Married for the wrong reason...we have kids...am I being selfish to leave or will it be better to stay?

Question

We get along well enough..no fighting...drinking..drugs..etc..just not happy. I can stay and put on a fake smile, so who comes first? me or family?

Answer 1

If you're not happy, get out. The kids will be better off growing up with separated parents than in a loveless household. They can tell, believe me.

Answer 2

The children!

Stay....but don't let it stay the way it is. Get somewhere alone with your husband and talk the whole thing out. Tell him how you feel. It will be hard but give him the benefit of the doubt--maybe he will rise to the occation. I should tell you that I am single, but I have heard that the only difference between marrieds and divorcees is not the problems--its the heart to work it out. I hear all marrieds come to this point you are talkin about....but I am a believer that you guys can find love again! If you try and don't succeed....try try again. Im sure it is going to be hard and you probably will meet some bumps in the road, but be HONEST with him, and gentle. Go find a place where you can be alone and take a long walk together and speak about the way you feel. Listen to him too--he might even have the same fears---be hopeful. There are only two things that never change--God and the dead. He can change--if he has hope. Give him hope. You can change--if you have hope--You can overcome this together. But you must stick together. Open communication--there will be pain. Not only will your children be better off, but you and your husband will be happier in the end when you look back together and see that you never gave up. Don't give up. Read this passage in the bible 1 corinthians 13:1-13. God bless you

Answer 3

Hi Kong

You know it is important to have a family and be happy as well. I am sure that you're significant other senses your unhappiness. Honestly, what are you not happy about? You say there not fights, drugs, drinking....could be that the expectation of marriage has dwindled for you? Not exciting? You can't stand waking up knowing the same person is next to you? Perhaps you can make some changes in the relationship to rekindle the fire, passion, and make it more exciting. Maybe you should take a retreat away for a bit just to reflect on what you got married in the first place.

I guess what I am saying is that relationships are hard especially if you have been in it for awhile...but since you are...is it not worth seeing if you can rekindle something that may be loss through counseling, more intimacy, or whatever it may be. Remember the grasser isn't always greener on the other side.

I hope this help, because I don't know anymore than what you have said...I can only say work on the relationship. However, if you are determine to leave...then it makes no sense to stay in something that makes you unhappy but remember this will affect everyone.

Take care and G-d Bless

K

Answer 4

Tough question....

We can only give you answers based on our own experiences, but would one or another be the right one? Who knows!

I guess you have to keep in mind that the grass is not always greener on the other side. You are a parent and the children's well being has to be a very large consideration for you.

If the marriage was full of fights or any of the myriad of bad elements that so many marriages have, then I would say that the problems of being in a divorce situation would be the lesser of two evils. But this is not the case for you.

Is your spouse happy? Do you love this person? Love takes many forms, and while it may not be the romantic, put stars in your eyes kind... sometimes that mellow love can be quite comfortable. Do you respect your spouse? Is your spouse a good parent to the children?

What is it that you feel is missing from this relationship? Is it something that can be kindled between the two of you?

It would be way too easy to give you some kind of "pat" answer. And this is definitely not the place you should be looking for some kind of moral support to justify a decision you may have already made.

I'm afraid you are the only one who can properly answer this question, and I certainly do not envy your dilema.
You have a lot of soul searching to do and I wish you every bit of luck in working out your final decision.

Answer 5

Kids are smarter than you think honey. They are little sponges and are soaking this all in. If you don't want them to grow up and have the same kind of relationship you have now, then you need to do something. I'm not sure why you aren't happy or what the problem is, but something tells me it wasn't always this way especially if you have kids (emphasis on the plural). Couples fall in and out of love during their marriage all the time. It's hard, but marriage takes work on both parts. If it's something that can be fixed, fix it. If you have no desire to and just want out, then you need to do what is right for you. Life isn't about just mearly existing, it's about living, loving and laughing. You can still have your family while being divorced ya know. Nobody says the love or relationship you have with the kids comes to a screeching hault. If you are on the way out, talk with your wife first, it'll be hard, but I'm sure she sees the same things you do. Then sit down and talk with the kids open and honestly, ask for their input as far as what they'd like the arrangement to be and get a game plan together from there. The key to this whole leaving thing was about your happiness...and that is fine, I wish you well, but just make sure the kids are able to adjust and be happy too.

Answer 6

Well I don't want to say you should stay or leave because I don't know the circumstances but just some advice. Staying in a relationship that is not making you happy or your spouse is just making your kids suffer. Believe me they can have the best of both worlds with the love of both their parents if their parents are not together. If you think you cannot be happy then what is the sense of making the whole family suffer. Believe me I know from experience. When I was a kid I could say that I didn't want my parents to split up but now that I think about it, it was probably the most responsible thing that they could have done for us. That is because they were not happy together.

Answer 7

There are two ways to answer this question. God says put him first, yourself second, your family third, and your job fourth. I agree with this. You can not love yourself, and take care of yourself, if you are putting others first. Your children will pick up on this. They are very smart. Besides, do you want to teach them to do the same thing? Marry for the wrong reasons? Why be fake about it?
But the BIG question: What would make you happy. Are you happy with yourself? Or are you expecting happiness to come from your mate? In other words are you sure that you would be "happy" with out this person? And what does this person have to do with your happiness?
God Bless

Answer 8

Husband has a long penis huh? Well, hey, my penis is really short, you can have me, because I have a really long soul. Althoug I am only fourteen... But really, if you are legally married that sucks because then the court will give child custody to someone. My parents broke up but since the government didn't know I didn't have to worry about that custody crap. What you can do, break up, but don't get a legal divorce, but when you go to a school or something like that with your ex, lie by saying you are still together if they ask if you are married because they can see if you are or not by looking it up, or you can actually get a divorce and end up worrying about custody and all those complications. if you don't understand email me or something. The children will be able to decide where they want to go pretty much anytime if you don't tell the government you broke up, but even if you are married and did get a legal divorce you can still elt the children go where they want, but I don't know if the government would care if they found out.

Answer 9

First you have to find out why you are not happy. Does she feel the same way too? Remember, the grass is always greener on the other side. Please go for individual counseling and then marriage counseling. You owe this to all involved, before you make a rash decision. Through counseling you will find the answers, You do not have to agree with everything the counselor says, but it will help you sort through the problems and the situation you are in. Ask your doctor for a referral. Do it now. Do not be embarrassed. You will be happy that you did and surprised at the things you will learn about yourself. You cannot get to step B before you go through step A. Do not be lazy about this. Make a decision that you will do this for you and your family.
Maybe your marriage could be saved. Maybe it can't. Please be mature enough and open minded enough to really find out. Make the commitment -it is what you need to do. Do not take this lightly. My best wishes to you.

Answer 10

I know that they say marriage is forever. But think about it nothing is forever. the kids come first of course, but your happiness also. Trust me kids know when things are not right. They are like little animal. they sense everything. You might not fight or drugs etc.... But- there is that word again. But you have to consider everybodys feeling, maybe she feels the same way. Alot of marriages are better apart. You might be better friends than husband and wife. So take a test run.

Answer 11

It's hard to be sure. I'm on marriage #3. I'd say from my perspective that it's better to divorce and move on. Life is too short to be spent unhappily. Plus, if you're unhappy, your spouse is likely to be as well and it's hard to hide a bad marriage from the kids, They're smarter than they get credit for and they deserve a happy home.

If there's drink abuse or drug abuse or violence or open hostility, that's just a bad environment to raise kids in and they deserve better. There are enough kids who got screwed up by their parents already. Why make more?

Good luck. It's a tough choice.