y am i like this?

Question

me and my boyfriend are really close and we talk about everything, but if he upsets me then i won't say anything and he was like if i do something to upset u then u need to tell me i want u to be my equal not anything lower than that. but i just can't do it i've always thought that u never talk back to a man and u give him the upmost respect and i have spoke my mind to him before and i felt horrible. y am i like this.

keep in mind that he told me i need to speak up. i'm the one with the problem.

Answer 1

It is good that he set up the expectation that you should talk your feelings out. And it is important in a relationship to have good two-way communication. Keeping your feeling to your self is not fair to you or your boyfriend.

As to why you are like this I think that you answered your own question. You were either raised or had the expectation that you are not to talk back to men. Another thought is that maybe your boyfriend comes across in a way that he is more fatherlike then boyfriend like. It does happen. Many relationships the girl takes on a mother like role with their boyfriend. Neither is good, the idea that both of you approaching the relationship at the same level is much better.

What might be good is for you is to 'warm' yourself up to the idea of talking out what bothers you. One Idea is that you could write a letter. This way you can say exactly what and how things could be said. As well, it is easier to talk out your feelings in a letter then it is in person. At the end of the letter plan a meeting to talk.

One thing that might help is to make a 'sandwich' out of the issues. That is to 'sandwich' your issues between two points of what you like about your boyfriend. In another way of putting it if the analogy is not working for you to speak to a positive about your boyfriend, bring up the issue and end it with a positive.

Another Idea is to plan a time to talk (on a weekly basis) on what is going on with the relationship. That way there will be some time between what was has happened and when you talk. That way some of the emotion will not get in the way of the talk, and you can be more objective with each other. You would need to see if this is something that would work out with your boyfriend, and let him know that it is an attempt at letting you get out what you feel that you need to say. Later on maybe it will be easier to talk more immediately about your issues.

It takes time to over come learned habits. We all have them but not all habits are good ones. This would be a good one to work on. Realizing that it is a problem is half the battle. Keeping the desire to resolve it is the other half.

Answer 2

So start now. If its hard to tell him to his face, sit with your backs together and tell him. What you have been taught is not the way to have a relationship or a marriage. And he's a really great sounding guy. If you don't tell him things that bother you, he can't help fix it. I had problems telling my husband things sometimes. So at first I had to tell him in the dark, with the lights off. Holding hands helped too. I know its sounds dorky, but I understand how hard it is. I made a rule for myself....I cannot be mad at him over something if I won't tell him about it. Between my rule and the dark trick, I've gotten much better about it. Sometimes I'll just sit him down for no reason and we'll write down anything and everything that is bothering us, switch papers, and talk about it. However you go about talking to him about problems, do it. Because both of your happiness depends on honesty and openess.

Answer 3

I'm just wondering, why do you think that you never talk back to a guy and you give him respect? A guy said a really rude comment about me while I was still sitting there and I yelled at him. I talk back to him all the time and some other guys when they make me mad too. If he says something that upsets you say something about it, he needs to know. I don't know why you are like that, maybe you are jsut shy and you don't speak your opinion that much...

Answer 4

it seems like he'll be proud of you for speaking up and respectful of your feelings. That's a nice quality to have in a relationship.

answer me this, would you feel more uncomfortable speaking up to him or would you feel more uncomfortable making him paranoid?

If you don't say anything when you are upset, he'll never be able to know if he's done something wrong and he'll never be able to fix it. He might start overreacting to little things - feeling he's done something wrong - because he has no way to know for sure if he's upset you. So, tell him when you're upset. That way, when you're not upset, he can enjoy the moment and doesn't need to be paranoid. You love him enough to do that for him, right?

Answer 5

It is tough to give advise in this case. In a way you seem to be O.K .with keeping to yourself, but your bf seems to become self-conscious when you don't speak up to him. I don't know your ages, but it could be that your boyfriend (provided he is the same age you are) is less mature than you are. Boys develop slower. So in a way he is at a disadvantage and doesn't know how to react when you are upset.
Many guys have the need to be the protector and the ones who make it all better again. (i am for example that way) but when i don't know where the problem is i don't know how to fix it. This could be the way with your boyfriend also. You gotta give him some hints. This will likely help him and you don't have to talk back to him if you don't want to.

I hope i could help.

Answer 6

you were probably raised that guys are better than you...stop living in the 1800's where the men are rulers of all things they are just like us..which is soo not true thats why you cant tell him what bothering you...you think it will insult him..speak up girl and tell him how you feel cause if you cant do that then the relationship wont work well..oh and if he really did say that you are his equal and then you have a really really great guy..keep him by telling him how you feel..dont lie to him...but sometimes it is good to tell white lies ex. he got a new haircut and asks your opinion you dont really like it so you tell him you do...

Answer 7

its your upbringing. every couple has disagreements and arguements. the hard part is listening to what the other person is saying and understanding why that person is upset. resolution comes from having understanding, patience, intelligence and not to get wrapped up in emtional yelling. yelling doesn't make the person hear you more. you either have to realize/learn that you have equality in this world and in relationships to speak you mind, or you might as well keep you mouth shut, stay at home all day, have kids and be a slave to your man. is that what you want with your life??

Answer 8

I'm guessing... because you're annoying.

As I read your "question"... I became annoyed. This hardly happens.

I don't know if it's the casual use of the language, or the cluelessness... Maybe a bit of both.

Let me just offer you a hint. When it comes to a person being RECEPTIVE to an IDEA or MESSAGE... the packaging of the message is just as important as the message itself.

For example... If you say: "YOU REALLY SUCK"... a person will become offended, and your message will be lost...

However... if you say "you've got really good 'Hoover like' Qualities..." the message will be received and maybe even acted upon.

I wish you'd include your age in your question. This may be STRAIGHT immaturity if you're say 14. However if you're 19 or older... this cluelessness could be a sign of a bigger problem.

Answer 9

Are you serious! There are 2 people in the relationship...If the relationship goes only the way he wants it or when he has a problem it get fixed, how is that fair to you!...You have to have respect for yourself before you can EVER have respect for anyone else even a man. Do you have low self-esteem? How can you make someone else happy if your arent will to be open to him so he can make you happy as well! And you also have a good man that wants your thoughts..GIVE THEM TO HIM

Answer 10

Was that how you were raised? If it was, you need to break the habit. Everytime you speak your mind, you should reward yourself (whether it be chocolate or a bubble bath). Even if it wasn't your upbringing you still need to break the habit. Try talking to your boyfriend about how you feel about speaking your mind. Don't 'tell' him about you feel, have a conversation as equals about it. Good Luck♥