my husband had an affair with his ex wife, i caught them of course, gave him an ultimatum, he chose to stay...

Question

but now he sits and reads and rereads her old emails. im to the point where it doesnt hurt anymore it just pisses me off. im so ready to leave but i truly dont believe in divorce. should i do it anyway.

when it first happened i begged him to go to counseling he said he would then refused when it came time to go. we have been together 23 years

when it first happened i begged him to go to counseling he said he would then refused when it came time to go. we have been together 23 years

ok let me clarify it was an online and telephone affair only she lives 2000 miles away he will NOT go to counseling cause he says they are always on the womans side. and she divorced him because of pressure from her parents

ok more details she is remarried to a great man and is what most would consider wealthy she will never leave her husband so it would only be by email. i never knew him before he divorced her. he swears he loves me. ive asked him so many times. but he woke up crying one morning and said her name so im not stupid.

Answer 1

Whoa! Slow down here! He has NOT had an affair, he has not gone to bed with her? She is 3000 miles away? Any you have been married for 23 years?
If all this is true, he is in need of a love fix, simple as that. The spark has gone out of the relationship..so put one back into it. That will solve the problem...it ain't the ex, it is his entire life that has him searching for someone to make him feel like a king again. Men go through some serious changes at his age. They don't see the successes, they see only their failures. They see no chances left to be a success...very depressing, Called MID LIFE CRISIS. And that is all it is.. a crisis. It will pass. In the meantime, give him a hand...think back on the fun times, what you and he did to make them fun, stop with the taking for granted bull that goes on in every relationship...you have some work to do, and so does he. But I suspect you will have to start the job and get him on board. There has been, or will be a time when you are going to be on the same ship that he is on now...if you play your cards right, he will be there to throw you a life ring. Good luck

Answer 2

Obviously the dude isn't over her. The only thing that he and her should talk about is children if they have any together. If he slept with her and you gave him an ultimatum and he choose to stay it could be only because she hasn't given him any hope that there's a chance for them to get back together or he really wants this marriage you two share to work. I don't know you of course and don't know your background with him but this doesn't sound good. You chose to stay after he cheated? If he cheated with her he will most likely cheat on you again with her if given the chance, especially since he is still reading her old e-mails. There is still something there, at least with him anyway sounds like to me. Now, just because he cheated on you doesn't mean that he will always be a cheater. If he truly respects and loves you he will stop every kind of correspondence he has with her if he hasn't already. But, it doesn't look like he has gotten over her.
You WILL get to the point that you don't care anymore and that is a point of no return. That's when ABSOLUTELY NO TRUST assumes the marriage. Honey, this man has broken vows, your heart and all trust that was ever established. You don't believe in divorce? I don't either. But, if my husband ever slept with his ex wife or anyone he would be gone. That is plenty grounds for divorce, even though you don't believe in it. The choice is yours. A marriage can make it after something this damaging and life changing has happened. But, only when the dirty rotten cheater rebuilds that trust and I mean works hard at rebuilding it. He's appearantly not trying very hard. Maybe it's time for a seperation at least. You don't have to live with him reading old e-mails I am sure this is tearing you up. Be strong and good luck!
After reading your p.s. I say get out of this thing. He's not over her she just won't come back to him because she don't want to loose the nest egg she's got with the new hubby. Does her husband know about the affair? If not, I'd tell him and then I'd leave. Did you know before you married him that he was still hung up on her? Best of luck to you. Listen to skawp.

Answer 3

Have you thought of counselling? Clearly he can't get past whatever feelings he's harboring about his ex. You need to try to have an open discussion with him (without getting angry hard as that may be) to find out what's up with this?

Personally, I believe in the saying "once a cheater, always a cheater". Before you do anything drastic like divorce, you need to see if this can be resolved. But you can't go on this way.

Answer 4

You already know the answer to this question.......... anyway, you should free him and more importantly yourself. If he loved you then he would have never cheated with her. And once you gave him an ultimatum, you also gave him the power. You let him know your life was in his hands and that he could stay and hurt you again and again or that he could leave and hurt you too. Either way you are setting yourself up to eventually be hurt so why not just let him go, hurt for a little while and then get on with your good life that God has waiting for you. You don't believe in divorce huh, but you believe in adultery, is that what you are telling us?? The bible speaks against adultery, but says a man should give his wife a divorce and vice versa if adultery is commited..... so if you are staying it's because you want to and not what you believe in I think...................And of course he chose to stay, you allowed him to.......... also think about this....... the bible says what God has put together let no man bring asunder, but did God put your marriage together or did you and your husband put it together??? Sometimes God is waiting for us to let the mess go that we have created for ourselves, so that he can give us our blessings that he has in store for us, but how can he if we are blocking our own blessings?? Satin could have placed him in your life to keep you bonded........set yourself free!!!

Answer 5

Well if you don't believe in divorce after a situation like this, then it's safe to say you believe in living a lonely, miserable life as second best? Honey, there are things in life we have to do that we don't necessarily like or believe in, but we suck it up because something or someone else depends upon it. This someone, is you, we are talking about. Your future, your life, your well-being, etc. When you get to your death bed are you going to reflect back on all of this and be glad you stayed just for the sake of avoiding divorce, or are you going to look back, reflect on your divorce and count it as the beginning it was to life of happiness? This man isn't going to change and deep down you already know this. Stick up for yourself, put your foot down and demand better. If he can't give it, or refuses to try, then it's his loss, not yours.

Answer 6

He cheated on you first time and refused to go to go get help.... and wow 23 years is a very very long marriages.

I was married my first ex and You are right I don't believe Divorce at all. after she theat me divorce 4 time last 8 months of marriages I had to end it and God and Jesus knows It not going to work. I could be wrong...

Remarried second time she was my first before I was married to first one and now she my last and It was great marriages becasue we been married for 9 years and now 2 kids and 3rd due in March 2007... now I already know what cheating mean and what can do to ruin marriages. and I learned that from my mom who remarried 6 times and cheated all of them.. so I learned that No way to be like her.

So, for what he did, wow, God not going to be mad at you becasue you been faithful to this guy and he just went and cheated on you.. that so unfair for you to go through this. and It better to find second person like I did and It was the best thing.

Before I was married second time I talked to her about everthing like what if I cheated what if I kiss what if girl come in my office naked and what if I lost my arm and what if money plm. etc. and she answer alot good questions and she does with me and we know it worth to be married smilng...

I would be so mad after 23 years after he did it and he reread ex old email... my gosh that is so wrong and so bad. He still not think of you or respect you or anything just himself. So end it now and show him that you are best than other ex girl .. and later when he notice you have a great life and on and on and he will beg to come back with you..

All you do is tell him.. big Karma what ever you did cheated on me and big Karma come back to you and now you got what you got.. It not my plm now. I am SOOOOO OVER YOU!!!! believe me God said an EYE for an EYE, so he witness what he saw him doing was wrong and knowing you been faithfully. I hope this helps. I 110 percent support you smile.

Answer 7

You have got to figure this out for your self. I would look at all the different point people give you ,but remember. For the the most part the peopl in here has Little are no control of there on life,there on mirages and emotions but will stand and give you life changing advise as if thy was the authority on the matter. And i would further moor say to you to reevaluate the situation, is as bad as you think. Good luck and may god bless you.

Answer 8

You have a choice stay with him or leave him. If you don't believe in divorce because of religious reasons. Remember that Jesus gave adultery as the only reason for a divorce. It sounds like he is still i love with his ex. he will eventually cheat again. Do you really want to be miserable for the rest of your life?

Answer 9

Did he leave her for you? Now he wants her back? Is it really worth it to you to be miserable for the rest of your life knowing that he will always want what he can't have? I think that is basically what most cheating boils down to. Wanting what someone perceives as "better" than what they have. If he was serious about staying he would have deleted all emails and her address (not that he wouldn't remember it anyway but still) and wouldn't brood over the "loss" of her again but over what damage he caused to his relationship with you. I would think long and hard on this one. You may find you need/want/deserve better. Good luck.

Answer 10

Good, too many people in this country consider a divorce the solution to marital problems (unfortunately your husband is one of them, since its his ex-wife), marriage is for life. It sounds like the two of you DESPERATELY need marital counseling. Seek professional help pronto. Couples counseling is a must if the two of you have any desire to fix the problems of trust, communication, etc. that you clearly have. A trained couples' therapist can help you to put your marriage on the road to recovery.