How can people live in nasty houses?

Question

I have a friend that lives in this apartment and she has 3 kids she doesn't work and she is a single mom living on welfare but her house is completely NASTY! When I say nasty I mean NASTY!! She doesn't take her garbage or recycling out until she can't walk around it, she has laundry piled up in the bathroom that stinks, she doesn't do her dishes for days and she has a dishwasher, she doesn't ever sweep her kitchen floor I want to know how people can live like this I hate going to her house because she then expects me to help her clean I fill the dishwasher do more dishes and sweep the floor it is disgusting! How can I tell her that I think that she needs to do something about this and get a routine down, both of her older kids start school soon and she will just have the baby at home, there should be no reason she shouldn't be able to take care of it during the day. Even when her 2 older kids are home. Please help I need to find a way to tell her.

The oldest is a 9 year old girl, and the 2nd oldest is a 5 year old boy that acts like a baby!

Answer 1

When people live in that kind of state, they are usually unaware how bad it actually is.
yes they see mess about but aren't aware of the full extent until someone points it out to them. You will have to tread very carefully though when telling her as you may offend her and lose a freindship. My suggestion would be to arrange to have her baby looked after whilst her older kids go to school and get stuck in together. Sort things out, clean things, throw things away and then when it is done get her a little something nice to display in her new tidy house.
Unfortunately the longer she leaves it the worse it will get and she may even be at that stage where she just doesn't know where to start.
Also have a chat with the children. If they are old enough to be going to school now, they are certainly old enough to help mum around the house. Give them little jobs to do like bring down their dirty washing, take out the garbage and when they do it properly and without moaning, give them rewards.
Children actually respond very well to responsibility and if they see a difference in their mum because of it, then no-one loses out.

There could also me mental reasons why she has let her house go. Being a single parent isn't easy and she may actually find comfort in the mess in which she surrounds herself. She may be mildly depressed and has just given up.
She needs a good freind like you who is willing to help her and is also concerned for her well being.

Once the house has been tidied (which won't happen in a day) she will be able to start a good routine which includes housework as well as caring for 3 children on her own.

good luck

Answer 2

Yeah, your friend definately needs some help. I understand she's a single mother but that's no exscuse to live in filthe. I'd sit her down and gently tell her that it's not healthy for her, and definatley not her kids to live in a dirty house. Help her come up with a cleaning schedule(take garbage and recycling out on Thursdays) Clean the kitchen after every meal, clean the bathroom on Mondays, make the beds every morning, do laundry every sunday, or as needed... Something like that. Start out kinda light, so that she can get used to cleaning more. Let her know that you care about her and her kids and their well-being and offer your assistance. But don't do it for her. The kids also need to be involved with cleaning house and their rooms. You can't leave them out. Don't scare her, but you also might want to bring up the fact that she could easily lose her kids, if someone were to report her to the STATE. Well, I hope I've been some kind of help Good Luck

Answer 3

Well, I live in a situation like that. If I don't clean, it doesn't get done. My mother is an absolute slob. She'll spill things and the spill will sit there for days until I finally give in and clean it up. I once did an experiment to see how long her dishes would sit in the sink. They were there from Thursday morning until Tuesday when I finally gave in and washed them, because I was having company over that night. She never vaccums. The only room that gets cleaned is mine and my bathroom sink. She does her laundry at least, but leaves her bras hanging either in our spare room or the laundry room. When I do the wash, whereever I put away her clothes to, if I do her laundry, it stays where I put it until it gets used. It's so discusting. She never puts away her laundry. I also don't think she's ever washed the kitchen floor since we've moved in... In 1995.

I am so glad I am leaving for college this Friday. I only fear what this place'll look like when I return on holiday breaks.

Answer 4

I noticed someone said something about the cops taking her kids away....actually it wouldnt be the cops...would be either the welfare dept. or the Division of Children and Family Services. Secondly, depending upon what state you are in, it is extremely hard to prove a mother unfit. I know in the state of Indiana, as long as the children have a roof over their head, clothes on their back (regardless of whether or not they are clean) and the equivalent of 2 candy bars a day, then the mother is still "providing" for her children.
Obviously, since she is your friend, you don't want to turn her in. However, you should probably sit her down and tell her about the consequences of keeping a dirty home. If she gets upset with you, then she gets upset with you. The only thing you are doing is trying to be a good friend.
Good Luck!
Have a wonderful day!

Answer 5

While it may be discouraging to you, I feel you are judging your friend. She has three kids, she is a single parent right? That is like running a day care 24/7. She may not be organized enough, or if she does get organized, I can see the apartment being shredded apart when the kids want to play.

If this is something that you really feel you must confront her with, I would not do it unless you offer to help her clean up, or pay for a cleaning service.

Are you a white glove person? If you are, then you just need to leave her be. Not everyone has to be perfect. I would never ever tell a friend her house is a mess. That is her house. Her life. It should not affect your friendship in any way.

Answer 6

How old are the two oldest boys? If they are old enough to be in school, they can at least help out with the small things like the trash. But as for you friend it is just called plain lazy. I take care of 3 kids. 2 are toddlers. Both mine. I clean house take care of the kids, plus still have dinner on the table. Just in time for my husband to walk in. As well as,selling AVON part time. It's wierd because I have a similar situation going on like that. I know someone that is family, she has 2 kids, and lives the same way. But she works, and when our cousin comes down. She looks foward to her coming down, so that she can get her gouse clean. Now that is just sad. The worst part is, that she tells people this. I would just confront her, and tell her the truth. You know people have lost their children, over thing like this. If someone was to call CPS on her, and they come check the house. She can lose those babies, and no one wants to see that. Hope everything works out for you.

Answer 7

Until she realizes that she is living in a dirty nasty place. There is nothing that you can do. I have a friend who lived like that for years. I would go over and clean her apartment then go back two or three days later to find it a mess again. I realized that her standard of living was not the same as mine so I stopped trying to get her to change. I just don't go over to visit her. We meet at my house or out to a restaurant or mall. That way I'm happy because I don't have to see her house. And sad to say she is still dirty.

Answer 8

Tell her you are worried she might be depressed. Tell her that her home and the way she takes care of things, seems like she is no longer interested in living. Offer to help her get help from a doctor, and offer to help her clean up a bit. But don't do it yourself, she has to help. Once it is done, she will feel good about herself.

The only other thing I can think of is call CPS/DCF...they will give her a time frame to clean her house to show she wants to keep her kids.

It is hard when you are depressed, you keep putting things off until tomorrow. Then, it never gets done.
Try getting her a job too, part of why she is depressed is she probably feels like a failure.

Good luck, Hon!

Answer 9

Talk to her about the fly lady book. You do a project for 15 minutes and then move on to another. After 45 min. you get to take a 15 min. break. You clean things before they are really dirty. Also you have hot spots that get picked up everyday. A neat fun way to clean. She's also on the net. Good luck.

Answer 10

Does she realize that cps could take her kids away for that? mostly everybodies houses get disorderly from time to time, but that trash and dishes are a health hazard, you probably need to tell her as gently as possible what I just said.

But, how about psychology, she sounds overwhelmed with her 3 kids, are you her only support system? maybe once school starts she will be able get these whole mess better under control