Is this a good story?

Question

I am not finished yet.

Lucy Stormen thought she knew everything about her engaged boyfriend Mark Thomas. She knew his current job, he was a blacksmith. She knew his favorite color, navy blue. She didn't miss one detail. But what she didn't know was that when they got married and moved Mark was getting a new job, and will live in a funeral home. She thought this house was just a normal house but with 4 floors. He did tell her she couldn't go on the 4th floor. She agreed she wouldn't go for she thought that it was his floor when he needed privacy, it is just an attic. The first floor was a basement so she said that is where she wanted her private room to be and he agreed with that. A week later they got married and moved to their wonderful new home in San Diego, California. The house was just built. Lucy was stuned by the amazing house that Mark bought. Only for $160,000. She has no idea it was a funeral home and that the attic was where he was going to keep the dead people. A couple weeks after their settlement in the house Mark pretended to go to work as another blacksmith with better pay for now. She didn't go to any work for she promised she wasn't going to get a job. She was 7 months pregnant with a baby girl. Now, I never did tell you their ages. Mark is 34 and Lucy is 31. They love each other to pieces. They decided to name the baby Sheila after Mark's grandmother who had just passed away. They were so excited to finally have their first kid. Lucy decided to walk around and check out the place by herself. She checked out the basement and all the floors but dared to go into the attic for she feared Mark would find out and she would be in much trouble. This was the 1950's you know. Women barely had any rights and men had all of them. 8 hours later Mark came home. It was 6:00 and everyone was hungry. Lucy cooked some carrots, corn, and beef for supper. Then they read a little kid's book to Sheila because they figured it would make her smarter when she is being taught in school. After that they chatted for a while and went to bed.
The next morning they woke up and had over-easy eggs for breakfast. Lucy and Mark chatted for a while. Lucy still couldn't get over the death of her sister who had lung cancer. Mark told her to move on but in a different way kind of, it went like this "Even though a loved one has died a week ago a loved one was just born a week ago. Things happen and things don't. Some people stay alive and some don't but your sister is always looking over you and she is always making sure you don't get hurt, her body may be gone but her spirit is always with you". That made Lucy brighten up and thanked Mark for being so kind. She was now crying happy tears not sad and she thanked her sister for being so kind before she died. Mark didn't go to so called work that day because of her sister Carol's funeral. They went and Lucy was sad again because her sister's main goal in life was to see Lucy's baby be born before she died. At the funeral Lucy saw her other sister Harriet who she hasn't seen in 10 years.

Answer 1

sounds good, but what kind of funeral home has its services on the 4th floor. which means lucy would have seen someone come or go within 8years to realize it was a funeral home.

Answer 2

Wait, so . . . there are no repurcussions for Mark hiding dead bodies in his attic?

Lucy doesn't even yell at him for lying about something actually really stupid? I mean, so he's a funeral director, so what? It's not like Bluebeard!

I think the sweet romantic part is nice, and a story about a secret room can be good, but you're stuffing too much into one plot.
Choose one thing and stick with it. It'll be better, your characters will develop further, and by the way women had plenty of rights in the 1950s! If you can own land, hold down a job, and vote, you pretty much have all the rudimentary rights you need.

Basically, I think you could write a nice little romance, but I'm just confused by the funereal blacksmith thread.

Answer 3

It is an interesting premise, I'll give you that, but you need to improve your story telling skills a lot.

"Show, don't tell", is the first rule of writing. Here you're telling us everything and showing us nothing.

How much do you know about Funeral homes? Or the 1950's? Or funeral homes in the 1950's? Or the death of a beloved sister? Or marriage and motherhood? If you haven't lived it yourself you'll need to do some serious research in order to give the story a realistic feel. Right now it sounds like it's being written by a 15 year old who knows little to nothing about any of those topics.

For starters, make the basement the secret funeral home, it's FAR more believable that way. Then *SHOW* us Lucy discovering the secrets. You might have the makings of a good little "Gaslight" tale going here if you work it properly.

If you don't know what I mean by "Gaslight", check out this link:
http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0036855

Answer 4

The reader wants to know more about the fourth floor belonging to Mark, not all the other tangents you shot on that detract from the plot itself. And no, we didn't know the scene was in the 1950s because you hadn't established that until mid-way through the tale.

All the incidentals, such as breakfast, the ages of Mark and Lucy, and a myriad of other interferences are just that--interferences and distractions from the plot in the way you presented them.

Tighten it up, trim away the unnecessary tangents and revise the story into easy-reading form by sticking to one tense. You bounced from past to present too much. Further, separate your paragraphing for easier reading. It was a chore just reading what you have here.

Review the basics of punctuation coupled with grammar and transition. Otherwise, your story shows merit, but your writing expertise is inadequate at this time to keep the reader engrossed.

Is this story of some 15-to-20,000 words, making it a short story? If so, you can include much of the distractions you put here by inserting them timely elsewhere.

Good luck on trimming and cutting away and rebuilding, focusing on that fourth floor of Mark's.

Answer 5

Sorry. No, it's not a well-written at all. Look at how many times you use the subject as the first word. She, Lucy, They. Try to write compund senteces, complex sentences, and compound complex sentences. Then learn how to write simple sentences that pack that same information in them and develop an interesting voice. How about some metaphors? Some dialogue?

Answer 6

First, you have a good plot and message so it isn't hard to figure out where the story is going,which is good, if there is going to be a unexpected twist to it.
However, the sequence of the story has no order and everything is every where. I would advice you to try and keep things in order. l like the history and the background of the characters that you feel is important and what the readers should now about them before going into the depth of the book. For instance you mentioned the death of the grandmother and then the sister. Which one is more significant to the story? Why? It is okay to mention them but try to find away to fit them in together. For example you may began: Lucy has been grief stricken for the past six months with the loss of her grandmother(explain death briefly if she in not a leading character,ie. she was very old and passed away in her sleep) and soon after that her sister was(murdered, committed suicide, was in a fatal accident)...
And again try not to scatter around so much about the event that took place from the time that lucy and her husband moved and the events that took place once they moved in.
Copyright 2002-2004 Debra Koontz Traverso
All rights reserved in all media.


The content of this article may be forwarded in full without special permission provided it is used for not-for-profit purposes and full attribution and copyright notice are given. For other purposes, contact Debra Koontz Traverso at [e-mail].
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Want to improve your writing? Then set your goal to be to express, not to impress. To get you started, try these three easy tips:

1. Be brief

Robert Southey said, "If you would be pungent, be brief; for it is as with words as with sunbeams. The more they are condensed, the deeper they burn."

And oh, as writers, how we do want our words to burn — into the souls of our readers. Unfortunately, we often think that the more words we give, the greater that burn will be. Fact is, just the opposite is true — tightly written, colorful, descriptive, and pared-down prose will burn into readers' hearts and minds more quickly than rambling, redundant and unnecessary text. Why? Several reasons: The shorter your writing, the better chance it has of being read. And, people enjoy prolific people: saying the same thing with fewer words as opposed to many words brands you as prolific, not the fact that you know a thousand multi-syllabic words. And finally, it's easier to remember three pithy words than it is 10 that wander about.

The concept that "less is more" may have started in architecture but could not be more appropriate in our writing.

2. Be clear

Be aware that many words carry both connotative and denotative meanings, which can mean subtle, yet significant differences between what you meant to say and how readers interpret your meaning. As the following delightful poem points out, your positive denotative words may carry with them some negative connotative interpretations. What words might you be using that confuse your readers?


Call a woman a kitten, but never a cat;
You can call her a mouse, cannot call her a rat;
Call a woman a chick, but never a hen;
Or you surely will not be her caller again.
You can call her a duck, cannot call her a goose;
You can call her a deer, but never a moose;
You can call her a lamb, but never a sheep;
Economic she likes, but you can't call her cheap.

(Note: And by the way, this is one of those millions of little ditties that skip around cyberland without accompanying attribution or contact information. If anyone can verify the author/origin of this poem, please let me know as I would love to give appropriate credit.)

3. Be a storyteller

If you want to grab attention, then tell a story. Whether you're writing a brochure to sell leather, a Web site to discuss water-proof rain gear, or a book about a famous podiatrist, tell a story rather than merely listing rote facts, such as the features of the boots that a foot doctor would recommend.

Instead, tell readers how these same boots were worn, thanks to a trusted doctor's recommendation, by a weary bush pilot in sub-zero Alaskan weather and how they saved him from certain frostbite after his plane crashed in the remote northern-most portion of the state.

Stories grab and hold attention. And, they intrigue readers to keep reading until the story's happy — or bittersweet — end.

Bottom Line: If you write to express rather than to impress, then your writing will automatically be more impressive.


© 2002 Debra Koontz Traverso

Debra Koontz Traverso, M.A., is a creative and commercial writer, public speaker and consultant, having published several books and hundreds of articles. She also serves as a guest instructor at Harvard University and as adjunct faculty at her local community college. She can be reached at [e-mail].


hope this helps.

Answer 7

Way too many run on sentences. Learn how to use puncuation. Puncuation can make the worst story even a little bit better. After all I'm sure that you didnt go to English class for nothing.....right?

Oh BTW - Is this an autobiography? It sure sounds like it.

Answer 8

Hmmm... You do know about paragraphs and white space right?

And what they are used for?

OK, so it didn't bore me to tears, It actually was fairly interesting, but you put too many different themes into that small section. You need to expand them a lot, and flesh them out, so to speak.

I still get tagged with it myself.

So if this for school, break it up and you should be fine.

If you are trying to publish it, it needs some real work.

-Dio

Answer 9

i agree with Karen, funeral parlors keep bodies on main floor or in basement (preperation for waking etc.) Impossible for her not to notice bodies coming and going otherwise Your writing--not bad but rather depressing. They say if u want to be a writer u should write about things u no about.

Answer 10

It starts reasonably interesting but get too disjointed. Too many different things happening without a flow from one event to the other.