Someone you care about is getting abused mentally by her partner ( maybe more).She pushes you away.What u do?

Answer 1

The always do that, don't they? They're in the eye of the storm---blissfully unaware of the carnage being caused around them, yet they sense something is wrong. You can't do anything other than just be there. If you've mentioned it then you've done your bit. Any more would be interfering. Any more would be abusing your position as a friend. Harsh but real in a world where we have free will.

Answer 2

This is a very delicate matter. The reason you are being pushed away is because of how you have advised her.

It will take some time to get her to open back up to you. This is a double edged sword. You see, by saying that her partner is "bad for her", you are also intimating that SHE made a poor decision in choosing this person. That SHE made a mistake.
And while logically, she is aware of this.... it is rather like rubbing salt into an open wound.

You are in an uncomfortable position with only one side of the facts and you feel protective of this friend, so naturally, your first inclination is to get this person out of the relationship.

She, on the other hand is aware that you are only getting half of the story, but she told it with the intent of getting sympathy, so it might not be totally colored the way it really is. Unfortunately, instead of getting sympathy, or an emotional hug, you gave her constructive advice. Now she is afraid that the partner is going to catch wind of exactly what she told you and it is going to make matters worse.

Have you ever noticed the tendancy that you can call your brother an idiot, but it someone else does it you will take their head off? "It's okay if I say it, but if someone else does, that's another matter"! Well, that is the ground you are treading on here.

The partner may very well be mentally abusive. It is a common tactic of man to manipulate others to their own ends. It becomes abuse when others are being hurt by it.

You will never be able to help this person. Unfortunately, by sympathizing you are strengthening their "martyr" scenario. And they will never accept constructive criticism from you. That will only produce the current situation of her having pushed you away.

She needs a unbiased third party for the active advice. And there is no way to force her to seek out that kind of help.

It is a real "Catch 22" situation you are in. You're darned if you do, and darned if you don't.

Eventually, she will make the rounds back to you. If you want her to continue to confide in you with her feelings, you must not offer advice. I don't know how long you will be able to stand feeling totally ineffectual, but that is how you keep her talking to you.

The reason I know she will come back to talking to you is that eventually, everyone else will tell her the same things you have, and right now, she does not want to hear it.

When she hits her own point of realization of the futility of hanging on to a counter productive relationship, she will make the move of her own accord. Just be there when it happens to support her decision. That is all a real friend can do.

Answer 3

Invite her for a chat and choose somewhere warm, quiet and comfortable to go. Ask her about herself. How is she feeling? Is she more or less okay? Does she want to talk? Is there anything on her mind?

Show a willingness to listen to her story from her point of view without any judgement or critcism from you. Show an interest in everything that she say and help her to build a picture of one or more matters that she maybe facing right now.

If she fails to open up then you could sbare your worries with her. Tell her that you are worried the way her partner is treating her may be having a bad effect on her. Be prepared to back this worry up with observations. Describe the offending behaviour and describe what you think seems to be the effect on the victim. Then ask the victim for her version of events. Help the victim to achieve a fairly accurate version of events. And then talk about possible positive, constructive and helpful responses to the offending behaviour. Help the victim to make plans and to implement them. Talk about bad results, moderate results and good results. And change the action plan to take account of new information.

Any time the victim wants to talk about separation then encourage this and switch away from the subject of mental abuse. And switch back to the subject of mental abuse if the victim wants this.

If at any time the victim wants to disengage and move on to something else then allow this and even encourage it. But do mention your worry about her wellbeing considering what she is having to put up with at the moment. And do offer her friendship and support whenever she needs it. You cannot do more than this for the time being. She may come to you when the time is right. Check up on her once per week if you like, just to check for changes or developments, and gently show your care whenever you bump into her. But don't pressurise her unless her tolerance of her partner's abuse is causing massive problems. Then more serious intervention may be needed. In serious cases of abuse being tolerated by a vulnerable partner you should get some kind of external agency involved. Start with the local Council and the Internet and then ask friends for adviice.

My advice for heavy abuse is to do a very heavy sell on the matter of the victim leaving her abuser. There are people who can help you with this sort of thing. I am one of them. Perhaps what you need is Adictions Coach or a Co-Dependency Coach or even a very good Life Coach with a good understanding of psychology.

Martin Camden.

Answer 4

Maybe she is afraid that if she leaves or does something about it it will become more than just mental abuse....let her know that you aren't going to push her anymore (and don't) but give her a reason to know for a fact that if she needs a confidantethat you are there and make sure she know there are hotlines if she doesn't even feel comfortable talking to you

Answer 5

It's always difficult to hear these things. Give her some space and time to process what is happening. Always be there for her and never tell her I told you so. After a few days try getting her to go out with you and away from her partner. While you are out try building her up, don't bring up the partner just be there for her. Eventually she will see what you are talking about.

Answer 6

It is obviously clear that she DOES NOT WANT YOU to get involved in this problem of hers. Giving her suggestions like report abuse and let her decide, otherwise, she seem to want to get the thrill of this so leave her be. Some women still carry on with this as they feel that it is their fault and their husbands have a right to beat them up! You are a dear sweet person in being the knight in shining armour and I wish there were more like you in this world but she doesn't deserve you !

Answer 7

I don't quite understand mental abuse??? But I agree with you, it ain't right, but it also ain't illegal. So if she chooses to stay all you can do is be supportive and be there for her when it all ends.

Good Luck to you both.

PS. contact a local family abuse center and get all the info you can on physical abuse. Seems like I read or heard that super-high percentages of physical abuse start with mental abuse. there is a set pattern I think.

Answer 8

as long as she's not willing to accept your advices, it's no use trying to tell her what to do - this will only cause her to channel her anger/frustration on you, and you lose her as a friend; the only sensible thing to do is listen to her if she wants to talk (without pushing her - if she doesn't want to talk about it, she'll just say you're too interfering every time you try to bring in the subject) and be there for her when she does need an advice, or any other kind of help;

Answer 9

Tyr to be the one constant positive in her life, let her know she doesn't have to put up with the way she's being treated and be there for her as much as she'll let you.

Answer 10

if she won't let you help her, you need to just let her figure it out on her own. if she doesn't want to change the situation that she's in, you can't maker her. it's really sad, but sometimes we can't help people.