a better future for yourself. Believe that your future can be good because it can.

Answer 2

It's unfortunate, but while remaining in the interest of making things better, there is not much you can do.

You can try to talk to your mom about how you feel. How possible is that? Will she listen with an open mind and heart or will she be defensive? Will trying to talk to her make things better or worse?

Here is the long term answer. Depending on your own character, you can make a fuss because things are not going the way you believe they should, or you can endure. Out of the enduring can come valuable lessons.

No matter what, you will always have the life you're living. When you're older you can look back and say, "I will make different choices because of what I learned from my past experiences".

Your mom may not be making the best choices, but the benefit of the doubt says she is doing the best she can with what she has. Not that that makes it easier for you.

I feel for you. Growing up I also did the housework, but for different reasons.

Here is an idea that might be worth looking into. There are boarding schools available for at risk youth. If there is a youth advocacy program somewhere near you, they could help you look into it so that you can finish school and make a good path for yourself to go to college and have a successful future.

It is sad when parents make things worse for their children, but it happens. For now, in some ways, you are powerless, but remember that it is temporary and you can decide to learn from it. Also remember you're not the only child going through neglect. This does not in any way mean your situation is easy, it only means you're not alone.

Answer 3

What you've posted are also symptoms of ADD (attention deficit disorder) and is treatable.

Signs of ADD:

trouble holding down a job

can't stay organized no matter how hard you try

starts many projects, very rarely finishes any

seems obcessive compulsive at times- (does the same thing over and over again. Or can't seem to stop talking about one subject)

People with ADD may have tempertantrums like a 2 year old if they don't get their way.

People with ADD may brood/pout for weeks at a time if they cannot immediately buy, or get, something they want. Even get depressed.

People with ADD have problems concentrating on anything other than what they are interested in.

They usually have a short attention span.

My late husband was obcessed with TV and baseball cards and he had ADD.

People with ADD can usually concentrate well on computer, tv and video games. This is because the screen is in constant motion, (though you don't see the scrolling unless you turn sidewaves somewhat), and it takes another form of concentration.

A dr can prescribe medications that can help if it is ADD. And ADD is not for just kids, it happens to adults too. If he has even just two of the symptoms have a dr. check him out.

Go onto google.com there are also free ADD checklists there that you can take to the dr., or take the list I've provided.

Answer 4

This is a very tough spot for y'all to be in. First of all, though, please try and keep in mind that clinical depression can be a horribly crippling condition till it gets under proper treatment. Even getting out of bed in the morning can feel like a truly G-dawful chore, never mind working....Your stepdad isn't acting like this because he's LIKING to be a turkey.
However, you're still having to deal with the fallout from his illness, and it's affecting your lives severely. Can you all sit down, as a family, and start figuring out some ways to help split up the challenges? Can chores be assigned a little more evenly? Can your stepdad be given some expectations of behavior? (Like, "you WILL continue on your medications and see your therapist on schedule, or you must find another place to live. We love you, but you have to work on getting better, because this is causing pain for all of us.") Your mom may want to talk with a therapist or a caseworker for some suggestions, since there are some serious financial problems here. Good luck!

Answer 5

Unfortunately, there isn't a lot you can do about this. The ball is in your Mom's court. I have been in this situation from your Mom's pov, and it isn't easy to get out of it. She is sick and tired of being broke and tired and frustrated with her situation. But if your Stepdad is sick, it is hard to seem cold hearted and just leave him with no help.
I have also had to deal with living with someone with depression. I finally had to make the choice to leave or go down with him. I had compassion burnout, and just couldn't deal with it anymore. But that was me. Your Mom may feel differently.
The best advice I can give you is to support your Mom however you can, for now, being honest with her about how you feel without turning it into a yelling match. She will appreciate your honesty, and I am almost certain she will take it into consideration when she makes her final decision.
When you are old enough, get a job, move out, and go to school so you can have the kind of life you want to have.
Good luck, I hope it works out for the best for all of you.

Answer 6

I know how you feel, i think you should sit down as a family and talk to your mom about these feelings you are having and your siblings are having as well. Maybe come to an agreement that you step father needs some counsiling. If he is depressed he should talk to a therepist about this. If this doesnt work you can tell your mother that you are not happy and possibly stay at a relatives house until things get better.

Answer 7

I think your stepdad is taking advantage of his situation. No doubt he's one of those chronic cases of "Ican't work because..." Actually, he doesn't want to work but enjoys sponging off your mom at your expense.

You should rally your brothers and sisters,at least those old enough to see what's going on, come up with a decision that comes from the group, and confront your mother with this. It's not easy to say "He goes, or we go" because if your mom chooses him...where do you go? At least let her know what you all think, come up with facts that prove how it has affected your family. She's your mom above all...she should listen.

Good luck

Answer 8

Oh, baby, I'm sorry. How old are you? I think the best thing is to be as supportive of your mother as possible. How's the relationship b/ you and your mom? Can you talk to her about some of your feelings? Look, maybe if you have a church or a counselor at school they can get you in with a counselor or therapist. Let your mom know your seeing someone. She may join you! Good luck!