The FUNNIEST joke wins 10 points: What is the funniest joke you know?

Question

I don't care if it's clean, dirty, strange, ethnic... whatever. I want to hear your best joke! Make it good!

You people are in dire need of therapy.

Answer 1

What do you call it when a fat woman gets a yeast infection?..........

A Whopper with cheese.

Answer 2

I had an aunt in Poland during the Russian occupation.

They loved the story of a passenger train.
The ride was beautiful and smooth. Suddenly a bump, and in a few minutes, another bump.

A few more minutes and the train left the tracks, down through the meadows, into a forest.

Finally, one of the passengers made his way to the engine. He asked the engineer," Vat iss goink on?"

The engineer replied, "Vell, der vas tree Russians on der trak, and ve got two off dem, and now ve are chasing da turd vun."

Answer 3

Q What do you call a well hung Irish stripper.
A. Miles o toole .
Q Why did Johnny decide to be a Baker when he left School.
A. Because he kneaded the dough.
A religious young lady arrives home after a meal with her boyfriend ;looking glum Anthony proposed an hour ago she tells her mum.Goodness her mum gasps .Why are you so sad then.
Because he told me hes an Atheist she sighs
He does not even believe there is a Hell.
Marry him anyway her Mother replies .
Between the two of us we will soon show him how wrong he is .

Answer 4

A man walks into a bar and says to the bartender, "Give me a 20 year old scotch."

The bartender pours him a drink and gives it to him. The man takes a sip and spits it out.

"I said I want a 20 year old scotch. This is only five years old," he says. "Can you please give me a 20 year old scotch?"

The bartender pours him a drink from a different bottle and gives it to the man. He takes a sip and spits it out again. "I wanted a 20 year old scotch. This is only 10 years old. Would you get it right this time?"

This time, the bartender ducks out of sight behind the bar. When he reappears, he hands the guy a full glass. The guy takes a sip and immediately spits it out.

"That isn't scotch! You p*ssed in that glass! What are you trying to do to me?"

The bartender smiles. "You think you can tell how old something is? Then tell me how old I am."

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A Baptist preacher and a Methodist minister have met every Wednesday to have coffee and talk about their ministries. One day, the preacher, who usually rides a bicycle to the coffee shop, walks in but is out of breath.

"Where's your bike?" the minister asks.

"Someone stole it," the preacher replies, "I think it was someone in my congregation, but I don't know who it was. I don't know how to find out."

"I have an idea," the minister says. "You get up in the pulpit on Sunday and you preach about the Ten Commandments. You give them such a sermon that it'll leave them shaking in the pews. When you get to 'Thou shalt not steal', someone will be moved enough to confess."

The preacher agrees to try this.

The next week they meet again at the coffee shop. This time, the preacher is riding his bicycle.

"So," the minister says, "Did the sermon work?"

"Yes and no," the preacher says. "I started my sermon and preached on the Ten Commandments. I put the fear of God in them and had them crying and shaking in the pews, just like you said. And then something happened."

"What happened?" the minister asked.

"When I got to 'Thou shalt not commit adultery', I remembered where my bicycle was."

Answer 5

One day Superman is flying around looking for something to do. He flies over to Batman's cave and says hey man lets go do something. Batman says no I can't I've got a date with Batgirl tonight. So Superman flies over to Spiderman's house and says hey man lets go do something. Spiderman says no I can't. The Green Goblin is lose and I have to do the superhero thing. So Superman flew around looking for something to do. He looked down and saw Wonder Woman lying out in the sun in the nude. He could not pass it up so he flew down as fast as the speed of light and wam bam bam and flew off. Wonder Woman stirred and said what was that, and the Invisible man said I don't know but my butt sure does hurt.

Answer 6

Little Johnny was sitting in class doing math problems when his teacher picked him to answer a question, "Johnny, if there were five birds sitting on a fence and you shot one with your gun, how many would be left?"

"None," replied Johnny, "cause the rest would fly away."

"Well, the answer is four," said the teacher, "but I like the way you're thinking."

Little Johnny says, "I have a question for you. If there were three women eating ice cream cones in a shop, one was licking her cone, the second was biting her cone and the third was sucking her cone, which one is married?"

"Well," said the teacher nervously, "I guess the one sucking the cone."

"No," said Little Johnny, "the one with the wedding ring on her finger, but I like the way you're thinking."

Answer 7

A college professor is administering a test. He reminds the students that if they keep writing after time is called, their test will be torn apart. He calls time, and notices a sly kid in the back row still writing. When he comes up to hand in his exam, the professor tells him that his exam must be ripped up because he didn't follow the rules. But the students said, "don't you know who i AM?" and the professor said "no?" and the student continued to say "you're SURE you dont know who i am?" and the professor said NO I DONT KNOW WHO YOU ARE! the student smiles, says okay, and shoves his exam into the middle of the stack.

Answer 8

Two Sardarjis, both student of I.I.T, Kanpur, were talking about the American Astronauts.

One said to the other, "What's the big deal about going to the moon-anybody can go to the moon. We are sardars we will go direct to the sun."

"But if we get within 13 million miles from the sun, we'll melt."

And the first answered, "So what, we'll go at night."

Answer 9

Four auto workers were discussing how smart their dogs were.
The first was a Ford Worker who said his dog could do math calculations.
His dog was named T-Square and he told him to go to the blackboard and
draw a square, a circle and a triangle, which the dog did with no sweat.

The Chrysler worker said he thought his dog was better.
His dog, named Slide rule, was told to go fetch a dozen cookies and bring
them back and divide them into four pieces of three.
Slide rule did this with no problems.

The American Motors worker said that was good, But he felt his dog was
better.
His dog measure, was told to go get a quart of milk and pour seven ounces
into a ten ounce glass.
The dog did this with no problems.
All three agreed this was very good and all the dogs were smart.
They all turned to the GM worker and said "What can your dog do?"

The GM worker called his dog Coffee Break over and said, "show the fellows
what you can do."
Coffee Break went over and ate the cookies, drank the milk and screwed the other three dogs.
Then he claimed he injured his back, filed for Workman's comp, and left for home on sick leave.

Answer 10

Bufford just couldn't stand that rascal Clearance that lived across the river. They've been yelling at each other for years. One day Bufford told his wife, "Why I'm going over there to that guys house and kick his butt!" So off he went, but to his wife's surprise he came back just a little while later with a sullen face. "Bufford, whats the matter? Did you give him good woopin'?" "No." he said. "I had it all planned out. I was going to kick his butt all over his side of the river, but when I got to the bridge I looked up at it said in big red letters. CLEARANCE 14ft. So I came back."

Answer 11

What did the elephant say to the naked man?





How do you breath out of that thing!


A woman was having a drink at a bar when a man walked up and ordered two "specials" She thought he was cute and asked him what they were. He said, "Oh, these? They make me feel so good that I can fly!" He then ordered her two, downed his and flew around the building twice.
She looked on in amazement but drank hers and approached the window. She jumped and plunged 52 stories to her death.
The bartender just shook his head and said,

"Man, you're a nasty drunk, Superman!!"


Willie Nelson's favorite joke:

A duck walks into a bar and says to the bartender, "Hey bartender! Have you got any grapes?" The bemused bartender replies "No, we don't have any grapes." The duck, unfazed, walks out.
The next day the duck returns and says "Hey bartender, have you got any grapes?" The bartender, recognizing the duck from the day before, says "Nope. We don't have any grapes." Not having any luck, the duck leaves.

The third day, the duck returns. "Hey bartender! Have you got any grapes?" The bartender is, by this point, fed up with the duck's constant requests for grapes. "NO! We didn't have grapes the day before yesterday, we didn't have them yesterday, we don't have them today, we won't have them tomorrow! This is a BAR! If you come in asking for grapes once more, I'm going to nail your big duck feet to this bar!" The duck, a bit taken aback, leaves the bar.

The next day, sure enough, the duck appears again. "Hey bartender! Have you got any nails?" The bartender, surprised by the change in routine, says "No, I don't have any nails." "Well, in that case," replies the duck, "Have you got any grapes?"