Is this normal?

Question

My husband seems to become really angry and defensive towards me over things that if anyone is going to be offended by it should be me. It seems like we can not talk about our differences or he gets angry. Actually, he can talk about what he sees as my flaws as. I am open to this, but there just never seems to be any discussion about it, he seems to just want to tell me how I am (which is never a positive) and there is no other acceptable explanation. If I try to mention my feelings towards something he has done that has hurt me, he seems to change into a different person. If I try to talk to him about this, he just says I am the one doing that, he becomes extremely offended, begins to accuse me of trying to insult him, and it just seems to get worse from there. I don't understand this. Does this sound familiar to anyone, and would you have any advice on how to improve this situation?

Divorce is not an option for me at this point.
We are in counseling, which seems to help a little and sometimes a lot. However, during these times of differences it seems to end up being a "he said, she said' type of thing and he makes me out to be a person with an out of control temper, (which I am not, but how do you tell someone that, they have to see it.)

One more thing. One time we had a "discussion" about something very hurtful he had done. He turned it into a huge argument. He started to get physically agressive. Only started, he began to push me, and I instintively countered and pushed back. Then I caught myself and thought, I do not want to get into a physical match with him. So I stepped back. He looked like he was going to push me again. I quickly picked up the phone next to me and said, "Touch me, I call the police." and I just kept repeating that until he seemed to back down. He gave me a dirty look and left the room and I just kind of breathed a sigh of relief

I was a little shaken, but I thought I need to just go get some sleep. So I went to my room, tried to put it out of my mind. I put my ear plugs in (I wear everynight so I dont awake to the snoaring) and I just kind of numbly drifted into not quite sleep but not alert. Next thing I realize there was a police officer there shining a flashlight in my eyes. I couldn't believe it. I tried to explain what happened from my vantage point, but it seemed like they didn't quite believe me. This is just crazy to me. Unreal. I love my husband, we have two beautiful children. How can this seem like such a hell sometimes? Am I doing something to cause this?

Answer 1

Get counseling.

Answer 2

Ma'am this isn't normal, in a marrige there should be compromise and love and honesty. There seems to be no compromise what so ever because you husband constantly puts the hurt on you when you only want to talk about something that is really bothering you. He chooses to find the faults in you, and voicing them instead of realizing that he loves you and that your faults is what make you a beautiful person. He seems very violent, and that scares me because it seems like a form of verbal abuse, you don't matter, only he does, especially when there is any discussion of who did this to whom and you are like this and that. I would suggest that if you could, and if he was willing, that you both should go to a marriage counselor, but that is easier said and done, if he won't even talk to you and accuse you of being insulting, let's try to imagine him talking to a marriage counselor. You love him, I know that you do, he has a problem and he needs professional help or just a wake up call ( as in a temporary leave). I hope that it works out for you! God bless you.

Answer 3

People get married because they are in love but also for lust. Once the lust wears off, just because of familiarity, or maybe because someone got fat, the only thing left is a sharing of lives. So my question to you is: How are you living your life? Do you sit around and do nothing all day or do you have passions, interests, goals, a job with a future. What is your contribution to the world and to the marriage and to loving your husband? People who've been married a long time learn they have to give something extra, make a special effort, keep the surprise and joy in the marriage while both of them deal competently with day to day chores and take responsibility for financial matters and goals. Not to mention the job of raising children.

I suspect your husband's anger has been building up as one after the other he begins to notice this isn't the perfect life he imagined. He has to learn to express those feelings when they occur, but also learn to let things go that aren't important. Perhaps you don't do things like his mom used to do, and he's feeling lonely and lost because people often equate love with how their mom behaved. Perhaps he's realizing he made a mistake and wants a divorce, but that's just a quick reflex, when he could work on it and try to understand. But the guilt and anger he's built up over this feeling lead him to angry outbursts and criticism.

Maybe you make him worry, with mistakes, with jealousy, by having guy friends. Sure he's insecure, but you could do more to relieve his worry.

There's a fine line between two people having passionate focused goal oriented lives that work together to build something, and two people going in different directions that are doomed. You have to think about which, and face the reality, and get out while you can, if there isn't a glimmer of hope. Sometimes one person's love or dependence isn't enough.

Answer 4

It is sad to say but do you think he could be cheating on You. When men become offensive over things like that they either got real deep down problems or Cheating. Don't let love make you blind... When this happened to me the person I was with kept picking fights, trying to argue, cut downs not directly at me but small stupid things, and down right freaking mean attitude. He wasn't happy instead of asking to get out he was wanting me to end it. He was also a D*** Cheater.... Just try and work it out I say try some counseling to get to the bottom of it and lay everything between you out on the table. Men are not good at letting anyone really know what and how they feel.. Sure it is nice in the beginning but over the years things do change everyone changes.. Maybe this link will help just in case.....Best of Luck.... God Bless

Answer 5

Your husband has issues,and just like all us typical males, he does not want to talk about his shortcomings. The next time you see one of these confrontations coming up, stop for a moment and analyze the situation. Say to him...
Doofus ( use his real name instead) exactly what is it you want from me? What can I do to make this relationship be how you think it should be,and then tell him what your feelings are. Talking sensibly and maturely goes along way. I think he has realized that marriage is a big responsibility and is having a problem coping with it. Good Luck to the both of you.

Answer 6

Unfortunately, your husband is very immature and selfish. It appears that it is easier to keep you on the defensive, than look at his faults. I suggest counseling for both of you. Don't be surprised if he refuses. There are lots of people who cannot bear to think of their own imperfections. You need the counseling in order to learn how to cope. It is very difficult to be put down on a continiuing basis. I dealt with an almost exact situation several years ago. My ex-wife was exactly like your husband. Needless to say, the marriage didn't work out. But, through my own counseling, life is better than ever. Please, do this for yourself. No one deserves such treatment. It is a form of psychological abuse. I pray that your husband can change. What is most important is you change for yourself. Don't accept his behavior. Make him accountable for his actions and words. Good luck.

Answer 7

Hes is pointing a fingure at everyone else but himself. You just happen to be the closest target. If you can accept this is what he is doing, then the next step is the hardest part. Convincing him to stop blaming other people. Marriages end on less reasons, so i would enlist the help of a certified marriage counsler, for advice at first. He would most likely not attend such a thing at first.

Answer 8

sounds like a typical male mid-life crisis. It happens sometime between the ages of 40 and 60 when we realise we will never be as fit as we used to be. Our employers promote younger, less experienced people because we are too old. The women that give us the eye are now in their fifties instead of twenties.

He needs something else to focus on, something he can achieve. Restore a boat, an old car, get a motorcycle, trek through the Himalayas, or at least the Rockies.

Answer 9

Do you actually try to discuss it or say the same thing over and over again. Seen a lot of that... called 'floggin` a dead horse' for a week about same item until a person can not take it anymore and anger develops followed closley by an outburst

Answer 10

It sounds like this is the kind of person that could degenerate into a very manipulative even combative person over time. I would seek professional counseling and and if that fails because he won't join you, you may consider ending the relationship possibly with some outside help.

Answer 11

4 the sake of UR own sanity U've got 2 stop being a Doormat!
Answer him back, no man has the right 2 treat his wife so badly.
If he has some under-lying issues he really should seek help.
Perhaps U would both benefit from some Marriage Guidance.
Failing that drag him 2 the Docs 4 a check-up, huh?
:)