I'm a 23-year-old lesbian, my relationship ended almost nine months ago. We were together about seven years, how long should it take me to get over it? I really need some good advice, so give it to me.
2006-08-19 05:56:56 · 20 answers · asked by 4me2no&u2findout 3 in Society & Culture ➔ Cultures & Groups ➔ Lesbian, Gay, Bisexual, and Transgender
Sigh. Breakups suck. I'm sorry you have to go through this.
The only thing that really heals a breakup is time.
How much time you will need is debatable. It depends on how you use the time.
Longer time:
Escaping the issue through work or play or general distractions, avoidance, hiding, self-deception, detachment, obsession, etc.
Shorter time:
Meeting the hurt head-on, working through sadness and grief and anger, being kind to yourself, going to therapy or talking with friends, being truthful about the end of the relationship (was it really that great? are there things you need to work on?)
You can't let go of stuff you don't have. You have to own it, feel it, and get through it. Make sure you don't talk to your ex while you heal, if you've been doing the "friend" thing, tell her you need to stop for about 2 months. Why?
She is still too close, and she's capable of pushing your buttons, even if she's not trying, and until you remove the button, some emotional distance is paramount. You have to accept that you are no longer a "we" and you are a "you" and YOU ROCK!
Remind yourself that being free from her makes it possible for you to meet someone else, someone who is more compatible with you.
I broke up with my ex back in December of 2005, and sometimes I STILL get really angry with the way she treated me.
So, I'm reclaiming the time she took from me, I'm not in a rush to be with anyone right now, and I've been pretty happy, I'm dating myself, and it's pretty fun! No more dumb arguments, and I can read in bed as late as I want.
You'll get through this, just be patient, and try to use the time wisely, and become the woman you'd like to meet, next thing you know, some sweet woman will be checking you out, and you'll be ready!
2006-08-19 13:43:11 · answer #1 · answered by jpi5 3 · 0⤊ 0⤋
wow, first relationship and it was long term!!!!
Don't let anyone give you a time frame. My first lesbian partner and I broke up in 78/79 and I still miss her. Give yourself time to grieve. That's a big chunk of time. Have you ever lost a beloved dog or cat and you grieved for what seemed like forever? And people said get over it. Their advice stunk too. Get out there, make some new friends, join a social club or two. Don't worry about the time frame. No one has the right to tell you that you must stop grieving. Try to get involved with life again. Don't worry about a new g/f. You need to look forward, not back. It hurts like hell now and it will hurt for a while, but it will get easier to deal with each day. My best. HUGS!
2006-08-21 00:36:46 · answer #2 · answered by reme_1 7 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Should take you three weeks to a month before you're ready to go out, two months before you're ready to date, and after that, it depends on how much you go out and how much you date how soon you're ready for another relationship.
You invested 7 years in the last one, you won't forget it. You might never "get over" it, but you need to get past it, and 9 months is too long. You're using the break up as an excuse not to try to move on. Are you afraid of failure? I assume if you were in a relationship since you were 15 or 16, you haven't had any or many failed attempts before, but we all have them...most of us have a bunch of them. Just get off your lame butt and go out and start meeting people and making yourself emotionally available.
You'll love yourself for it.
2006-08-19 08:20:36 · answer #3 · answered by michael941260 5 · 1⤊ 0⤋
Nothing helps you forget an old person quicker than a new one....7 years is a long time.
I think the right time is when you notice that your feelings morph from sadness /betrayal/ lonlieness more to boredom, and lonlieness, only you know when that is.
I got divorced in april from a lame one year marriage, im trying to meet a chick now., its probably the same for lesbians as for us dudes in this aspect.
2006-08-19 06:55:22 · answer #4 · answered by Anonymous · 2⤊ 0⤋
Quite honestly - I don't think there is a certain timeframe. Everyone is different and every relationship is different. 7 years is a long time to be together, and as you were together from the time of teenage, it is going to be tough.
If I were you, I would get involved with things that have nothing to do with the relationship - try new things, get a new hobby. Make sure and do things that don't remind you of her.
good Luck!
2006-08-19 06:02:56 · answer #5 · answered by Anonymous · 1⤊ 0⤋
Truthfully, you are past the point of needing more time...any residual feelings will only work themselves into perspective with time. The biggest danger of hopping lover to lover is transference of love for one to another...it never works out well. I think you should have had enough time to sort that kind of thing out. BUT...don't go looking for a relationship! Instead, look for fun, energy, great sex, you name it...but if you are looking for a relationship, you will fall in love with love (not much different than transference...same end run). When it is right, you will both know it and it will develope over time. Just be yourself...I am quite sure that is good enough, your ex thought so, didn't she? Good luck to you, and enjoy life.
2006-08-19 06:51:40 · answer #6 · answered by Anonymous · 3⤊ 0⤋
It'll take as long as you let it! I broke up with my girlfriend of 4 months a few days ago, although we had been "seeing" each other for 10 months. I like to think that i'm over it already because she was SUCH a *****. But i'm not over it.
You won't get over it until you've got used to living without her around, and not being able to talk to her and see her all the time. This could take a long time, but it'll happen. Don't worry :)
2006-08-19 06:02:53 · answer #7 · answered by living_withoutlife 2 · 3⤊ 0⤋
The 'how long' is your decision. Until and unless you are ready yourself, no one can force or advice you on the duration. You can start by looking at your future, or better still, start living Now, instead of looking back at the years you spent together! It is hard, yes, but you have to believe in yourself that you can overcome it, that you are strong. Do not resist but accept your situation, this way, I'm sure you'll feel better... trust me! the power is within you, you'll see it only when you believe it...the choice is yours, to see or not to see... Change your way of thinking and you'll be changing your life. All the best!
2006-08-19 06:09:44 · answer #8 · answered by Love 1 · 2⤊ 0⤋
it takes time and varies by person to person. some people take 6 months, but you really need to b fully healed and over it within a year. any longer and you will lose hope for yourself and beocme very depressed for no reason, which will help people become less attracted to you. i'm sure you are a beutiful person so i'd hate to see that happen. good luck.
2006-08-20 11:58:26 · answer #9 · answered by mat 4 · 0⤊ 0⤋
wow, 7 years is long, and u say it has been 9 months now, well u should try and just keep working ur way up and try to forget yes that is going to be tough but things happen for a reason so try and understand that reason, u should take as long as u need to heal
2006-08-19 06:05:15 · answer #10 · answered by Katie 1 · 1⤊ 0⤋